Apparently the next two years of my life will be the toughest yet; it'll kill, it'll stress, it'll gouge. Apparently I'd be extremely busy, be sleep deprived, struggle, and always be racing against time.
Strangely enough it doesn't daunt me, and it isn't because I'm a 'positive' person or anything like that. I think, it is because of how blessed I have been this year. Everything, from the mundane breakfast to the amazing trips out, to the first party ever-- everything has been magical and beautiful and warming to the heart and in turn, the soul.
I've always tried to see the good in things, but the truth is that despite the fullness of glasses there's always the gnawing truth of the empty, and however one tried to get past that fact, sadness ultimately makes its presence known and branded beyond what's beneath skin.
Therefore things were lacking and yet not filled, could not be filled.
And when the circumstance comes that it does get filled,
One notices the emptiness that was denied from before,
And discovers a whole lot of things.
If there was one thing I've learnt-
Within all these ups and downs and the ultimate experience of this one gratifying year-
It is that whatever one should wish, one should go for it.
One should consider it carefully and deeply.
One should soul search and ensure it is not fickle,
One should thereby pursue it with no fear and bravado, however wavered.
Because all the good things happened this year because I was blessed,
But more so due to the fact that I stepped forward.
I broke through it, and their own growth led them to their acceptance of me, little ol me who wasn't meant to fit anywhere, at least at the start.
Life becomes smooth because it does, and also because you dare to choose so.
It is both fate and will, with equal parts of both, and fate playing a huge part regardless.
So, while blessings have been showered upon me like faithful love,
I too have to claim the credit for myself, for my own conflicted mind and my own bravery, however little, however petty, and however useless it may have seemed at first.
Narcissistic or not,
I am someone who has both been given the blessing of this year,
And lived and thought in such a way that I'd deserved it.
There'll be no list of resolutions this year,
At least not up here.
Improvements will be concurrent with growth.
That, I assure myself.
There too will not be anything like 'All I want in the coming year is to be happy', because I have been, I always have been, only less before and overfilled this year.
I am thankful, oh so thankful, for every single thing that has been given to me this year. Friendship and warmth, that's what. That's what humans sometimes deserve and work for yet do not get, and that which I was given the privilege of getting.
I like- no, Love, Everything within this year.
Even the petty conflicts and the days which I've been down-- for how can it ever be perfect?--Everything.
And I thank each and every one of you, angel I believe exists, and my own conscience, luck, fate, and will.
I'll continue to live my life for myself.
I'll continue to live up to my own expectations, and keep my own promises.
I'll continue to persist in the three Ls I now swear by for living.
To live, to laugh, and to love.
I'll do it, I'll do it all.
This year has been beyond great--for which was the promise to myself last year this time-- and I will ensure that it continues so.
Sure it'll be excruciating effort for the next two years.
Afraid as I am, I'm prepared.
I'm excited, I'm revved up, I can't wait in the slightest.
As I type onto this flat screen with which I'm trying to tear myself from,
I know, oh, I know.
That 2016 will be just as amazing--mind blowing in fact--- as 2015, as peaceful as 2014--without the loneliness-- as determined as 2013--without the bad choices--- and as true as 2012--without the brutality.
The years have flown by, and growth has occurred.
Still it doesn't sadden me.
Still it doesn't depress me.
For there is good in life, and I've been bestowed upon it, shown it, and enveloped in it.
I am-- Freaking out.
I am,
Frightened.
But if your dreams don't scare you, they aren't big enough.
And I'll reach for the moon for if I fall I'll be comforted by the stars,
With which I will cry and laugh whenever I feel like it,
And which I have done--so well, so much-- this one crazy year.
Sweet sixteen indeed; for life really began for me this year.
Lengthy repitition it is; for I have no shame in what I live so strongly by.
And so.
Let us do it shall we.
The next stretch of my life,
The two years rumored to tear me apart but which I am so ready for,
The class of blessings I've had in having a friend come along,
The cca I didn't expect to love,
The literature and books I'm prepared to go all out for.
This is only the beginning.
I promise myself,
This is only the beginning.
Wednesday, 30 December 2015
Monday, 28 December 2015
The weathered, the sparkling, and the irreplaceable.
It's time to spring clean again.
This time round, I'll make it even better.
Since 'better's what's ever changing,
Nothing will ever be the same,
Nor will anything ever be predictable and guessed.
Right now the bookshelf's a shining spot, what with the book buffet from yesterday, the loots within this month, and everything else in the other cabinets.
Materialistic stuffs doesn't make up all of it,
But it sure makes a difference.
The Dice Man, The Phantom of the Opera, Pride and Prejudice, the papers, the cloth, the stamps, the ink pads, the notebooks
The acrylic paint and brushes I finally have
The little canvases-
I promise myself the luxury of a watercolor set within the coming year.
Maybe some canvas paper and watercolor paper, too
*sniffle*
I still remember when I finally got that set of color pencils.
Gets me every time.
.
Dramatic as it sounds,
It's always interesting to come to a sudden realization at how things, both tangible and the unexplainable, are lost and gained, replaced and renewed, changed and returned---all over the course of a single cycle of 365 days.
Life has been great so far
But it will surely escalate from here
And that really, really, excites me.
My little heart's bursting with happiness, now.
This time round, I'll make it even better.
Since 'better's what's ever changing,
Nothing will ever be the same,
Nor will anything ever be predictable and guessed.
Right now the bookshelf's a shining spot, what with the book buffet from yesterday, the loots within this month, and everything else in the other cabinets.
Materialistic stuffs doesn't make up all of it,
But it sure makes a difference.
The Dice Man, The Phantom of the Opera, Pride and Prejudice, the papers, the cloth, the stamps, the ink pads, the notebooks
The acrylic paint and brushes I finally have
The little canvases-
I promise myself the luxury of a watercolor set within the coming year.
Maybe some canvas paper and watercolor paper, too
*sniffle*
I still remember when I finally got that set of color pencils.
Gets me every time.
.
Dramatic as it sounds,
It's always interesting to come to a sudden realization at how things, both tangible and the unexplainable, are lost and gained, replaced and renewed, changed and returned---all over the course of a single cycle of 365 days.
Life has been great so far
But it will surely escalate from here
And that really, really, excites me.
My little heart's bursting with happiness, now.
Tuesday, 22 December 2015
A little beginner's attempt.
I'm pretty sure loss isn't just a word.
I'm pretty sure it hurts, it eats, it starves.
I'm pretty sure it isn't the extent to which I have always so prided myself in-- 'Emphatizing'-- whenever it came to the part where you put yourself in someone's shoes and try to feel the blade that never touches you.
I have always found that pretentious, yet necessary.
For it is impossible to feel what you have not felt, yet it too is possible, through the pyramid of complexities within oneself and the others. For it too is my belief that you can understand someone without them having to speak, and that grime was caked but clear, however opaque. That it is all clear once you get down to it, that it can be evened out if not scraped off.
But, loss.
How can one pretend to feel the vacancy and emptiness that engulfs you, the one feeling that exceeds 'pain', the thing that twists your stomach so, that makes you feel both cold and hungry right after the superficial warmth of a forced bowl of hot soup wears off?
It is something you can't stave off, something that doesn't go away.
It haunts you so. It sticks to you.
And you, hold on to it, for there is a constant fear of oblivion once the feeling ceases, when torturous blades get dulled with friction and time takes over.
There'll come a time when you meet someone who warms you to your very core, who indirectly convinces you of your right to happiness, that tempts you to let go of this baggage you have come not to see as so necessary anymore.
Contradictions litter your soul, for it is now wrong to let go, to pursue happiness, whilst you rob the deceased the last of their existence. A sense of betrayal overwhelms you, for having been one of those who willingly forsakes an unspoken promise of remembrance in name of 'happiness' and 'right', for it has long merged and became one with the idea of importance and meaning.
I'm pretty sure it hurts, it eats, it starves.
I'm pretty sure it isn't the extent to which I have always so prided myself in-- 'Emphatizing'-- whenever it came to the part where you put yourself in someone's shoes and try to feel the blade that never touches you.
I have always found that pretentious, yet necessary.
For it is impossible to feel what you have not felt, yet it too is possible, through the pyramid of complexities within oneself and the others. For it too is my belief that you can understand someone without them having to speak, and that grime was caked but clear, however opaque. That it is all clear once you get down to it, that it can be evened out if not scraped off.
But, loss.
How can one pretend to feel the vacancy and emptiness that engulfs you, the one feeling that exceeds 'pain', the thing that twists your stomach so, that makes you feel both cold and hungry right after the superficial warmth of a forced bowl of hot soup wears off?
It is something you can't stave off, something that doesn't go away.
It haunts you so. It sticks to you.
And you, hold on to it, for there is a constant fear of oblivion once the feeling ceases, when torturous blades get dulled with friction and time takes over.
There'll come a time when you meet someone who warms you to your very core, who indirectly convinces you of your right to happiness, that tempts you to let go of this baggage you have come not to see as so necessary anymore.
Contradictions litter your soul, for it is now wrong to let go, to pursue happiness, whilst you rob the deceased the last of their existence. A sense of betrayal overwhelms you, for having been one of those who willingly forsakes an unspoken promise of remembrance in name of 'happiness' and 'right', for it has long merged and became one with the idea of importance and meaning.
Something harsh to say but I'll hold it back.
It just isn't nice when a gift you put thought into becomes a practical thing to be used, in that it becomes part of another gift the other party gives out, to another random person.
I know, you're practical.
It's just the way you are.
You didn't think it was such a big deal; it was utilizing each and every thing you get to its very best effect. That in itself is smart and simple thinking, so it should have been perfectly fine.
Yet it was a line not to be crossed.
For you, that is.
After all, a gift is a gift, however 'useless' or 'useful' it can turn out to be.
After all, I really liked what I was gifting out, and I'd hoped that you would let it remain as a keepsake at the very least--if not usable by you and you alone.
It just isn't nice is it.
To you it was probably cuz we are close to the point where 'little things like that don't matter',
And it's the gap in personality here that is the border.
You were most probably sure that I'd have 'understood'.
And while yes, I do
I can't say I agree that much with it.
Do you 'understand', me?
This is the kind of human you are dealing with here.
Knowing and understanding is different.
So is doing and reflecting.
But it's alright I guess
You are who you are.
Next time, I'll give you something entirely useful and which isn't even vaguely recyclable.
I know, you're practical.
It's just the way you are.
You didn't think it was such a big deal; it was utilizing each and every thing you get to its very best effect. That in itself is smart and simple thinking, so it should have been perfectly fine.
Yet it was a line not to be crossed.
For you, that is.
After all, a gift is a gift, however 'useless' or 'useful' it can turn out to be.
After all, I really liked what I was gifting out, and I'd hoped that you would let it remain as a keepsake at the very least--if not usable by you and you alone.
It just isn't nice is it.
To you it was probably cuz we are close to the point where 'little things like that don't matter',
And it's the gap in personality here that is the border.
You were most probably sure that I'd have 'understood'.
And while yes, I do
I can't say I agree that much with it.
Do you 'understand', me?
This is the kind of human you are dealing with here.
Knowing and understanding is different.
So is doing and reflecting.
But it's alright I guess
You are who you are.
Next time, I'll give you something entirely useful and which isn't even vaguely recyclable.
Sunday, 20 December 2015
Oh, I practice monogamy alright.
I had no idea people would be Christmas caroling this time of year.
Cooped up in hibernation and silence is really blissful,
But so is getting out there and shopping.
Beautiful papers and oriental beads
Some cloth and notebooks
A box only I've seen
It's a thing now, a little gift for me every Christmas.
Cost of course shall never be over the top,
Although it's definitely still the act of spending.
I'm flaunting too much up here
But it has just been so magical, so precious, so new, so... Splurged, that I had to blow a few trumpets.
You may or may not have seen flesh of a random guy whose pants were pretty much falling off- simply cuz you tend to space out whilst staring at random objects with unseeing eyes, only to truly notice what's within the visual field much later- it doesnt end well.
You know, it ain't the first time
But usually it isn't so much of the whole thing...
I don't even know where I'm going with this.
.
Oh, right
I am in love with this guy.
And uh..
He isn't the only one.
Don't worry though
I have a healthy mix of two and three dimensions going for me.
It's just that I can't even confirm who I'm steady with, or who I'm having an affair on.
This guy too.
I might think of him as husband material.
I miiiiight.
Cooped up in hibernation and silence is really blissful,
But so is getting out there and shopping.
Beautiful papers and oriental beads
Some cloth and notebooks
A box only I've seen
It's a thing now, a little gift for me every Christmas.
Cost of course shall never be over the top,
Although it's definitely still the act of spending.
I'm flaunting too much up here
But it has just been so magical, so precious, so new, so... Splurged, that I had to blow a few trumpets.
You may or may not have seen flesh of a random guy whose pants were pretty much falling off- simply cuz you tend to space out whilst staring at random objects with unseeing eyes, only to truly notice what's within the visual field much later- it doesnt end well.
You know, it ain't the first time
But usually it isn't so much of the whole thing...
I don't even know where I'm going with this.
.
Oh, right
I am in love with this guy.
And uh..
He isn't the only one.
Don't worry though
I have a healthy mix of two and three dimensions going for me.
It's just that I can't even confirm who I'm steady with, or who I'm having an affair on.
This guy too.
I might think of him as husband material.
I miiiiight.
Saturday, 12 December 2015
First steps will never cease till you stop looking at the horizon, for that'll be a first in itself.
Just finished reading Age of Innocence, and all I gotta say is...
That was supremely beautiful.
That was a love story I believed in, that was an ending I'm still crying my eyes out over, and which is both believable and anticlimatic, realistic and heart wrenching because of the harsh truths it embodies.
