Staring eyes wide and that one tone of speaking that just tires me out before I even choose to talk. It feels like... I have to shout for you to actually hear me.

I've always felt like something's wrong with me
The way I'm not close with my grandparents or any cousin or sibling
Heck, I even feel like a stranger to my parents
and they feel like strangers to me, too.

There is that delicate balance established by polite nothings and an avoidance of heart-to-heart talks, just as I do with anyone else, just as I do with all humans that I've even come close to calling a 'friend '.

Things shatter so easily and I just get so drained trying to talk to you guys because
a) the shouting never ceases
b) we are always so angry
c) all of this is so exhausting

I don't feel close to anyone really,
I've been trying to tell myself otherwise even up here and
Now I think I'm gonna try being honest with myself.

Is it a crime to be distant from your family and anyone else who's supposed to be on good terms with you?
When I glance around, all I observe are people who are close with old people, parents, friends, siblings, and they open up so easily and everything. None of it is perfect, but they are so... Close. ...And why aren't I?
Put everything you know about me aside, and I don't have the answer, not really.

I've tried to improve relations but it's always fallen apart and felt so out of character for me to connect with anyone, anyone at all- not to mention that when I talk about myself for once it doesn't feel like you're listening or understanding, and I just end up feeling regret at ever choosing to speak up at all.

I love some of you, I do,
But we aren't close and every single opening up/conversation just gets so exhausting since shouting comes so easily, and patience is non-existent and,

Why is that?

You actually called me disgusting for shifting something in front of a fan,
When I hadn't noticed it and that was all there was to it.

After confiding in someone once, I avoid confiding too much the next time and
You could just tell me whatever it was that you wanted to say but it has to be yelled out and you have to glare.
I have anger too, and it takes something away from me every time I do it.

I'm no victim, you aint no antagonist, it's just the way things are and it's tiring.

All us humans still get along but that reliance and vulnerability just doesn't happen, not anymore

and
why is that