0.2) Clean your room.
Having been busy and all that, it is likely that the remnants of your last inspired attempt at something artsy is still hanging around, books are littering your room and you haven't vacuumed in five days instead of the usual two-three.
So I'd cleaned things up that one day I felt bad,
And it just helped so so much.
0.7) Clean yourself.
It's because it's Singapore, you're constantly sweating and your face is a collection of grime and tear stains.
At first, it feels terrible to even function properly like this,
But doing it just turns life around instantaneously,
And you just feel so much better about everything.
1) Having food brought to you, and not get forced for it.
If you're like me, chances are you starve yourself without the intention to diet or anything like that. It isn't out of spite but out of negligence, and you either forget to eat or lose the desire for it entirely.
I was going to reject the egg tarts Mom brought.. but they were warm to the touch and warm food aren't to be rejected. They just aren't; cuz food's value quadruples when it's warm and warm food is... too warm to be rejected. (Now, let us drop the topic gracefully.)
Aaanywayz. I'm glad that Mom doesn't force me to eat or sit me down to a lecture because, as I said, this isn't a tantrum. It's just that I need time and I hibernate without food storage in that time.
Even till now my appetite is hiding from me and nowhere to be found,
But at least the urge to puke isn't present anymore, and that's alright.
And no, I don't have issues with eating; it's just how I cope.
2) Tell someone.
Yeah, obviously this was gonna be on the list.
And, well, if it is coming from a friendless fibre like me, you know it really is necessary.
Mom is amazing, really, to be there for me when I was crying at midnight and all I really needed was a hug- that which she gave without me even having to verbalize it.
All my crying done and chucked away on Friday, when friends from drama and I met up the next day for Rent, a musical, I somehow ended up giving a simple summary of what happened. And they did this really nice thing.. whereby one of them put an arm around my shoulder and told me, 'It's okay, you have us. You're here now.', whilst the other shoved me a fry calling it a 'carb fix'.
And it's just crazy because if you do remember
back when I joined in 2014, they were all so cold and hostile. I honestly haven't done much to even display my personality when with them, and yet when I'm down in the dumps with no friends left, they are there for me. Of course they're amazing people too, but-
It's crazy what time does to people, ain't it?
3) Think it through.
And I really needed this because I needed to realise the one reason that I'm left with no friends on such a frequent basis.
When I first get to know people, I look out for the flaws. Call it wariness or anything that fits your understanding, but it's something I do to filter out people. And I suppose that was the worst part here.. because I'd known from the get go that you're extremely selfish despite your near-invisible voice and habit of clutching your arm defensively when talking. It appears as though you have no opinion and just follow people along mindlessly, but you do have thoughts, even if they are easily influenced by people and you don't voice them out. Still, you're not as opinionated as you paint yourself out to be, and if your well being is ever threatened you will stab and push people aside with no hesitation.
It doesn't make me noble or great, but I ignored all of this because you were my only friend in class, and it's been two years of studying together, of having lunches together and discussing food, of me waiting for you while you spent decades in the toilet, leading to us being late to lectures and lessons.. of us sitting together for every subject's lesson that we share.
And I do this to all people, I ignore the bad and focus on your better qualities, I get used to your presence even if I don't open up all that much,
And without me realising it, come to depend on you as a mundane presence in my daily life- even if you aren't a source of emotional support, nor are we close enough that you know what I think and how I tick.
That is why it feels like such a loss.
And that is why, even though it's alright to be an extremely selfish person who protects herself, it genuinely hurt me that you would do it so unflinchingly, without any traces of remorse, to someone like me that you call a 'friend'.
Because all you had to do was to explain it to me nicely, and I would have had to give in to the idea being presented by you because you wouldn't budge, and I can't force people.
Let's just say that your reasoning on Friday is completely acceptable,
Let's just say that when you flared up at me twice it really wasn't you taking me for granted or that you were devaluing me, but that you were really, really stressed out and self-control has deserted you, completely.
That is why I don't feel anything when I look at you now.
You seem to think that I'm withholding anger, which is why you're still following me around and trying to be nice again.
But the truth is that after all that thinking I did, after all that crying,
I had this thought that there are certain things that a 'friend' has to have,
Things like regard for me, things like some sort of concern.
