To all the friends that have come and gone,

I started crying, then it became sobs that had a life of their own. But those tears weren't for you, any of you- it was just pent up emotions from these past few months and all those thoughts in my head.

Ah, I realised, I've actually been kind of stressed for a while, now

I don't feel like saying anything about those thoughts,

But I'm alright.

Now on to the topic.

.

I honestly don't regret letting go of you or

Pushing you away.

Because there were always reasons,

And somehow I used to attract the wrong people.

Now, they are the right ones but

You shouted at me from stress and worry,

And after apologising, did a similar thing today

It is true, that when people break one barrier

It breaks and they never retreat behind it again.

Then, they move on to break another one.

So, give a friend shit once because you feel terrible,

And you will always give them shit whenever you feel like it.

This doesn't apply to all since people

Change, but right now I can't expect anything good from you

You did repeat it the day after you apologised, after all.

Disappointment doesn't cover this,

I know that we are all humans, that we can't be at our best all the time,

But if you've done it before, 

It means that there is this side to you

And it'll simply come out again and again

And, well,

Where was the value of your apology in flaring up again the subsequent day?

Listen, I feel like shit too when you're shouting and logic tells me to be calm so I follow it. Playing the logical role really doesn't help your emotional state, you know.

I'm tired of humans who shout and argue and don't listen to reason or have the control to hold back and sound composed even if they aren't, they really aren't-

I'm tired of people who continue to raise their voices even though I make it a point to lower mine and slow down,

And I'm tired of people who feel like they can overstep that boundary and make jokes about the way I look, just because we've gotten closer.

If I hadn't been through that one year, I'll be just like any normal human being and not be affected. It will be hilarious like the first time. However, I'm well beyond that; the 'jokes' have been driven into me and I'm terrified of those who would take advantage of the comfort that friendship brings and, 

Deliver all those blows with a smiling face.

I'm sensitive to this, I'm sensitive to that one year that left a scar in there, and I'm sensitive to friends doing this because once you do it, you do it again, and again and again and again, until it's a daily repetition without forgiveness.

Call me triggered if you will or whatever, but when I tell you about that one year, I expect you to know what not to be insensitive about.

If I'm doing the same to you, couldn't it at least be an equal exchange that way?

Someone said, with goodwill and worry,

That 'you're very, very guarded'.

It's true.

Somehow when it's such an explicit statement,

You feel like crying, and you think back on why you're like that

And how near impossible it is to change.

The foundation of your being that has proven to be the wise choice throughout all these stations in life, and the one thing that is accepted by admirers and the few friends that you have; if you're worthy of love even with this type of core in your being, is it really neccessary to change? 

Not to mention, that it has served you so well, and will most definitely continue to do so.

Thing is, if you decide to trust someone, it's trust that remains. It doesn't really fluctuate or change unless they change their behaviour. 

But it takes a long time for that decision to be made,

And very few people deserve that faith.

Many break it even before you choose to fully open up

(Heck, all of them do)

And you feel this certain sense of loss cuz it will only be a slippery slope from there.

It's not that you don't ever trust people, it's just hard to find them.

I've always had this side to me, but it didn't get so.. extreme till time and time again I was proven right in predictions and wrong in my judgment.

And the blame doesn't rest with you-

After all, if you're not that good you aren't wrong to be that way,

It just means that you aren't worthy, and 

I choose to leave whatever I don't deserve or like.

And so,

You're not sure if this is the right word but it does describe how it feels

You feel a little betrayed, a little hurt, and a little sad-angry.

Because they were chosen, and yet they turned out that way again.

But it's okay,

I'll keep you at a distance from now on,

You had your chance and that's never happening again.



.

I'll meet someone who isn't like that in the future.

That sounds bleak but it will,

It will.