It's like Revolutionary Road, only more truthful, less complicated in plot, more straightforward, without the 'excitements' of modern stories and very, very, real.
It too is like Before We Go which didn't consist of plots or climaxes or grotesque plot twists; the simplest things were carried forward by the characters' distinct thoughts and personalities themselves, and it was what made Age of Innocence such a rich, complex, and deep book that truthfully portrays what it's like to love, and what it's like to have lost love through the submission to one's fate.
Other than 'unfulfilled dreams' like what it explicitly screams and that I love,
There too exists the feat of how love was lost and that established relationships in a marriage could be built just as strong, however dull, however one-dimensional, and however binding it was-- even without the passion.
Although, it was a very exciting book to read, and you're very glad you waited-
The bulk purchases of classics and books like The Shock Doctrine
And that this was the very first classic you've read so this review here's probably superbly shallow and repetitive with my language and thoughts all over the place-
Bear with me, reader.
My strained efforts at improvements will not have an effect till much later
Critique and insight will come only after the novelty wears off,
And only when exposure to a wide range is reached.
Till then, I shall revel in these new experiences that are both so intense and emotional for me.
There's a thousand things on your to do list, but all of it is so much more fulfilling and meaningful than surfing the web and feeding the addiction you so desperately wanna lose-- that you believe that once again, first steps are being taken to another new growth, another new you, as you believe is always the best thing that can happen to a person.
So yes,
As always,
You aren't gonna wait for the end of the year -however close- to make your resolutions,
Nor are you gonna hope for a quick leap in things.
Humans are constant in a way that is predictable due to how unpredictable they are.
At least, that's what you presume them to be, and of life to be as well.
Changes can't be made overnight but trying out improvements always tweaks little things here and there, so much so that unknowingly we all evolve into a new being by the time the next winter arrives.
Therefore
Let's do this.
That was supremely beautiful.
That was a love story I believed in, that was an ending I'm still crying my eyes out over, and which is both believable and anticlimatic, realistic and heart wrenching because of the harsh truths it embodies.
It's like Revolutionary Road, only more truthful, less complicated in plot, more straightforward, without the 'excitements' of modern stories and very, very, real.
It too is like Before We Go which didn't consist of plots or climaxes or grotesque plot twists; the simplest things were carried forward by the characters' distinct thoughts and personalities themselves, and it was what made Age of Innocence such a rich, complex, and deep book that truthfully portrays what it's like to love, and what it's like to have lost love through the submission to one's fate.
Other than 'unfulfilled dreams' like what it explicitly screams and that I love,
There too exists the feat of how love was lost and that established relationships in a marriage could be built just as strong, however dull, however one-dimensional, and however binding it was-- even without the passion.
Although, it was a very exciting book to read, and you're very glad you waited-
The bulk purchases of classics and books like The Shock Doctrine
And that this was the very first classic you've read so this review here's probably superbly shallow and repetitive with my language and thoughts all over the place-
Bear with me, reader.
My strained efforts at improvements will not have an effect till much later
Critique and insight will come only after the novelty wears off,
And only when exposure to a wide range is reached.
Till then, I shall revel in these new experiences that are both so intense and emotional for me.
There's a thousand things on your to do list, but all of it is so much more fulfilling and meaningful than surfing the web and feeding the addiction you so desperately wanna lose-- that you believe that once again, first steps are being taken to another new growth, another new you, as you believe is always the best thing that can happen to a person.
So yes,
As always,
You aren't gonna wait for the end of the year -however close- to make your resolutions,
Nor are you gonna hope for a quick leap in things.
Humans are constant in a way that is predictable due to how unpredictable they are.
At least, that's what you presume them to be, and of life to be as well.
Changes can't be made overnight but trying out improvements always tweaks little things here and there, so much so that unknowingly we all evolve into a new being by the time the next winter arrives.
Therefore
Let's do this.
Thursday, 10 December 2015
Slime is soft and murky but it never breaks; Glass is hard and clear but it never stays.
The strong will bully the weak.
The weak is defined, not in terms of strength but in terms of perhaps, other than capability, the capacity to assert oneself and mean it, to stand up for oneself and be selfish at the right moment, and for oneself. The weak is perhaps submissive.
The weak is perhaps overly patient, overly forgiving, overly sweet.
'Weak' is sometimes not a insult but rather a classification.
There is no pride in being weak but there certainly is satisfaction in feeling strong.
But those who lack esteem will think of themselves as weak, whether true or not,
And would be trodden upon, magnify issues to always make it worse within one's head,
And be extremely, extremely, unhappy.
The 'weak' therefore carries a ball of fire, not one of strength or empowerment but of poison that slowly eats away at the soul.
Therefore eyesight is clouded and colored through that biased lens,
And concave or convex never matters, for it will always be distorted no matter what.
These 'weak' trod upon those whom appear just as weak, if not weaker.
'Nice' is perhaps a compliment, but it's received as 'pushover' signals through the colored lenses.
Accurate or not, it sure works in maintaining the grotesque balance that is the world, that is the cycled and recycled negativity and hate, that is the new and old anger, that is the never ending karma.
The weak perhaps doesn't deserve it;
The strong is perhaps the most evil of them all,
For they can never be blamed for something they didn't do
No that's what fuels the weak's anger
That's what makes the weak, weak and the strong, strong.
Therefore the strong can't be blamed;
It is the weak that harbors such hatred at the world and treats other weak ones as such-- that are at fault. But then again the weak themselves are to be blame for not having the courage and foul mouth (strength and candid gruesome confidence) to stand up for themselves.
Perhaps, the next time one tries to place blame,
The first and foremost thing would be to search within oneself-
For what's in the universe doesn't conspire unless you give off that aura of weakness,
And nothing's out to get you until a part of you is fine with being treated that way.
That still is a generalization, inaccurate yet accurate, insensitive yet agreeable to you at times. You never reach stands, after all, without looking at both sides
And it frustrates you
For you seldom reach stands as a result
And above stated stand is not, in fact, a decided one.
Indignantly stubborn is the way of the world and said people;
Terrified and armored is the way in which they carry themselves so high upon.
You can't be at fault for something you didn't do to deserve.
You however should be able to fend off attacks, if undeserving of it
-And I mean that in the best way possible.
Repetition is never meaningful,
But right now
One perhaps reaches the conclusion that things can never be changed-- sometimes so---
And that the world is a dark place with beauty hidden within,
But grime to balance it off anyways-
For beauty is in the lily that isn't soiled by rain,
And beauty is only beauty because of the contrasting ugliness dumped upon it.
Definition is, after all, not so subjective at times.
The weak is defined, not in terms of strength but in terms of perhaps, other than capability, the capacity to assert oneself and mean it, to stand up for oneself and be selfish at the right moment, and for oneself. The weak is perhaps submissive.
The weak is perhaps overly patient, overly forgiving, overly sweet.
'Weak' is sometimes not a insult but rather a classification.
There is no pride in being weak but there certainly is satisfaction in feeling strong.
But those who lack esteem will think of themselves as weak, whether true or not,
And would be trodden upon, magnify issues to always make it worse within one's head,
And be extremely, extremely, unhappy.
The 'weak' therefore carries a ball of fire, not one of strength or empowerment but of poison that slowly eats away at the soul.
Therefore eyesight is clouded and colored through that biased lens,
And concave or convex never matters, for it will always be distorted no matter what.
These 'weak' trod upon those whom appear just as weak, if not weaker.
'Nice' is perhaps a compliment, but it's received as 'pushover' signals through the colored lenses.
Accurate or not, it sure works in maintaining the grotesque balance that is the world, that is the cycled and recycled negativity and hate, that is the new and old anger, that is the never ending karma.
The weak perhaps doesn't deserve it;
The strong is perhaps the most evil of them all,
For they can never be blamed for something they didn't do
No that's what fuels the weak's anger
That's what makes the weak, weak and the strong, strong.
Therefore the strong can't be blamed;
It is the weak that harbors such hatred at the world and treats other weak ones as such-- that are at fault. But then again the weak themselves are to be blame for not having the courage and foul mouth (strength and candid gruesome confidence) to stand up for themselves.
Perhaps, the next time one tries to place blame,
The first and foremost thing would be to search within oneself-
For what's in the universe doesn't conspire unless you give off that aura of weakness,
And nothing's out to get you until a part of you is fine with being treated that way.
That still is a generalization, inaccurate yet accurate, insensitive yet agreeable to you at times. You never reach stands, after all, without looking at both sides
And it frustrates you
For you seldom reach stands as a result
And above stated stand is not, in fact, a decided one.
Indignantly stubborn is the way of the world and said people;
Terrified and armored is the way in which they carry themselves so high upon.
You can't be at fault for something you didn't do to deserve.
You however should be able to fend off attacks, if undeserving of it
-And I mean that in the best way possible.
Repetition is never meaningful,
But right now
One perhaps reaches the conclusion that things can never be changed-- sometimes so---
And that the world is a dark place with beauty hidden within,
But grime to balance it off anyways-
For beauty is in the lily that isn't soiled by rain,
And beauty is only beauty because of the contrasting ugliness dumped upon it.
Definition is, after all, not so subjective at times.
This took too long. Back to Math, now
As a study break- and procrastination
I may or may not have remembered the 'bday' of this blog wrongly :p
Anyways
Here's some questions for me-
Not that I need a reason to do this. *cough*
I may or may not have remembered the 'bday' of this blog wrongly :p
Anyways
Here's some questions for me-
Not that I need a reason to do this. *cough*
- Who is your hero? Mum.
- If you could live anywhere, where would it be? In a magical forest where houses are made out of all types of wood(different shades textures and thickness please), where I can plant herbs and flowers-- hydrangeas sunflowers and roses-- trees-- oak maple and sakura-- where greenery shrouds and overwhelms my house but whereby no insects come to disturb. I'd have a swing made out of a deserted car tyre, too. Hammocks, packed with velvety soft throw pillows each in accordance to a theme; a small little gate, not to keep strangers out but for decoration, a little mailbox like the one in Up, inscribed with my name and adorned with little dainty flowers. Ooh and stairs that leads to a secret attic or a very personal and floral tower for me to hide and watch the sunset in. Aaaand I'd have quilt patch wooly blankets drawn around me, always be dressed in flannel and warm unicorn slippers whenever winter arrived, a never ending supply of pizza (don't ask me how they gonna deliver it. By magic probably. Or maybe it'd grow off a tree), and a secret rainbow-ish mushroom that I can climb into to read, that swallows me up to cushion me in fluffy cloud like comfort, that also supplies me with a lifetime of mushrooms. Yeah, well, it's not happening. At least, for the insect part.
- What is your biggest fear? Mm... Probably physical pain.
- What is your favorite family vacation? At home, on the couch. With chips. Naaahhhh I meant the imaginary trip to Japan. :'< Although, family 'trip' would have a different meaning. :>
- What would you change about yourself if you could? Ooh. Getting deep here. Uh... I honestly can't think of any right now... There's so many once you start thinking about it, but none of it really requires that much changing apart from striving for improvement- Although years back I'd have given a completely different answer.
- What really makes you angry? Moarr deepness I see. So revealing.
- What motivates you to work hard? Motivate? Haha. Goals I suppose. Short term goals, for long term ones are always subject to change.
- What is your favorite thing about your career? Oh, I have a career!
- What is your biggest complaint about your job? A job, too! Just kidding the job of being a human gives rise to the complaint of other humans doing the same job, but differently.
- What is your proudest accomplishment? You'd expect me to say the marathons or personal bests from before, or even academic-wise stuffs, but no. It's that I cleaned my room that previously was rather.. Unkempt. All. Alone. Long time ago. Obsessed with order since.
- What is your child's proudest accomplishment? Perhaps the first thing that springs to mind is: Wow I had sex! (Sorry mum.)
- What is your favorite book to read? DONT MAKE ME CHOOSE. Right now it'd be The Geography of Thought.
- What makes you laugh the most? Funny things.
- What was the last movie you went to? What did you think? Our times. It was good.
- What did you want to be when you were small? Kindergarten teacher.
- What does your child want to be when he/she grows up? I'm not even gonna respond.
- If you could choose to do anything for a day, what would it be? I kinda do this choosing thing on a day to day basis, soo..
- What is your favorite game or sport to watch and play? Badminton? Not that great at it tho.
- Would you rather ride a bike, ride a horse, or drive a car? The novelty is wearing off for this QnA..
- What would you sing at Karaoke night? Never been there before!
- What two radio stations do you listen to in the car the most? Nope nein.
- Which would you rather do: wash dishes, mow the lawn, clean the bathroom, or vacuum the house? Vacuum. Does suuuuch a better job than brooms.
- If you could hire someone to help you, would it be with cleaning, cooking, or yard work? Me got no yard.
- If you could only eat one meal for the rest of your life, what would it be? Chicken rice! Not a difference from now really.
- Who is your favorite author? Can I say, Enid Blyton?
- Have you ever had a nickname? What is it? Yep, and I don't want you to know.
- How long does it take for you to get ready in the morning? Fast enough.
- What was the last book you read? Age of innocence.
- Are you a clean or messy person? Messy but I like being clean.
- Do you collect anything? Yes! But I feel like the quantity and quality has to increase before I can call any of it a 'collection'.
- Who was your first crush? Someone. :>
- Who knows you the best? Mum. Constant change makes it hard for her, or anyone tho. Same for you, reader. 'We're a hundred different people every hour.' Would it not be true for you?
Aaand there you have it.
I skipped some and chose some.
A hundred was simply too much.
So yep.
Hope you liked this. :D
EDIT: How in the world do you remove that weird highlighting thingy towards the back? Ooh okay, did it. ^~^
EDIT: How in the world do you remove that weird highlighting thingy towards the back? Ooh okay, did it. ^~^
Wednesday, 9 December 2015
There is no 'proper' conduct. There is only the 'proper' mindset, which is dependent on interpretation and which oh so definitely are not products of the social norm.