Yet you'd said such hurtful and selfish things.
And it'd have been fine if you just forced that decision upon me to drop the idea and accept the bish's, but you had to win and you had to act like the good person even after all that.
The thing is that someone had to give in, and it'd have been me regardless (you know why), but the way you fought for it was so ugly and heartless.
It shouldn't be that you throw things away as easily as you would a toy,
When it suits you and when you are slightly threatened.
It shouldn't be that you're now trying to befriend me again because now that you've got the idea, you have no other friends in class like I am, and you're trying to get everything that's good for you.
I guess it still saddens me that you don't feel seem to feel like you've done anything wrong; like it's perfectly natural and alright to spit on a friend for your own sake, then try to get her back afterwards when it's completely convenient for you.
You are acting like nothing's wrong instead of even vaguely reflecting upon whatever it was that was in your brain, so that's probably the last reason I need.
And that is why,
I'd felt disappointment and loss at some point, and when I'm alone,
But when I see your actual face,
I feel nothing.
It's the lack of emotion I feel for you that truly surprises me,
But it just means that I have faced things the right way.
.
One thing that affected me was how
I'm back to square one, yet again.
It has turned out to be a bad friend, someone who doesn't treasure my existence in the least bit, and I am left with no friends in the class, no friends but the ones that I don't share the mundane with.
But it's alright,
It's not that I haven't been able to converse with them;
If I want to, I can deepen those relations.
But I don't want to.
So you my only, chosen friend in class will not have to do;
I will most certainly not act like nothing has happened.
I have my pride, I have my heart and you trampled on it.
My heart was a locked chest and I guess it opened slightly when I was with you, but now it's locked up again and you will not traverse into my boundaries again.
4) Cry.
It is always the medicine.
And is it weak to do so?
I don't think so, I think it's a way to face your emotions and let them out, because if you're like me you tend to unconsciously repress emotions, too.
So yes, it's always good for you because it always enables me to face things calmly and logically afterward.
5) Face things.
I will not tell you to 'suck it up' because it doesn't sound that nice.
But I've told myself that and it has worked: In the group setting I am able to act like nothing's wrong just the way they do, present my ideas in a manner that is objective and detached, and to crack some jokes with the one member that does not choose sides or target people.
Still, the group is indeed against me because of the bish, and with my 'friend' gone, I am all alone.
I guess the best way to deal with it is to deal with it as work, as nothing more and nothing less, even if the bish still does things to you.
So yes, as a group we are working well, things are going swimmingly and life is good again.
6) Do whatever it is that you dread.
For me it was having to do the slides and the script, the cue cards and the rehearsals, the recording and the typed up reflection and so on. It is called facing reality, and I had no choice but to participate in it, too.
When feelings still plagued me on Sunday I directed all that energy to whatever it was that I need to do, and I could have posted this back then but I wanted to actually accomplish all of this before talking to you.
And the great things is that I'm done with most of those things. I still got a compliment for being good at presenting, the slides are done, the reflection is planned and all that's left are minor edits and consultations with the tutor.
.
The great thing is that I feel like myself again.
I am done with the negative emotions, I have dealt with it as it has come, and I have let go of someone who isn't good for me.
I feel smiley again, I feel like I'm bursting with songs and I sing on the brink of going off-tune.
The bish and my friend will most probably talk behind my back as they already have, but people can believe what they choose to believe; I can't possibly explain myself to the entire world, nor do I want to. That'd be spreading unnecessary things, so I'll just tell the humans that are important enough to be told.
There'll probably be more shit to take from here onwards, and it'll probably affect me again, but that's alright too.
I like the human that I am; I will not turn bitter from this.
Even if I am lonely, I will not accept tainted friendship and a cold-hearted individual.
Even if I have no one else left from class, I have a multitude of beautiful things outside of that.
Even if I feel a loss, I will not confidently say that it was 'your loss, my mistake', because it feels like my loss, too.
And I will face that.
And truthfully,
I don't know if you have it in you to feel like
I was a loss and that
you did something awful.
Ah, well, this is the way things are and I'm happy with it all, now.
I'm a happy jelly again. :>
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