Why laugh at 'stupid' questions.
Certain things are not known due to ignorance and a lack of exposure, a babied life and therefore a need to be sure and a tendency to ask questions that seem to be 'obvious' to you.
How is one supposed to know medical terms' meanings
How is asking what it means 'stupid'
How is answering such 'yes' and 'no' questions without knowledge of what you're doing--Stupid
It is only when you assume things you don't know, pretend that you know it, and don't dare to ask questions for what you do not know--- that is utterly silly.
Obviously I know what 'bowel' is.
But how would I know what is 'varicose', not unless I have learnt about it, which I haven't?
I understand English, you didn't have to speak so condescendingly.
Heck, I am one ignorant idiot.
But I ain't stupid, and you made me feel that way.
Raising your voice so much so that everyone in the office could hear-
As an 'adult', you are one of the many reasons why I can never generalize 'adults' to be 'grown up', in which indicated meaning is 'maturity', 'an ability to give' which pretty much translates into empathy and an ability to understand, thereby giving rise to patience- and even if there is a lack of patience, a willingness to control growing irritation at said 'stupid' questions.
Still it was my fault wasn't it.
Even if to me, the questions had to be asked
Since it was a legal binding arrangement and any false 'truths' filled up would lead to disastrous consequences
Despite that,
I was still, 'Stupid'.
Stupid for not knowing what I don't
Stupid for not having common sense- if you haven't been told that at doctors you wouldn't have it- but I still wanted to be sure- and for that I was being silly-
And stupid for getting so pissed over someone who is of the elites- although not all elites are like that.
But it's fine
Now that I have vented through this wonderful outlet
And that I did go for the check-up and the passport collection alone for precisely this reason- To gain exposure and stop being a fool.
After all, I should have been doing such things -alone- from a long time ago.
This is belated, but it ain't overly late
And so I'd go for every single thing like that alone from now on.
I will learn-- not how not to be a fool, but how not to appear one.
Would you agree, or am I just too angry right now.
Certain things are not known due to ignorance and a lack of exposure, a babied life and therefore a need to be sure and a tendency to ask questions that seem to be 'obvious' to you.
How is one supposed to know medical terms' meanings
How is asking what it means 'stupid'
How is answering such 'yes' and 'no' questions without knowledge of what you're doing--Stupid
It is only when you assume things you don't know, pretend that you know it, and don't dare to ask questions for what you do not know--- that is utterly silly.
Obviously I know what 'bowel' is.
But how would I know what is 'varicose', not unless I have learnt about it, which I haven't?
I understand English, you didn't have to speak so condescendingly.
Heck, I am one ignorant idiot.
But I ain't stupid, and you made me feel that way.
Raising your voice so much so that everyone in the office could hear-
As an 'adult', you are one of the many reasons why I can never generalize 'adults' to be 'grown up', in which indicated meaning is 'maturity', 'an ability to give' which pretty much translates into empathy and an ability to understand, thereby giving rise to patience- and even if there is a lack of patience, a willingness to control growing irritation at said 'stupid' questions.
Still it was my fault wasn't it.
Even if to me, the questions had to be asked
Since it was a legal binding arrangement and any false 'truths' filled up would lead to disastrous consequences
Despite that,
I was still, 'Stupid'.
Stupid for not knowing what I don't
Stupid for not having common sense- if you haven't been told that at doctors you wouldn't have it- but I still wanted to be sure- and for that I was being silly-
And stupid for getting so pissed over someone who is of the elites- although not all elites are like that.
But it's fine
Now that I have vented through this wonderful outlet
And that I did go for the check-up and the passport collection alone for precisely this reason- To gain exposure and stop being a fool.
After all, I should have been doing such things -alone- from a long time ago.
This is belated, but it ain't overly late
And so I'd go for every single thing like that alone from now on.
I will learn-- not how not to be a fool, but how not to appear one.
Would you agree, or am I just too angry right now.
Sunday, 6 December 2015
A true adult-- I have never looked at adults as anything other than humans from a different age range. After all, some of them can make decisions that aren't that much wiser than the average 'youngster'. To me, age doesn't define your 'adult'ness, nor does the way you carry yourself.
Have you ever had one of those experiences whereby you felt like your being was undergoing the process of being read, categorized, classified and labeled?
While it wasn't the most pleasant thing out there
One sure learnt loads.
You are, in fact, not in denial with your flaws
And are very aware of it
Whether that's a good or bad thing you can't be sure,
But it sure made you feel like something from high above---not due to status or age but experience and a keen eye for humans--- was looking down at you, processing you, and deciding which box of 'inner conflicts' you should be chucked away into.
Rather than an interview,
It was like someone seeing past everything you held so tightly onto
And who chose to give you advice you needed to hear-
Even if you've told yourself the same thing over and over again
And that you haven't been thinking of it for a long while, now.
Still, this is something I'll never forget
For the intensity and accuracy was so saturated that even milo dinosaurs can't compare with it.
While it wasn't the most pleasant thing out there
One sure learnt loads.
You are, in fact, not in denial with your flaws
And are very aware of it
Whether that's a good or bad thing you can't be sure,
But it sure made you feel like something from high above---not due to status or age but experience and a keen eye for humans--- was looking down at you, processing you, and deciding which box of 'inner conflicts' you should be chucked away into.
Rather than an interview,
It was like someone seeing past everything you held so tightly onto
And who chose to give you advice you needed to hear-
Even if you've told yourself the same thing over and over again
And that you haven't been thinking of it for a long while, now.
Still, this is something I'll never forget
For the intensity and accuracy was so saturated that even milo dinosaurs can't compare with it.
Friday, 4 December 2015
Although she does require more practice. :p
Mom's first cupcakes are a ten upon ten.
Yup I'm biased.
So what huh.
Yup I'm biased.
So what huh.
So strong
I am convinced that the library is built solely for hibernation or as an attraction site that imitates the Artic zone.
Furthermore, it has too much electricity on hand and fears that visitors fail to notice that they do in fact have air conditioners installed.
Hah, and you thought I was strong- "I look fit" >~<
I froze to the point of shivering
But now I'm prepared.
Two jackets long sleeves and jeans-
BRING IT ON AIR-CON DEVILS
Furthermore, it has too much electricity on hand and fears that visitors fail to notice that they do in fact have air conditioners installed.
Hah, and you thought I was strong- "I look fit" >~<
I froze to the point of shivering
But now I'm prepared.
Two jackets long sleeves and jeans-
BRING IT ON AIR-CON DEVILS
Tuesday, 1 December 2015
Full steam ahead!
No more excuses,
No more accepting,
No more procrastinating.
The previous month's been spent on relaxation as well as other commitments.
Now it'll be on books, math chem lit, cca and remnants of my social life, if any.
I gotta get rid of my reliance and addiction to my electronic device;
I gotta start checking my phone on a regular basis.
The irony
When you piss your mum off with never being one with your phone,
And she despite her age is the one who's more up with the times than you according to your age are stereotyped/expected to be.
Oh well.
Just returned from submitting my application form for something ambitious and slightly unattainable, perhaps unrealistic. Interview next, and it's commitment and hard work all the way.
I think I can do it.
Journey of two hours or the interview or even the juggling required after-
I'll just read books on the way there and back, and put in effort.
Regardless, you just gotta try. Wishing is futile.
Journey of two hours or the interview or even the juggling required after-
I'll just read books on the way there and back, and put in effort.
Regardless, you just gotta try. Wishing is futile.
Trying is frightening but always worth it, successful or not.
So there.
My days of honeymoon are over.
It's gotta be 110% on everything that matters, now.
No more worrying,
No more spending thoughts on people,
No more thinking so much about them.
You like me and you stay,
Or you don't.
I won't be focusing so much on petty matters like that from now on-
I-
I want to have something more important to care about.
I have something more important to worry over.
And no, no more motivational and empty speeches.
It'll be for real this time
I promise-
Myself.
Sunday, 29 November 2015
I bet you thought I was soft and sweet, you thought an angel swept you off your feet.
Dearest Math
If I can finally find the replay button on a new phone within five minutes instead of five months, I can do it.
If I can download songs without as much difficulty as before,
I am in fact, a changed person.
Whole new human.
I have rebirthed and returned as some superhero.
I am cereal.
Chemistry, too.
Don't you dare look down on me.
I'll gobble that down soon enough,
And stop flunking.
Pft.
If I can finally find the replay button on a new phone within five minutes instead of five months, I can do it.
If I can download songs without as much difficulty as before,
I am in fact, a changed person.
Whole new human.
I have rebirthed and returned as some superhero.
I am cereal.
Chemistry, too.
Don't you dare look down on me.
I'll gobble that down soon enough,
And stop flunking.
Pft.
Saturday, 28 November 2015
You don't have to go against something if you don't agree with it.
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=X1Fqn9du7xo
I like his music, but it ain't the point here.
Signing the counter petition may or may not have an effect
Regardless, you just have to do it.
What's so incredulous is that there are people out there who would be so narrow minded and ignorant, and that music is no longer music if one's sexuality isn't the norm.
Like what?!
'Protecting' is from harm. Not from something different.
Just because it isn't acceptable to you doesn't mean that it is wrong or 'dangerous'.
Through your 'shielding', what the next generation will ever know of is whatever you choose to tell them, instead of what the world has to offer or even what they start thinking of on their own.
That is not parenting.
Sure we're a conservative bunch,
And it's hard to get permission to volunteer
But I never knew that there were such extremes.
Still, this doesn't reflect my country.
Or at least, not the people that I know of.
Yes.
I like his music, but it ain't the point here.
Signing the counter petition may or may not have an effect
Regardless, you just have to do it.
What's so incredulous is that there are people out there who would be so narrow minded and ignorant, and that music is no longer music if one's sexuality isn't the norm.
Like what?!
'Protecting' is from harm. Not from something different.
Just because it isn't acceptable to you doesn't mean that it is wrong or 'dangerous'.
Through your 'shielding', what the next generation will ever know of is whatever you choose to tell them, instead of what the world has to offer or even what they start thinking of on their own.
That is not parenting.
Sure we're a conservative bunch,
And it's hard to get permission to volunteer
But I never knew that there were such extremes.
Still, this doesn't reflect my country.
Or at least, not the people that I know of.
Yes.
Friday, 27 November 2015
Yay or Nay?
Disclaimer: YES I've always wanted to make this claim. Not that there's much to claim anyway. Oh uh, right. The following contains brain farts extended along with bits of diarrhea. You've been warned.
I envision the scene to be played out with this.
After the breakup (Really liking this)
The first day they met,
It was like magic.
She walked into the room with an energy so upbeat and withheld at the same time that it was impossible not to notice her.
A smile that was both warm and distant,
A tight-lipped one that hinted at secrets and extreme differences.
Cascading curls reflecting the boring lights of the tense room, instantaneously catching the attention of many.
She wasn't pretty
Nor was she strikingly stunning.
Her face was oval, flat, with lips that quirked up at the ends randomly, discreet and as though it were at quiet inside jokes for her, and her alone.
Her eyes were a stark contrast from the rest of her otherwise plain and normal face.
They were an intense stare that threatened to penetrate armory people held so dearly onto, a soft blanket of warmth only the one huddled in it knew.
Dark green and with a silent and gentle sadness to it,
It left an impression.
It made her memorable even in dreams the days to come.
.
He however walked into the room with a less complex aura.
It was straightforward, yet musty as though it held a slight undertone to it.
Jet black hair gelled backwards to form a neat poof at the top, trimmed sides that emphasize the volume at the top, high forehead exposed,
Further elongating his face.
His eyes were focused,
On people and things alike
Yet it flicks away quickly at certain moments like he's uncomfortable with extended eye contact.
Layered,
It gives the first impression of cheerfulness and being lovable.
He laughed with his teeth showing,
Thin lips drawn upwards, exposing gums like there wasn't anything to be hid
Dark eyes twinkling and humorous.
Except that all one saw when eye contact was established
Was a wall.
A tall fence to be climbed,
A well of emotions within.
If his face were to be described
It would be average.
Average and poker-faced.
He was lanky and tall enough to be noticed
And he often looked deep in thought, slightly amused at the things he observes.
.
The moment she arrived,
He saw her.
The moment she arrived,
She saw him.
It was sparks.
The non-romantic kind,
The shivery kind.
The kind so rough and unlike smooth pebbles
The kind like sandpaper incapable of rubbing the sharpness off anything.
It was attraction at first sight
But it wasn't really.
Yet the two of them stared,
Stared hard, stared close.
Time was an incessant nag at the back of both their minds
But it was unnecessary and boring that way.
Neither of them had heard the other speak
They did not know of the voice and the brain
But they imagined.
His would be soothing and calm.
Hers would be smooth and confident.
Both of them would like completely contrasting music.
They would be very different and yet have things to talk about.
They would watch plays together, critique poetry and dance without grace to music within their heads, they would go traveling with toothbrushes, the clothes they have on and money, they would try out figure modelling despite being shy about nudity.
Both would be charming in the way they carried themselves.
Both would have tempers they controlled and seldom showed.
Both would be the type to take an eternity to know and understand.
So then they took steps toward one another
For it was clear
.
.
This was something they both wanted and knew.
I envision the scene to be played out with this.
After the breakup (Really liking this)
The first day they met,
It was like magic.
She walked into the room with an energy so upbeat and withheld at the same time that it was impossible not to notice her.
A smile that was both warm and distant,
A tight-lipped one that hinted at secrets and extreme differences.
Cascading curls reflecting the boring lights of the tense room, instantaneously catching the attention of many.
She wasn't pretty
Nor was she strikingly stunning.
Her face was oval, flat, with lips that quirked up at the ends randomly, discreet and as though it were at quiet inside jokes for her, and her alone.
Her eyes were a stark contrast from the rest of her otherwise plain and normal face.
They were an intense stare that threatened to penetrate armory people held so dearly onto, a soft blanket of warmth only the one huddled in it knew.
Dark green and with a silent and gentle sadness to it,
It left an impression.
It made her memorable even in dreams the days to come.
.
He however walked into the room with a less complex aura.
It was straightforward, yet musty as though it held a slight undertone to it.
Jet black hair gelled backwards to form a neat poof at the top, trimmed sides that emphasize the volume at the top, high forehead exposed,
Further elongating his face.
His eyes were focused,
On people and things alike
Yet it flicks away quickly at certain moments like he's uncomfortable with extended eye contact.
Layered,
It gives the first impression of cheerfulness and being lovable.
He laughed with his teeth showing,
Thin lips drawn upwards, exposing gums like there wasn't anything to be hid
Dark eyes twinkling and humorous.
Except that all one saw when eye contact was established
Was a wall.
A tall fence to be climbed,
A well of emotions within.
If his face were to be described
It would be average.
Average and poker-faced.
He was lanky and tall enough to be noticed
And he often looked deep in thought, slightly amused at the things he observes.
.
The moment she arrived,
He saw her.
The moment she arrived,
She saw him.
It was sparks.
The non-romantic kind,
The shivery kind.
The kind so rough and unlike smooth pebbles
The kind like sandpaper incapable of rubbing the sharpness off anything.
It was attraction at first sight
But it wasn't really.
Yet the two of them stared,
Stared hard, stared close.
Time was an incessant nag at the back of both their minds
But it was unnecessary and boring that way.
Neither of them had heard the other speak
They did not know of the voice and the brain
But they imagined.
His would be soothing and calm.
Hers would be smooth and confident.
Both of them would like completely contrasting music.
They would be very different and yet have things to talk about.
They would watch plays together, critique poetry and dance without grace to music within their heads, they would go traveling with toothbrushes, the clothes they have on and money, they would try out figure modelling despite being shy about nudity.
Both would be charming in the way they carried themselves.
Both would have tempers they controlled and seldom showed.
Both would be the type to take an eternity to know and understand.
So then they took steps toward one another
For it was clear
.
.
This was something they both wanted and knew.
The busiest and most fulfilling holiday thus far.
Peopled out again,
But stuffs have been planned
And you intend to plan more of it anyway.
It feels pretty bad at times
When it feels like you're bossing people around
Cuz you want things to move
And you have ideas
But the ones you're working with aren't the bunch who're more boisterous and spontaneous
It ain't leading,
It felt like you weren't doing it right
A lack of fun or a script you didn't like wasn't the reason like it probably appeared to be.
You can't and shouldn't blame anyone for it either.
It was you without the skills to move things along without making it fun
It was you who doesn't work well with most people.
You can't choose who you work with, too.
Days like these become better when you force yourself to complete things you desperately want to do yet keep procrastinating.
A cold shower works really well, too.
Aaaaand all you require now
Is some sleep
And more completion of work.
But stuffs have been planned
And you intend to plan more of it anyway.
It feels pretty bad at times
When it feels like you're bossing people around
Cuz you want things to move
And you have ideas
But the ones you're working with aren't the bunch who're more boisterous and spontaneous
It ain't leading,
It felt like you weren't doing it right
A lack of fun or a script you didn't like wasn't the reason like it probably appeared to be.
You can't and shouldn't blame anyone for it either.
It was you without the skills to move things along without making it fun
It was you who doesn't work well with most people.
You can't choose who you work with, too.
Days like these become better when you force yourself to complete things you desperately want to do yet keep procrastinating.
A cold shower works really well, too.
Aaaaand all you require now
Is some sleep
And more completion of work.
Wednesday, 25 November 2015
Physical theatre is very.. Physical.
"Water."
"Red."
"Anxiety."
Actions become a little repetitive for one after awhile,
So it really makes you try out different positions and ways of portraying.
Sure you can't dance,
But you tried anyway with unskillful moves.
Along with the attempt at making things flow and smoothening it all,
It was extreme, extreme fun outside of the comfort zone.
You aren't too sure about what to think of it since it has always been something you wanted to try
And exhausting as it was,
It was enjoyable.
Stepping away from naturalistic acting is new and exciting
It requires proximity and much contact with your partner
And while you probably went over the top as with everything,
The fun was in not caring about how you looked and what others thought.
Something about CCA
Apparently I suit the role of a divorcee *chuckles*
Oooookay~
I suppose my face just doesn't scream 'carefree' to people
I'm really having fun tho.. Heheh :D
Oooookay~
I suppose my face just doesn't scream 'carefree' to people
I'm really having fun tho.. Heheh :D
Friday, 20 November 2015
Heavy shelter; Do you hear the storm?
There was a certain forlorn quality to it, the way patients in the Chronic Illness Ward lay in their beds, motionless, with tubes running past them, through them, and into cold machines supposedly meant for comfort and life.
Quiet Chinese songs in the background gives the first impression of serenity, but one minute is all it takes for the loneliness to kick in.
You imagined being in the same position as them
And felt as though it was inappropriate to do anything
As though pity would arise from too much time and feed on pride,
Or the heaviness would leak and expose your weak persona
You felt like crying
And it felt wrong to feel that way.
It was an experience heavier and with much more emotional intensity than you'd first painted it out to be, and while it was an eye-opener and a great experience, it sure closed all thoughts regarding the occupation.
You don't have it in you-- 'The heart' as the lecturer had said, and the capacity to give.
You now have a newfound respect for those in healthcare, particularly nurses.
It was realized, too
That you've been living in a well your whole life
And while it had been clear all along
It has never been as crisp or as distinct.
You are, in fact, so ignorant of the world you can be considered dumb.
You feel dumb.
Other than feelings there should be depth and thoughts, and trains for opinions.
You have no opinions.
You have to improve.
And while feelings still gnaw at your heart and will ever remain a main takeaway from any camp or event that you choose to take part in,
It is time you started filling that empty cavity of a head with more things.
To sum it up?
Talking to mannequins and doing nasogastric tubes or ECGs on them was pretty new.
Learning about epilepsy, wound dressing and taking the blood pressure was interesting.
Listening to unasked-for ghost stories was pretty good, too.
I didn't have much fun, but I learned and I saw.
And I intend to go for more of these.
Quiet Chinese songs in the background gives the first impression of serenity, but one minute is all it takes for the loneliness to kick in.
You imagined being in the same position as them
And felt as though it was inappropriate to do anything
As though pity would arise from too much time and feed on pride,
Or the heaviness would leak and expose your weak persona
You felt like crying
And it felt wrong to feel that way.
It was an experience heavier and with much more emotional intensity than you'd first painted it out to be, and while it was an eye-opener and a great experience, it sure closed all thoughts regarding the occupation.
You don't have it in you-- 'The heart' as the lecturer had said, and the capacity to give.
You now have a newfound respect for those in healthcare, particularly nurses.
It was realized, too
That you've been living in a well your whole life
And while it had been clear all along
It has never been as crisp or as distinct.
You are, in fact, so ignorant of the world you can be considered dumb.
You feel dumb.
Other than feelings there should be depth and thoughts, and trains for opinions.
You have no opinions.
You have to improve.
And while feelings still gnaw at your heart and will ever remain a main takeaway from any camp or event that you choose to take part in,
It is time you started filling that empty cavity of a head with more things.
To sum it up?
Talking to mannequins and doing nasogastric tubes or ECGs on them was pretty new.
Learning about epilepsy, wound dressing and taking the blood pressure was interesting.
Listening to unasked-for ghost stories was pretty good, too.
I didn't have much fun, but I learned and I saw.
And I intend to go for more of these.
Thursday, 19 November 2015
Icy fingers.
Certain people praise too much of a simple action
Blow up a simple 'good job' into a 'wow',
Mesh it into a slimy goo called a 'compliment',
And throw it at you.
In return, you shiver a little
As you grab hold of it,
Unsure of what to do
You smile and the line 'don't say that' pops out like a deflated balloon.
It's nothing much,
But trying to take part in such conversations makes it clear-
'Your fingers are so slender. Mine are so fat.'
'Noooo.. Very nice what. Mine is ugly.'
'No, mine is uglier.'
Errrmaigord.
You're so good at drawing!
That was so smart!
Your voice!
Why, thank you, but no thanks anyway.
We all know that while it may not have been too terrible,
It wasn't godly enough to be elevated to such a painful degree of lubrication.
A compliment is only one when it is heartfelt, true, and not overrated.
Similarly, exclaiming the exact same things at set intervals are just pinwheels spinning in the wind, colorful but invisible, pretty but never leaving an impression.
Taking part in activities such as these are fun since you get to meet new people, but many of them merge together and say so many standard things that sometimes the fun drains away while the discomfort sets in.
No, I'm not 'real' or anything.
I just don't like it, the way it works.
Still, I'm enjoying myself.
Still, I do not appreciate all these expected phrases.
Blow up a simple 'good job' into a 'wow',
Mesh it into a slimy goo called a 'compliment',
And throw it at you.
In return, you shiver a little
As you grab hold of it,
Unsure of what to do
You smile and the line 'don't say that' pops out like a deflated balloon.
It's nothing much,
But trying to take part in such conversations makes it clear-
'Your fingers are so slender. Mine are so fat.'
'Noooo.. Very nice what. Mine is ugly.'
'No, mine is uglier.'
Errrmaigord.
You're so good at drawing!
That was so smart!
Your voice!
Why, thank you, but no thanks anyway.
We all know that while it may not have been too terrible,
It wasn't godly enough to be elevated to such a painful degree of lubrication.
A compliment is only one when it is heartfelt, true, and not overrated.
Similarly, exclaiming the exact same things at set intervals are just pinwheels spinning in the wind, colorful but invisible, pretty but never leaving an impression.
Taking part in activities such as these are fun since you get to meet new people, but many of them merge together and say so many standard things that sometimes the fun drains away while the discomfort sets in.
No, I'm not 'real' or anything.
I just don't like it, the way it works.
Still, I'm enjoying myself.
Still, I do not appreciate all these expected phrases.
Saturday, 14 November 2015
The word 'emo' makes me think of an ostrich for some reason.
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=42Vt24AKzEY
You get used to things over time.
The quality of it
The joy it brings you
The way it excites and calms you simultaneously
Doesn't change however, not unless you start taking things for granted.
What an amazing play yesterday's was.
What a wondrous time it was.
And you wanna know something?
At a horror show, or pretty much anything with the slightest hint of a creepy tone,
The scariest thing isn't the show.
Or so I have been told.
I am the weakest human alive in this aspect.
My heart can't take it.
I kind of just... Die. You know. From shock.
Ah, but it was a reaalllyy good play.
Laughing bitterly at your tragic past/situation is something that really tugs at people's heartstrings, something I've tried before but didn't quite manage to get to work.
I had so many goosebumps that I was literally shivering after it was over.
*deep breath*
Not quite over it yet.. >~<
.
Things feel complete, not that it was starved of before (or perhaps it has indeed been so)
Most if not all of once coveted for has one after another fallen off the list you don't wanna admit.
You've been invited to a Christmas party, too.
The first ever in your life, just like all things experienced this year.
Meeting with friends, having food, watching plays together, discussing thoughts after, late night snacks together, and a train ride home, coupled with 'bye's knowing that you'd see each other soon... It feels like an exaggeration, but it is known that I have a non-existent social life. This is therefore a huge huge huuuuggee step forward for me.
I feel filled, like a balloon swelling with good things or a bloated cat unable to move even if it's to aid digestion from robbing a buffet earlier.
I am so blessed.
Truly, 'emo' as it makes me,
I feel blessed.
You get used to things over time.
The quality of it
The joy it brings you
The way it excites and calms you simultaneously
Doesn't change however, not unless you start taking things for granted.
What an amazing play yesterday's was.
What a wondrous time it was.
And you wanna know something?
At a horror show, or pretty much anything with the slightest hint of a creepy tone,
The scariest thing isn't the show.
Or so I have been told.
I am the weakest human alive in this aspect.
My heart can't take it.
I kind of just... Die. You know. From shock.
Ah, but it was a reaalllyy good play.
Laughing bitterly at your tragic past/situation is something that really tugs at people's heartstrings, something I've tried before but didn't quite manage to get to work.
I had so many goosebumps that I was literally shivering after it was over.
*deep breath*
Not quite over it yet.. >~<
.
Things feel complete, not that it was starved of before (or perhaps it has indeed been so)
Most if not all of once coveted for has one after another fallen off the list you don't wanna admit.
You've been invited to a Christmas party, too.
The first ever in your life, just like all things experienced this year.
Meeting with friends, having food, watching plays together, discussing thoughts after, late night snacks together, and a train ride home, coupled with 'bye's knowing that you'd see each other soon... It feels like an exaggeration, but it is known that I have a non-existent social life. This is therefore a huge huge huuuuggee step forward for me.
I feel filled, like a balloon swelling with good things or a bloated cat unable to move even if it's to aid digestion from robbing a buffet earlier.
I am so blessed.
Truly, 'emo' as it makes me,
I feel blessed.
Friday, 13 November 2015
Alright let's begin shall we. Life will be good again.
Blackbird singing in the dead of night~
Just returned from a play I can't say I love, but wouldn't call disgusting or ridiculous, or pretentious. It was more ensemble than realistic, but it kinda works in my opinion.
It's so psycho and weird, and it felt like I was force fed drugs, or had my brain hacked or something.. But I kinda like it. The way black balloons descended from the ceiling to represent depression, the way she tried keeping balloons in the air and it all just falling, falling, falling...The way they used this scene to show her suicide..
Goddamn.
I'm not even confused.
I didn't understand all of it, but the parts that I got, got me. And that's why I can't dislike it.
It just makes me feel dumbfounded and a little.. Gone.
But heck was today fun. :>
Company always makes things better, what with the fact that I became okay days ago.
Welp.
Dreams, please don't twist and distort into something as crazy as today's play.
The good ones haven't been here for a while now
So I'd appreciate a great night's sleep.
Alright?
Do me a favor won't you.
Just returned from a play I can't say I love, but wouldn't call disgusting or ridiculous, or pretentious. It was more ensemble than realistic, but it kinda works in my opinion.
It's so psycho and weird, and it felt like I was force fed drugs, or had my brain hacked or something.. But I kinda like it. The way black balloons descended from the ceiling to represent depression, the way she tried keeping balloons in the air and it all just falling, falling, falling...The way they used this scene to show her suicide..
Goddamn.
I'm not even confused.
I didn't understand all of it, but the parts that I got, got me. And that's why I can't dislike it.
It just makes me feel dumbfounded and a little.. Gone.
But heck was today fun. :>
Company always makes things better, what with the fact that I became okay days ago.
Welp.
Dreams, please don't twist and distort into something as crazy as today's play.
The good ones haven't been here for a while now
So I'd appreciate a great night's sleep.
Alright?
Do me a favor won't you.
Wednesday, 4 November 2015
I guess I have to be a grownup. Be okay with not being okay.
Not yet a grownup,
But I better try to shouldn't I.
It's times like these that makes you realize that you don't have anyone you want or can talk to about stuffs--- they have to ask, and thank god mum asked; you would have taken days otherwise.
Still, it's kinda nice how your friends would text you to thank you for your advice, even if they don't ask in return
.
It's such a quiet night.
Makes you wanna sit downstairs with the smoldering trees and intensity of the crickets and their mating calls.
But I better try to shouldn't I.
It's times like these that makes you realize that you don't have anyone you want or can talk to about stuffs--- they have to ask, and thank god mum asked; you would have taken days otherwise.
Still, it's kinda nice how your friends would text you to thank you for your advice, even if they don't ask in return
.
It's such a quiet night.
Makes you wanna sit downstairs with the smoldering trees and intensity of the crickets and their mating calls.
It's gonna be okay. But I'm not. Not okay in the slightest, at least not right now. God is it gonna take time, and it isn't hugs or time that'd exactly work for me. I don't make any sense.
I am afraid of a future I thought I'd be prepared for.
There is no running away, but currently there's a lack of courage
And an anxiety that eats at me.
No amount of tea-dying pretty pieces of paper or decorating notebooks calms me down at this juncture; no amount of re watching movies of Shrek or Frozen eases the void.
I should have been prepared for this.
I will appeal.
But I have been too naïve, and they have been very nice, and I should be grateful, settle with it,
accept it, start working for it...
I need courage.
I need time.
I have to accept and think before I decide, and it's not that I have choices.
Appealing will be highly unsuccessful as they said, and I believed in too much.
Now it is something that makes me quiver,
And I will admit that I am not ready for this
But I have to be,
And I have to start soon,
But I can't start before I calm down.
I can't calm down before I make the final decisions,
I can't make the decisions before I calm down,
And I can't calm down because I am unable to start.
The news was 30 hours ago and yet I have not woken up to a dazzling day-
The fear remains and I am still but a little teenager trying to find my way out of this. Or into this. I have to start, and fast. But not right now. Not tomorrow, not the day after. Hell, I need time. I guess I'm not as brave as I wanted to be.
I cried so much.. But I don't think its wrong. I'm just scared. Really, really, scared.
A late night movie out alone
The comforting smell of the familiar bookstore
The silence of the midnight air
The tears
The fear.
The list of positive things in this situation
The time I spent on not freaking out-
I am not okay.
This,
The positivity and acceptance will come later.
I need time to calm down..
I need time.
But it isn't exactly that, either.
There is no running away, but currently there's a lack of courage
And an anxiety that eats at me.
No amount of tea-dying pretty pieces of paper or decorating notebooks calms me down at this juncture; no amount of re watching movies of Shrek or Frozen eases the void.
I should have been prepared for this.
I will appeal.
But I have been too naïve, and they have been very nice, and I should be grateful, settle with it,
accept it, start working for it...
I need courage.
I need time.
I have to accept and think before I decide, and it's not that I have choices.
Appealing will be highly unsuccessful as they said, and I believed in too much.
Now it is something that makes me quiver,
And I will admit that I am not ready for this
But I have to be,
And I have to start soon,
But I can't start before I calm down.
I can't calm down before I make the final decisions,
I can't make the decisions before I calm down,
And I can't calm down because I am unable to start.
The news was 30 hours ago and yet I have not woken up to a dazzling day-
The fear remains and I am still but a little teenager trying to find my way out of this. Or into this. I have to start, and fast. But not right now. Not tomorrow, not the day after. Hell, I need time. I guess I'm not as brave as I wanted to be.
I cried so much.. But I don't think its wrong. I'm just scared. Really, really, scared.
A late night movie out alone
The comforting smell of the familiar bookstore
The silence of the midnight air
The tears
The fear.
The list of positive things in this situation
The time I spent on not freaking out-
I am not okay.
This,
The positivity and acceptance will come later.
I need time to calm down..
I need time.
But it isn't exactly that, either.
Monday, 2 November 2015
世界上不是缺少美，只是缺少发现美的眼睛。---New favorite quote.
So the national exam is over.
So I went out with friends for a movie, not one, but three.
THREE.
WHAT IS GOING ON THAT I WOULD HAVE A SOCIAL LIFE OTHER THAN MY CCA MATES .. WHAT IS GOING ON.
Movie was amazing.
Lemme just say, that I absolutely detest guy leads who are jerks.
Especially so if they treat the girl like crap and mean it.
Even mooorre so, if that girl is somehow blind and likes the guy for/despite it. (So pointless and.. Ugh I shouldn't use that word. You get me don't you. I don't get it, why would anyone like a jerk?! Yes I'm pissed. Yes I detest detest detest such terrible characters and plots.Yes I wish kdramas and all entertainment films would stop with this terrible- I need to stop.)
This guy however, he was blaming himself for something that wasn't his fault, and he was gentle all along, though albeit dishonest and bad with expressing his feelings. He isn't the deepest darkest character out there, but the fact that jokes introduced in the beginning turns and twists into sad plot peppershakes towards the end makes it a movie worthwhile.
This is probably the first time cliché story lines have been used and yet it doesn't come across as overused, utilizing the humor and simple plot to its best climax of sweetness and bitter sadness. It makes you laugh at jokes you see coming, and cry at scenes you know all too well means something else (the I-am-studying-abroad-aka-needing-some-surgery-overseas-cuz-I-am-dying-for-some-reason-so-I-will-not-tell-you-and-break-your-heart-by-making-it-seem-like-I-like-someone-else-so-I-will-not-break-your-heart... Something along that line. Writing makes it look confusing..)
I am in love.
And I will most definitely re-watch it again, even if the acting wasn't godly, and was just, good.
Once I uh, get the version that's for free, online. *cough*
It's honestly unbelievable how enjoyable it was, perhaps due to the fact that I was sitting next to the one friend who didn't speak too much, who didn't speak to me, and that the movie itself was awesome.
Still, my original plan was to come home to a long shower, food, and sleep.
That was my definition of fun and living.
It still is.
Hah,
But I suppose company on its own can be a pretty sweet thing too.
I suppose I'll still watch movies alone in the future, but I wouldn't stay away from people either.
Perhaps, that is the way to go.
Perhaps, that is the way to make life more enjoyable than it currently is.
This is turning waaaayy too much into a diary entry isn't it.
Another favorite drama, a song I love, and a scene I LOVED when this song was first played. (Go watch it. Like right now. That guy's ability to act out crying scenes is splendid.)
I really like this one as well.
So I went out with friends for a movie, not one, but three.
THREE.
WHAT IS GOING ON THAT I WOULD HAVE A SOCIAL LIFE OTHER THAN MY CCA MATES .. WHAT IS GOING ON.
Movie was amazing.
Lemme just say, that I absolutely detest guy leads who are jerks.
Especially so if they treat the girl like crap and mean it.
Even mooorre so, if that girl is somehow blind and likes the guy for/despite it. (So pointless and.. Ugh I shouldn't use that word. You get me don't you. I don't get it, why would anyone like a jerk?! Yes I'm pissed. Yes I detest detest detest such terrible characters and plots.Yes I wish kdramas and all entertainment films would stop with this terrible- I need to stop.)
This guy however, he was blaming himself for something that wasn't his fault, and he was gentle all along, though albeit dishonest and bad with expressing his feelings. He isn't the deepest darkest character out there, but the fact that jokes introduced in the beginning turns and twists into sad plot peppershakes towards the end makes it a movie worthwhile.
This is probably the first time cliché story lines have been used and yet it doesn't come across as overused, utilizing the humor and simple plot to its best climax of sweetness and bitter sadness. It makes you laugh at jokes you see coming, and cry at scenes you know all too well means something else (the I-am-studying-abroad-aka-needing-some-surgery-overseas-cuz-I-am-dying-for-some-reason-so-I-will-not-tell-you-and-break-your-heart-by-making-it-seem-like-I-like-someone-else-so-I-will-not-break-your-heart... Something along that line. Writing makes it look confusing..)
I am in love.
And I will most definitely re-watch it again, even if the acting wasn't godly, and was just, good.
Once I uh, get the version that's for free, online. *cough*
It's honestly unbelievable how enjoyable it was, perhaps due to the fact that I was sitting next to the one friend who didn't speak too much, who didn't speak to me, and that the movie itself was awesome.
Still, my original plan was to come home to a long shower, food, and sleep.
That was my definition of fun and living.
It still is.
Hah,
But I suppose company on its own can be a pretty sweet thing too.
I suppose I'll still watch movies alone in the future, but I wouldn't stay away from people either.
Perhaps, that is the way to go.
Perhaps, that is the way to make life more enjoyable than it currently is.
This is turning waaaayy too much into a diary entry isn't it.
Another favorite drama, a song I love, and a scene I LOVED when this song was first played. (Go watch it. Like right now. That guy's ability to act out crying scenes is splendid.)
I really like this one as well.
Wednesday, 28 October 2015
Novice.
I feel like I will fall for someone not meant for me.
Someone so charming that most people will love,
That wouldn't notice me,
Who if returned my feelings in full if not more
Will not be someone I can get along with.
I feel like if you're not emotional, an over-thinker, or a perfectionist,
I will not fall for you.
And since we'll be so similar in that we're difficult people in general,
It wouldn't work out.
Oh, no
It's not worry or fear I'm addressing here.
It's, Excitement.
Excitement and fear, really.
So I am contradicting myself.
Like always.
But is it not fear which makes things exciting?
It's the trembling excitement at the unknown.
It's the adrenaline and knowing
It's the fact that it'll be something so intense it will break me
It's the thing whereby it wouldn't be as dramatic or suspenseful as dramas make it out to be, but it will not be compatible. It will be eccentric, erratic, and constant in the way that it constantly changes.
That emotional side of you will rub me in all the wrong ways.
That temper of mine
That silence of mine
Will drive you away from me,
Perhaps alike to how it pulls you in in the first place.
Your sensitivity
Your observance and keen eye for details
Your spontaneity
Will perhaps drive me away, too.
We all have our own worth.
I'm not one to fear 'never finding someone out there'.
I am, however, afraid that you, an unknown light as of now,
Will become a shadow of my life;
Cast so strong it's impossible to shake off.
That, I fear.
That, I anticipate and know.
That, I want to feel and experience.
How do I know, you say?
I just.. Feel it.
Hopeful that it wouldn't be true in the sense that life revels in its power of making things change and everything 'unknown' and 'unplanned for', I too am interested in knowing exactly how it feels like to have this genre of emotions.
Don't be afraid of my assumed jealousy, because I wouldn't ever stick with someone for the sake of it. Not unless it is a Someone. Therefore, jealousy does not exist.
Someone so charming that most people will love,
That wouldn't notice me,
Who if returned my feelings in full if not more
Will not be someone I can get along with.
I feel like if you're not emotional, an over-thinker, or a perfectionist,
I will not fall for you.
And since we'll be so similar in that we're difficult people in general,
It wouldn't work out.
Oh, no
It's not worry or fear I'm addressing here.
It's, Excitement.
Excitement and fear, really.
So I am contradicting myself.
Like always.
But is it not fear which makes things exciting?
It's the trembling excitement at the unknown.
It's the adrenaline and knowing
It's the fact that it'll be something so intense it will break me
It's the thing whereby it wouldn't be as dramatic or suspenseful as dramas make it out to be, but it will not be compatible. It will be eccentric, erratic, and constant in the way that it constantly changes.
That emotional side of you will rub me in all the wrong ways.
That temper of mine
That silence of mine
Will drive you away from me,
Perhaps alike to how it pulls you in in the first place.
Your sensitivity
Your observance and keen eye for details
Your spontaneity
Will perhaps drive me away, too.
We all have our own worth.
I'm not one to fear 'never finding someone out there'.
I am, however, afraid that you, an unknown light as of now,
Will become a shadow of my life;
Cast so strong it's impossible to shake off.
That, I fear.
That, I anticipate and know.
That, I want to feel and experience.
How do I know, you say?
I just.. Feel it.
Hopeful that it wouldn't be true in the sense that life revels in its power of making things change and everything 'unknown' and 'unplanned for', I too am interested in knowing exactly how it feels like to have this genre of emotions.
Don't be afraid of my assumed jealousy, because I wouldn't ever stick with someone for the sake of it. Not unless it is a Someone. Therefore, jealousy does not exist.
Thursday, 22 October 2015
Yummy.
Three cheers for taking yourself seriously while acting.
I couldn't quite get over it the first minute or so,
But it really is commendable that he acts with his imagination and discipline.
It has always been something I admired--- Acting with something, a prop, a human, a monster, anything at all- that isn't physically there, and being so into it while you do so.
What a thick and creamy voice.
What a catchy song.
Mmm... :>
I couldn't quite get over it the first minute or so,
But it really is commendable that he acts with his imagination and discipline.
It has always been something I admired--- Acting with something, a prop, a human, a monster, anything at all- that isn't physically there, and being so into it while you do so.
What a thick and creamy voice.
What a catchy song.
Mmm... :>
Do you live to eat, or do you eat to live?
Laksa for the third time in your life and in one week,
And you've discovered a regret of a lifetime: Not having tried it at least once in the past.
Sure, you tear up slightly when having it, look like you're torturing yourself, and require more compulsive eating-
Uh
I meant 'practice'
-To be able to try out more stuffs like these in the future,
But it's so flippin good it's worth the pain(pleasure). //(reference here... Oh nvm. Please ignore that :p)
Dats right, I love me my food, avid fan (coward) of spicy food or not.
A happy belly means a happy me
And I'll worry about calories when the BMI exceeds the range.
Until then...
*pats heaving belly*
..heheh.
And you've discovered a regret of a lifetime: Not having tried it at least once in the past.
Sure, you tear up slightly when having it, look like you're torturing yourself, and require more compulsive eating-
Uh
I meant 'practice'
-To be able to try out more stuffs like these in the future,
But it's so flippin good it's worth the pain(pleasure). //(reference here... Oh nvm. Please ignore that :p)
Dats right, I love me my food, avid fan (coward) of spicy food or not.
A happy belly means a happy me
And I'll worry about calories when the BMI exceeds the range.
Until then...
*pats heaving belly*
..heheh.
Tuesday, 20 October 2015
I didn't know I would grow to love it this much.
Got a cork board full of wishes from juniors, a hand weaved bracelet with colors unique to each individual, and a handwritten card.
Pizza and Oreos
Pictures and chuckles
Hugs and awkwardness
I feel like I belong... Belonged, and still will.
I feel like my 'emo'ness as one of you call it is accepted,
And you people think of me as part of you.
I feel so special.
I feel so happy.
My fears have not come true;
The greatest one seems absolutely impossibru now
Instead, so much good has happened
I finally belong somewhere-
I finally have juniors and something fun to look forward to each week-
And I can't stop smiling. :>
Pizza and Oreos
Pictures and chuckles
Hugs and awkwardness
I feel like I belong... Belonged, and still will.
I feel like my 'emo'ness as one of you call it is accepted,
And you people think of me as part of you.
I feel so special.
I feel so happy.
My fears have not come true;
The greatest one seems absolutely impossibru now
Instead, so much good has happened
I finally belong somewhere-
I finally have juniors and something fun to look forward to each week-
And I can't stop smiling. :>
Saturday, 17 October 2015
I know, I'll disagree. If you aren't okay with that, things will end.
You have your good.
You have your flaws.
You are another human, one I wish to connect with.
You have finally opened up to me for once, and you are the type to continue doing so without performing door slams whimsically and without warning.
I don't agree with some of your thoughts, and I could voice it
But something tells me that disagreeing with you is what will stop all these.
I'm not afraid.
It's just that I really want to make friendships last,
And I really try to enjoy our conversations.
But I don't.
Perhaps I am not good natured enough,
Or forgiving enough,
Or loving enough
To enjoy and be genuinely interested in all the bits and pieces of your life that you so willingly share nowadays.
To want and need a day-to-day running conversation, much like sticky glue and gooey caramel, sweet and addictive.
To look forward to walking together and learning more about you.
I honestly would, if I feel it.
But I don't.
Listening to your problems makes me feel,
But something is lacking.
Something important in a friendship---Something that extends beyond a mutual exchange of problems and advice.
Something like... Fun..?
Something like small talk, only more obnoxious and silly.
Something like simple, simple, simple time together.
I don't like the way you don't seem to appreciate my advice, even if it's what you yourself already know.
I don't like it when things feel forced, and I don't enjoy your company but I desperately try to.
I don't like you very much as a person...
But I really want to.
That would be ideal, right, good, better, wise, nice...
That wouldn't be me.
Perhaps I am not sweet enough to be satisfied with your good alone and being a mere listening ear without being able to contribute with my true thoughts.
Stuff like what I think of prostitution puts you on a highly strung cord that threatens to teeter you over into the wailing sharks below---Stuff like that I know and can feel. Stuff like that I only appreciate and enjoy it if people try to show me what they think without being hurtful, and you only show it to me via those subtle expressions and nanoseconds of hesitation and silence.
Stuff like ranting about movies and acting, or praising books, or counting the times I cried and the times mom freaked out over that. Stuff like how the ice cream would be better with dark chocolate instead of milk, stuff like a future shop together, stuff like clothes, food, the school, your school and your hobbies.
Stuff like that is what I want to do,
Not stuff like knowing all about your life,
Not stuff like talking about nothing else except your life.
Unless. That is,
We are close.
That way, I will love you so much I will wish you talked more so I stop blabbering and stop being so self-centered, boring and selfish.
That way, I will sing so much around you you will get sick of my voice.
That way, I will laugh like a mad woman and you will enjoy/get tired of my company so much more. I will be so much more than a 'good listener', and you will be someone much more interesting.
That stage however, is only reachable if we go way back, and not many manage to do so.
Not with my erratic temperament and quiet thoughts.
Not with my straightforward thoughts that others would call 'complicated'.
Thursday, 15 October 2015
It will be worth it because that is what I want. It will be excruciating effort with little to no repay, but hey... You gotta sacrifice a little something for what you want.
Apparently one science is useless without another
And you are either a 'science student' or an 'arts student'.
What I want is an 'odd' subject combination,
Not offered by the school and not advisable.
Why, but I know what it is that I want.
I like one science but I like the arts, too.
I do not wish to be classified so stereotypically, but.
Suppose my want cannot be fulfilled without sacrificing anything.
Suppose I have to take Chemistry just so I'm not forced to drop Biology which I love and need for my future.
Suppose I face something I don't wanna do just for the sake of something else, something I do so badly at despite working for, something I am absolutely sure I wouldn't want or need.
Suppose I struggle and die, a hundred times over.
.
So be it.
So be it, if I end up with two sciences and an unwise decision.
Sacrifices have to be made, afterall.
Life is never smooth.
It can never be, for it was never meant to be.
One doesn't have that much control over her future,
But I'm prepared to appeal and appeal and ask for it over and over again.
Still, there are no guarantees...
And I am really scared.
I am afraid and conflicted and scared.
I am not ready in the slightest.
I have never considered the possibility of being 'odd'.
I have been so naïve in thinking that following the heart always works.
Oh, but it will.
Besides, it's not allllll bad. :)
The good will be there.
It will be.
Besides, it's not allllll bad. :)
The good will be there.
It will be.
It's just this really huge hurdle that one has to contort her body to overcome.
It's just this denatured enzyme with an irregular active site hoping for the perfect substrate to complete it.
It's just...
That the world's a tiny place when you don't fit into your environment's norm.
Saturday, 3 October 2015
Thursday, 1 October 2015
生日快乐，朋友
已 但 能 我
经 是 够 很
决 不 遇 幸
定 再 见 运
了 做 你
吧 朋 们
友
。 也
很
快
乐
。
谢谢你。
年头时写的卡片
你还记得吧
还生气吧
年中时由衷的话
你还记得吧
还生气吧。
虽不合适
虽不喜欢
虽不开心
你
和她
真真正正地给予了我很愉快的一年
真的，
我很感谢你们。
可我若将以上的话写成卡片
你又会生气吧
又会吵
又会累。
所以
一张白纸
一句生日快乐
会更好吧
原本想送的画
真不知到底够不够，好不好
总觉得没意思，是废纸
还是白纸吧
原本想送礼物
可也不知对不对，能不能
总觉得做的不好
还是白纸吧
原本想写句谢谢
可时间不妥
你也不喜欢我写卡片
还是白纸吧。
经 是 够 很
决 不 遇 幸
定 再 见 运
了 做 你
吧 朋 们
友
。 也
很
快
乐
。
谢谢你。
年头时写的卡片
你还记得吧
还生气吧
年中时由衷的话
你还记得吧
还生气吧。
虽不合适
虽不喜欢
虽不开心
你
和她
真真正正地给予了我很愉快的一年
真的，
我很感谢你们。
可我若将以上的话写成卡片
你又会生气吧
又会吵
又会累。
所以
一张白纸
一句生日快乐
会更好吧
原本想送的画
真不知到底够不够，好不好
总觉得没意思，是废纸
还是白纸吧
原本想送礼物
可也不知对不对，能不能
总觉得做的不好
还是白纸吧
原本想写句谢谢
可时间不妥
你也不喜欢我写卡片
还是白纸吧。
Tuesday, 29 September 2015
Recharged
How luxurious it is-- To have a worry-free afternoon nap
It's been forever,
And it feels amazing.
Sunday, 27 September 2015
Ah, I know. I'll be happy. I'll gain strength and become a positive person. That's how I will get past the yearning for something as shallow as getting liked by the majority.
The title is my mindset.
Unsure of it when I first chose to believe in it,
I'm glad to announce
Now, at sweet sixteen,
That it is indeed a pretty good one.
Change is not what I'm afraid of
And I now know
Clearer than ever before-
The person I want to be;
The friend I'll be
The worker I'll strive for
The human not everyone likes but who likes herself and her life.
I'll be disliked like always
But I will rock that and become a happy person.
I already have,
But ha.
Believe me,
I will continue to.
Now scram,
Past.
I have learnt all that I could from you.
Anything more will be meaningless self-pity.
It is now time to look forward to the future-
The future I found in this beautiful year
And the future I will have in the coming years.
That?
That, I have faith in.
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=JGCsyshUU-A
Unsure of it when I first chose to believe in it,
I'm glad to announce
Now, at sweet sixteen,
That it is indeed a pretty good one.
Change is not what I'm afraid of
And I now know
Clearer than ever before-
The person I want to be;
The friend I'll be
The worker I'll strive for
The human not everyone likes but who likes herself and her life.
I'll be disliked like always
But I will rock that and become a happy person.
I already have,
But ha.
Believe me,
I will continue to.
Now scram,
Past.
I have learnt all that I could from you.
Anything more will be meaningless self-pity.
It is now time to look forward to the future-
The future I found in this beautiful year
And the future I will have in the coming years.
That?
That, I have faith in.
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=JGCsyshUU-A
If I chose the path I am thinking of right now, listening to problems of others will be a daily thing. Listening to problems alike to what I once faced will be inevitable, too. When that happens, what is it that one should do?
I remember when I was liked.
I remember when I was so busy replying to and helping others with their homework that I never had time to complete mine.
I remember when I stayed up till 3 to complete projects that weren't graded, that you guys couldn't give two hoots about.
I remember when all you guys did were to ship me with random guys I actually really really disliked
I remember when I kept quiet about the intrusive jokes and insensitive remarks made on a daily basis
I remember when people liked me
I remember when all I felt was loneliness and helplessness
And it was all solely because of the way I never flared up,
Always listened, always smiled, and never cried till that one day.
Suppose-
Suppose I didn't push everything away in anger.
Suppose-
Suppose I carried on without a voice, carried on being that boring character without my own quirks.
Suppose I continued on,
All in fear of getting disliked.
Suppose I never started cultivating my own personality
Suppose I remained that way.
I know what it'd be like:
Constant, repressed days
Fear of losing, fear of hoping
That was the kind of me I didn't want.
That was the kind of life I wanted to incinerate and throw away.
That was why, and how
I am the difficult person you know now.
So when you, a friend-
A friend from the past,
A character who played a role, and whom I once held emotions against
Someone I couldn't love
But couldn't blame
When you, a friend
Told me, two years after that one year of unhappiness
That you are facing something similar.
And what you talked about were exact sentiments I crushed beneath the rotting leaves
Your heart's too big for your body, it's where your feelings hide.
"I look at you and I see myself."
When you told me so,
I couldn't help but be affected.
I have finally stop pitying myself-
It's well over and done with
I no longer burst into tears at the thought of it
In fact, I have stopped thinking about it entirely;
The slope of negativity and indulgence of it was too slippery for one to want to entertain the thought for too long.
But to think that you, too, are facing similar things
I can't help but wonder
If I had remained the same
And if you, like me, take too long to gather up the courage to break through.
.
It took me an entire year to move on.
I don't want to see you go through the same.
I'm over it now
And I am very, very, very glad.
Making people dislike me for the temper I never showed
Making them feel uncomfortable with the gaze I never used to fixate
Making them upset by the remarks I never dared spew
Making myself more human.
Eating alone at lunch
No longer finishing everything for them
Keeping quiet in discussions if they were quiet, too
No longer feeling compelled to do the so-called 'leading' when others passed wistful comments
--Breaking through.
Not a moment has gone by with me regretting that choice.
Not a moment of looking back has existed in my pursue of isolation.
Forgiveness is almost done
Forgetting is impossible
But if there's one thing I want you to know, friend
It is that I don't regret it one bit
And ruining that pretty shell I created in the past was the best decision I have ever made.
So
Don't say that you sometimes wish you were still the you 'from before'.
Because honestly,
Happiness is all that's waiting on the other side of the door.
I promise you.
Once you wade past the corpses of disdain and shallow critique at your 'change'
Once you stop pitying yourself
Once you make the choice to stop blaming others for your own indecisiveness and desperation at getting welcomed
Once you see that life as it is is very much in control
You just had to sacrifice in order to make things happen
'Change' was always good
And that 'change' sometimes meant 'Growth'
That it is extremely necessary
That is the one day you wake up without the tears and anger.
That is the one day you chuckle at how all those troubles were brought upon you by someone none other than yourself,
That all of it wasn't actually that bad,
That you can finally move on from there.
That,
Is the one day you begin smiling genuinely, all the time.
I remember when I was so busy replying to and helping others with their homework that I never had time to complete mine.
I remember when I stayed up till 3 to complete projects that weren't graded, that you guys couldn't give two hoots about.
I remember when all you guys did were to ship me with random guys I actually really really disliked
I remember when I kept quiet about the intrusive jokes and insensitive remarks made on a daily basis
I remember when people liked me
I remember when all I felt was loneliness and helplessness
And it was all solely because of the way I never flared up,
Always listened, always smiled, and never cried till that one day.
Suppose-
Suppose I didn't push everything away in anger.
Suppose-
Suppose I carried on without a voice, carried on being that boring character without my own quirks.
Suppose I continued on,
All in fear of getting disliked.
Suppose I never started cultivating my own personality
Suppose I remained that way.
I know what it'd be like:
Constant, repressed days
Fear of losing, fear of hoping
That was the kind of me I didn't want.
That was the kind of life I wanted to incinerate and throw away.
That was why, and how
I am the difficult person you know now.
So when you, a friend-
A friend from the past,
A character who played a role, and whom I once held emotions against
Someone I couldn't love
But couldn't blame
When you, a friend
Told me, two years after that one year of unhappiness
That you are facing something similar.
And what you talked about were exact sentiments I crushed beneath the rotting leaves
Your heart's too big for your body, it's where your feelings hide.
"I look at you and I see myself."
When you told me so,
I couldn't help but be affected.
I have finally stop pitying myself-
It's well over and done with
I no longer burst into tears at the thought of it
In fact, I have stopped thinking about it entirely;
The slope of negativity and indulgence of it was too slippery for one to want to entertain the thought for too long.
But to think that you, too, are facing similar things
I can't help but wonder
If I had remained the same
And if you, like me, take too long to gather up the courage to break through.
.
It took me an entire year to move on.
I don't want to see you go through the same.
I'm over it now
And I am very, very, very glad.
Making people dislike me for the temper I never showed
Making them feel uncomfortable with the gaze I never used to fixate
Making them upset by the remarks I never dared spew
Making myself more human.
Eating alone at lunch
No longer finishing everything for them
Keeping quiet in discussions if they were quiet, too
No longer feeling compelled to do the so-called 'leading' when others passed wistful comments
--Breaking through.
Not a moment has gone by with me regretting that choice.
Not a moment of looking back has existed in my pursue of isolation.
Forgiveness is almost done
Forgetting is impossible
But if there's one thing I want you to know, friend
It is that I don't regret it one bit
And ruining that pretty shell I created in the past was the best decision I have ever made.
So
Don't say that you sometimes wish you were still the you 'from before'.
Because honestly,
Happiness is all that's waiting on the other side of the door.
I promise you.
Once you wade past the corpses of disdain and shallow critique at your 'change'
Once you stop pitying yourself
Once you make the choice to stop blaming others for your own indecisiveness and desperation at getting welcomed
Once you see that life as it is is very much in control
You just had to sacrifice in order to make things happen
'Change' was always good
And that 'change' sometimes meant 'Growth'
That it is extremely necessary
That is the one day you wake up without the tears and anger.
That is the one day you chuckle at how all those troubles were brought upon you by someone none other than yourself,
That all of it wasn't actually that bad,
That you can finally move on from there.
That,
Is the one day you begin smiling genuinely, all the time.
Saturday, 26 September 2015
A subtle sweetness at the thought of you. Ah, yes... It still exists.
It's unfair.
You pay so much attention to detail and people
That individually they all think that they're special
And that to you, they mean something a little more.
You're caring and good with words
Nice and knowing of the exact things to do in situations
People all think that they are being treated differently.
It's unfair
Because you've done the same thing to me
And it leaves me wondering.
Knowing the way you are
Knowing that that was partially the reason for my attraction towards you: Observance and maturity
Knowing that I was probably nothing more than another human you deemed interesting like all the others-
Knowing,
Then realizing.
Hoping,
Then knowing.
It's so unfair.
That you're so charming without trying
And every single human thinks the same way I do
It's unfair
Because I don't know what you're thinking
And that's precisely what drives me into a frenzy around you
It's unfair
That you are so lovable
And so unknowingly so, too
It's unfair
That you aren't to blame for sending all these false signals
And it is precisely this ignorance and natural charm that makes me crush so hard on you.
It's unfair
Cuz I was the only one whose mouth widened into an uncontrollable grin when I saw that it was you, and it was you who would stay for the next few months
While you carried on with that unreadable expression and all-knowing eyes
It's unfair
That I was the one who went up to you with an awkward line of 'When's your birthday?'
With no tact and the worst timing possible
While you looked at me with those eyes and half-smile
Before you walked off with me regretting the silly outburst
It's unfair;
That I'll never see you again
And all the memories are exact copies of what others have of you.
I am nothing special
But you're everything of that.
Entering and leaving just like that-
How... Unfair.
You pay so much attention to detail and people
That individually they all think that they're special
And that to you, they mean something a little more.
You're caring and good with words
Nice and knowing of the exact things to do in situations
People all think that they are being treated differently.
It's unfair
Because you've done the same thing to me
And it leaves me wondering.
Knowing the way you are
Knowing that that was partially the reason for my attraction towards you: Observance and maturity
Knowing that I was probably nothing more than another human you deemed interesting like all the others-
Knowing,
Then realizing.
Hoping,
Then knowing.
It's so unfair.
That you're so charming without trying
And every single human thinks the same way I do
It's unfair
Because I don't know what you're thinking
And that's precisely what drives me into a frenzy around you
It's unfair
That you are so lovable
And so unknowingly so, too
It's unfair
That you aren't to blame for sending all these false signals
And it is precisely this ignorance and natural charm that makes me crush so hard on you.
It's unfair
Cuz I was the only one whose mouth widened into an uncontrollable grin when I saw that it was you, and it was you who would stay for the next few months
While you carried on with that unreadable expression and all-knowing eyes
It's unfair
That I was the one who went up to you with an awkward line of 'When's your birthday?'
With no tact and the worst timing possible
While you looked at me with those eyes and half-smile
Before you walked off with me regretting the silly outburst
It's unfair;
That I'll never see you again
And all the memories are exact copies of what others have of you.
I am nothing special
But you're everything of that.
Entering and leaving just like that-
How... Unfair.
Friday, 25 September 2015
Sometimes perfection is the last thing on my mind.
I get this ball of energy sometimes.
It's like a furling with microscopic prickles;
It starts from somewhere unknown
And sends motor impulses to the effector,
Ordering it to get paper and pencil
With music like the one previously linked,
The hand moves on its own
And the mind almost blanks
Random things pop up
And the drawing is finished before you know it.
Gaunt, black and white, sketchy, empty looking and coarse.
It's nowhere near pretty
And family tells you it's 'terrifying'.
Nightmarish eyebrows-
You had, in that moment, felt compelled to flare it out.
Wild, messy
For some reason you felt engrossed, agitated even
That you didn't care that imperfections were what ruled this drawing
And it wasn't 'aesthetically appealing'.
The eyes always looks empty if the lips aren't smiling;
Akin to how you feel at times.
Shapeless lips and rowdy shading
It's as though something takes over you for a second
Usage of the pencil is not even close to being delicate.
You are careless, ugly, yearning and impatient.
You can never care less.
Usage of the pencil is not even close to being delicate.
You are careless, ugly, yearning and impatient.
You can never care less.
And boom
The drawing is complete
Completely-
Unattractive and unworthy of gaining approval when feasted upon by the eyes.
You don't understand;
You never do.
It just felt really, really, really great to let everything go in that moment
Before you return to drawing sparkly eyes and precise shapes and lines
And before you try to make things look 'good' again.
After all
You do get really bored of the doodles that you sketch whenever there's time.
Flat, one-dimensional, not attractive enough to make you hold your breath,
But not rough enough to send shivers down your spine either.
Somehow, the doodles always end up looking the same: emotionless and striving for the same standard of 'ideal'. It's always a futile attempt at perfection and beauty.
That kind of middle line is boring.
That kind of drawing isn't what I want to continue.
I want to explore.
I'm not trying to improve my skills anymore-
There's no meaning since drawing is what I like,
And there isn't a point in striving for appearances when all you like doing is using the action itself as a way of recharging and expression.
Since I'm not planning to use drawing in any way other than for my own critiques and experimentation, 'improving' has gradually become so unimportant that it has fallen off the list.
All I wanna do
And probably will do
Is to improve on how I express myself through drawing.
'Improvement' to me only means something that way.
And that
Is to vent and show,
Via the callouses in my creations
And cringey skills
Everything from within.
So
I want to tear through paper and hate my drawings.
I want to sketch and make it lifeless and hot
I want to melt through all those fine lines and careful coloring I used to do.
This feels very much like an insult to Art itself,
But paper and pencil to me isn't something to be used for beauty.
Perhaps, it is an unspoken rule that 'beauty', 'emotions' and 'meaning' have to come hand in hand
But to me,
It doesn't.
It doesn't.
After all
You do get really bored of the doodles that you sketch whenever there's time.
Flat, one-dimensional, not attractive enough to make you hold your breath,
But not rough enough to send shivers down your spine either.
Somehow, the doodles always end up looking the same: emotionless and striving for the same standard of 'ideal'. It's always a futile attempt at perfection and beauty.
That kind of middle line is boring.
That kind of drawing isn't what I want to continue.
I want to explore.
I'm not trying to improve my skills anymore-
There's no meaning since drawing is what I like,
And there isn't a point in striving for appearances when all you like doing is using the action itself as a way of recharging and expression.
Since I'm not planning to use drawing in any way other than for my own critiques and experimentation, 'improving' has gradually become so unimportant that it has fallen off the list.
All I wanna do
And probably will do
Is to improve on how I express myself through drawing.
'Improvement' to me only means something that way.
And that
Is to vent and show,
Via the callouses in my creations
And cringey skills
Everything from within.
So
I want to tear through paper and hate my drawings.
I want to sketch and make it lifeless and hot
I want to melt through all those fine lines and careful coloring I used to do.
This feels very much like an insult to Art itself,
But paper and pencil to me isn't something to be used for beauty.
Perhaps, it is an unspoken rule that 'beauty', 'emotions' and 'meaning' have to come hand in hand
But to me,
It doesn't.
It doesn't.
Uh.. Directors? Please, come up with better plots than these.
It absolutely pisses me off to watch terrible movies.
Especially those inclusive of romance,
And all that's going on is the physical attraction the characters have for one another.
How do you get the hots for someone just for their face?
I fail to comprehend this.
Well uh you would get attracted at first glance
Everyone's shallow to that extent
I'm not denying this
But that shouldn't be the sole reason for your attraction.
That shouldn't make you serious enough.
Especially so,
If the personality is really terrible
And it's dismissed as 'having character'.
Like hello?!
'Character' is so so so so sooooo far away from being a rude and selfish person!
You do not fall for someone who wouldn't sacrifice a single thing for you.
You do not fall for someone who kisses you whilst having a girlfriend, then breaks away saying he 'can't do it'!
Nonononononono!
I say no.
I say. No.
Nay.
Never.
It's absolutely-
Gosh I'm so pissed.
I gotta go watch some other movie to get over this trauma. :<
Especially those inclusive of romance,
And all that's going on is the physical attraction the characters have for one another.
How do you get the hots for someone just for their face?
I fail to comprehend this.
Well uh you would get attracted at first glance
Everyone's shallow to that extent
I'm not denying this
But that shouldn't be the sole reason for your attraction.
That shouldn't make you serious enough.
Especially so,
If the personality is really terrible
And it's dismissed as 'having character'.
Like hello?!
'Character' is so so so so sooooo far away from being a rude and selfish person!
You do not fall for someone who wouldn't sacrifice a single thing for you.
You do not fall for someone who kisses you whilst having a girlfriend, then breaks away saying he 'can't do it'!
Nonononononono!
I say no.
I say. No.
Nay.
Never.
It's absolutely-
Gosh I'm so pissed.
I gotta go watch some other movie to get over this trauma. :<
Thursday, 24 September 2015
I know; I'm not easy to get along with.
You attract people alike to you as you grow older.
It would seem as though it's due to the classes I take or the decisions I make;
But somehow, you end up with people with boundaries and difficult personas
Somehow, you meet those alike to your type, and those not alike to it but whom are still similar in a sense
Somehow, there no longer seems to be a need for 'fitting in',
Cuz you attract similar people
And it's either you get along at first and end up not being suitable for one another
Or you meet those (one) that you fall for rather quickly.
I have misunderstood something for a long time now,
But now it makes sense.
People I end up meeting are mostly either really warm and friendly, or rather difficult to get along with once you get too close.
The former gives everyone the impression of being an admirer
While the latter gives the first impression of being soulmates
I'm not categorizing here
It's just really interesting how change has brought me not just a change of heart but a change of environment and people as well.
Perhaps,
That too means that I am someone like them
And that is very warming to know.
It would seem as though it's due to the classes I take or the decisions I make;
But somehow, you end up with people with boundaries and difficult personas
Somehow, you meet those alike to your type, and those not alike to it but whom are still similar in a sense
Somehow, there no longer seems to be a need for 'fitting in',
Cuz you attract similar people
And it's either you get along at first and end up not being suitable for one another
Or you meet those (one) that you fall for rather quickly.
I have misunderstood something for a long time now,
But now it makes sense.
People I end up meeting are mostly either really warm and friendly, or rather difficult to get along with once you get too close.
The former gives everyone the impression of being an admirer
While the latter gives the first impression of being soulmates
I'm not categorizing here
It's just really interesting how change has brought me not just a change of heart but a change of environment and people as well.
Perhaps,
That too means that I am someone like them
And that is very warming to know.
"You'd look good in dark blue."
Went shopping with a friend yesterday. :>
Since it was the first time,
I honestly didn't know what to expect.
Whatsapping each other pictures of outfit ideas for the next day
Having lunch together
Talking---all the time
Giving each other suggestions on what clothes to buy and what not to
Telling the other person of the color that suits her-
Everything not overly girly and yet still unbelievably so.
Since it was the first time,
You were very much blown away.
After all,
You have always thought of others' opinions as to be taken with a pinch of salt, and others' company to not be relied upon for your own decisions.
Shopping with humans was always seen as frustrating since they liked too much noise, and voiced opinions weren't always true. It was seen as meaningless since you liked making decisions--especially money-wise ones---alone, and after much hesitation.
Disagreeing with them wasn't nice either;
They only thought of whatever they thought of.
You had to be polite in rejecting their ideas
And you didn't exactly have the luxury of your own pace in deciding.
To have someone else by your side feels weird,
But it really wasn't as bad as you imagined it to be
Or had experienced before.
Despite it being the first time,
You really enjoyed it
And it was worth the energy and effort it took to go out with someone like this, doing what normal teenage girls do
It's worth it even if you aren't used to it and would still prefer shopping alone like you always did.
It's worth it,
And you aren't sure whether you'd want to
But would still go for
If another opportunity like this arises.
Since it was the first time,
I honestly didn't know what to expect.
Whatsapping each other pictures of outfit ideas for the next day
Having lunch together
Talking---all the time
Giving each other suggestions on what clothes to buy and what not to
Telling the other person of the color that suits her-
Everything not overly girly and yet still unbelievably so.
Since it was the first time,
You were very much blown away.
After all,
You have always thought of others' opinions as to be taken with a pinch of salt, and others' company to not be relied upon for your own decisions.
Shopping with humans was always seen as frustrating since they liked too much noise, and voiced opinions weren't always true. It was seen as meaningless since you liked making decisions--especially money-wise ones---alone, and after much hesitation.
Disagreeing with them wasn't nice either;
They only thought of whatever they thought of.
You had to be polite in rejecting their ideas
And you didn't exactly have the luxury of your own pace in deciding.
To have someone else by your side feels weird,
But it really wasn't as bad as you imagined it to be
Or had experienced before.
Despite it being the first time,
You really enjoyed it
And it was worth the energy and effort it took to go out with someone like this, doing what normal teenage girls do
It's worth it even if you aren't used to it and would still prefer shopping alone like you always did.
It's worth it,
And you aren't sure whether you'd want to
But would still go for
If another opportunity like this arises.
Wednesday, 23 September 2015
Be still my thumping heart xD
Constantly losing sleep over nerves or excitement,
It's no wonder one always feels tired.
I'm supposed to be asleep for another two hours before the day truly begins,
But it's fine
Cuz I'm bursting with excitement
And I can't wait. :D
It's no wonder one always feels tired.
I'm supposed to be asleep for another two hours before the day truly begins,
But it's fine
Cuz I'm bursting with excitement
And I can't wait. :D
Tuesday, 22 September 2015
Scattered glass beads
Somehow the term 'love' has been appearing and reappearing, time and again in my life this year.
For some reason, I'm always chancing upon it.
For some reason, it's there wherever I am, whoever it is that I am with, and whatever it is that I am doing.
It's such a strange term--- Not exactly thought about and not ever really taken into consideration, it always comes as shock when questions about it pop up.
"How do you find true love?"
"Have you ever wondered.. Why do we love?"
"Sometimes the feelings between friends.. Is a type of love."
The answers you gave in the moment were always too shallow.
The answers you truly would have given would always pop up days after, and you would wait in anticipation to break it to the other party.
You sometimes wish you thought quickly about things,
But jumping to conclusions ain't your forte and it just doesn't come naturally as quick
Concepts like 'love' are abstract like everything else,
But you honestly have never wondered as much about it
Or you have, but never dwelled on it for long.
Other than family and friendship,
The concept of love itself
Be it in the familial sense, between friends, or romantically speaking
Has never really played a key role in the way your dictionary functions.
You never used to describe things as stuff you 'loved'.
It was always a 'like', for feelings of attraction were denoted by the term,
And it would be forgivable if it turned out to be fickle or unreliable
If it were to change,
One wouldn't feel bad
One wouldn't be scared
Because it is shallow,
It is unfaithful.
Not to be trusted
And unbelievably out of reach-
That was what 'like' meant.
And now,
'Love'.
.
I wish I had answers
But I don't really.
I need my family and they need me.
I like my friends but they can always leave.
There aren't that many of them
For I'm always pushing
And they're always leaving
Except for one.
None of it is trustworthy
So how should I 'Love'?
.
But now, it feels like I do.
I do love,
And I do like.
I love life,
And I love you.
Even if we haven't gotten that close yet
And even if you will leave regardless.
Perhaps, 'love' has always been present
And I never really paid attention to it.
Family is more than ties
Friends are more than connections
Hobbies are more than interests
Life is more than a series of emotions and events
And we are all more than it all.
We inspire love.
We create it.
Therefore, we crave it.
Is that so?
For some reason, I'm always chancing upon it.
For some reason, it's there wherever I am, whoever it is that I am with, and whatever it is that I am doing.
It's such a strange term--- Not exactly thought about and not ever really taken into consideration, it always comes as shock when questions about it pop up.
"How do you find true love?"
"Have you ever wondered.. Why do we love?"
"Sometimes the feelings between friends.. Is a type of love."
The answers you gave in the moment were always too shallow.
The answers you truly would have given would always pop up days after, and you would wait in anticipation to break it to the other party.
You sometimes wish you thought quickly about things,
But jumping to conclusions ain't your forte and it just doesn't come naturally as quick
Concepts like 'love' are abstract like everything else,
But you honestly have never wondered as much about it
Or you have, but never dwelled on it for long.
Other than family and friendship,
The concept of love itself
Be it in the familial sense, between friends, or romantically speaking
Has never really played a key role in the way your dictionary functions.
You never used to describe things as stuff you 'loved'.
It was always a 'like', for feelings of attraction were denoted by the term,
And it would be forgivable if it turned out to be fickle or unreliable
If it were to change,
One wouldn't feel bad
One wouldn't be scared
Because it is shallow,
It is unfaithful.
Not to be trusted
And unbelievably out of reach-
That was what 'like' meant.
And now,
'Love'.
.
I wish I had answers
But I don't really.
I need my family and they need me.
I like my friends but they can always leave.
There aren't that many of them
For I'm always pushing
And they're always leaving
Except for one.
None of it is trustworthy
So how should I 'Love'?
.
But now, it feels like I do.
I do love,
And I do like.
I love life,
And I love you.
Even if we haven't gotten that close yet
And even if you will leave regardless.
Perhaps, 'love' has always been present
And I never really paid attention to it.
Family is more than ties
Friends are more than connections
Hobbies are more than interests
Life is more than a series of emotions and events
And we are all more than it all.
We inspire love.
We create it.
Therefore, we crave it.
Is that so?
Teeheehee :D
Exams ended today.
Cleaned my room of the stacks of papers and textbooks
Abandoned all of them to rot in the Corner of Desolation
Had a lengthy and cold shower that kills Earth
Lunch from Subway with that favorite cookie and drink
Watched a movie and cried (of course)
Completed a twelve-episode anime series from start to finish
Had pizza for dinner
Made plans for the days ahead (should have done this before exams ended.. But I tried to abstain from distractions so I didn't. Speaking of which, I haven't listened to any songs but instrumentals for three weeks now. Only through such self-limitation do you realize the extent of your reliance and addiction to music; for whenever you could, you would have.) (Blogging, too. Food, oily delicious unhealthy heaty and expensive, showers, overly long and wasteful. Everythangg.)
.
....Whew.
Whew, I say.
Exams are over.
I feel a little weird.
There's teachers to thank and things to do
Piled up high, there's things I gotta do
Movies to watch and vlogs to catch up on
Decisions to make and research for the sake of that
People to ask and people not to mention it to
It's time to start thinking;
To stop thinking.
Well, at least for a little.
For all that's left now is a week's insane relaxation and play before revving up once more for the Mandarin national exam in November.
But hah.
Hahaha.
We'll leave that for later.
Cuz, well
WHO AM I TRYING TO KID I AM NOT ACTUALLY THAT CALM ABOUT ALL DIS HAZZ
THIS RIGHT HERE IS MY EXACT SENTIMENTS AT THE ENDING OF A MONTH'S SLOGGING FITFUL SLEEP AND ABSTINENCE FROM ALL THAT I LOVE.
I FEEL ROYALLY SCREWED AS ALWAYS BUT WHO THE HECK CARES HUH HAHAHAHAHAAHA
LET IT GO LET IT GO LET ALL THE SCREWS COME AND GO
LET IT GO LET IT GO
I DONT REALLY CARE ANYMORE
YUP THAT SONG
IS OVERRRUSEDDDD
LET THE RESULTS ROOOTTTTTT
I CANT DO ANYTHING ANYWAY~
*coughs*
Apparently 'sixteen' means that I should be more.. Mature about this.
Here, the movie I watched
1:32:00-1:36:15 is the strongest moment for me.
^ Waaaaaayyyyyy too many great moments in this for me to list em all.
It'd be perfect if not for the rushed ending within the last thirty minutes and the fact that the the guy readily threw his family away when his old love for the main character was reignited.
I suppose I was indeed wishing for it
But someone who would throw family away like that, and without hesitation..
That ain't someone I'd deem reliable. :)
That wouldn't be someone I will fall in love with, much less look for if I were to have to leave.
Still
This is definitely one of the best movies I've ever watched.
Still
I am very much in love with it.
Cleaned my room of the stacks of papers and textbooks
Abandoned all of them to rot in the Corner of Desolation
Had a lengthy and cold shower that kills Earth
Lunch from Subway with that favorite cookie and drink
Watched a movie and cried (of course)
Completed a twelve-episode anime series from start to finish
Had pizza for dinner
Made plans for the days ahead (should have done this before exams ended.. But I tried to abstain from distractions so I didn't. Speaking of which, I haven't listened to any songs but instrumentals for three weeks now. Only through such self-limitation do you realize the extent of your reliance and addiction to music; for whenever you could, you would have.) (Blogging, too. Food, oily delicious unhealthy heaty and expensive, showers, overly long and wasteful. Everythangg.)
.
....Whew.
Whew, I say.
Exams are over.
I feel a little weird.
There's teachers to thank and things to do
Piled up high, there's things I gotta do
Movies to watch and vlogs to catch up on
Decisions to make and research for the sake of that
People to ask and people not to mention it to
It's time to start thinking;
To stop thinking.
Well, at least for a little.
For all that's left now is a week's insane relaxation and play before revving up once more for the Mandarin national exam in November.
But hah.
Hahaha.
We'll leave that for later.
Cuz, well
WHO AM I TRYING TO KID I AM NOT ACTUALLY THAT CALM ABOUT ALL DIS HAZZ
THIS RIGHT HERE IS MY EXACT SENTIMENTS AT THE ENDING OF A MONTH'S SLOGGING FITFUL SLEEP AND ABSTINENCE FROM ALL THAT I LOVE.
I FEEL ROYALLY SCREWED AS ALWAYS BUT WHO THE HECK CARES HUH HAHAHAHAHAAHA
LET IT GO LET IT GO LET ALL THE SCREWS COME AND GO
LET IT GO LET IT GO
I DONT REALLY CARE ANYMORE
YUP THAT SONG
IS OVERRRUSEDDDD
LET THE RESULTS ROOOTTTTTT
I CANT DO ANYTHING ANYWAY~
*coughs*
Apparently 'sixteen' means that I should be more.. Mature about this.
Here, the movie I watched
1:32:00-1:36:15 is the strongest moment for me.
^ Waaaaaayyyyyy too many great moments in this for me to list em all.
It'd be perfect if not for the rushed ending within the last thirty minutes and the fact that the the guy readily threw his family away when his old love for the main character was reignited.
I suppose I was indeed wishing for it
But someone who would throw family away like that, and without hesitation..
That ain't someone I'd deem reliable. :)
That wouldn't be someone I will fall in love with, much less look for if I were to have to leave.
Still
This is definitely one of the best movies I've ever watched.
Still
I am very much in love with it.
Wednesday, 9 September 2015
Wrinkled dollar bill
It's a truly exquisite feeling to feel like you understand, and in turn, be understood.
Reciprocal of feelings and a similar thought pattern resulting in an atmosphere you can only hope for with the others-
Studying together is only fun when it isn't driven by impure wishes
The fun is in the silence and intense concentration
The fun is in the sharing of chips and gummies
The fun is in the talking of anything and everything as a study break.
The fun is in the companionship
It is to literally sit next to one another and do things as you would when alone.
It is to interpret the term 'to study together' in its most literal form.
It isn't anything like working on a common topic or subject
It isn't in hopes of directly helping one another
It perhaps could be, yet isn't really, for it can not be.
It isn't any of those things condemned onto a damned list.
It is everything on the empty list,
Yet to be listed and filled.
It is
Everything not yet expected or believed
Everything of what once experienced will be chucked away safely within the trove of feathery wishes, rusting and yet protected in the drawer.
It is everything beautiful and magical
It is something to be stashed away with a secretive smile and a locked album.
Speaking of it somehow makes it lose its magic
Writing somehow amplifies the simplicity of it, distorting it into something overly beautified
Thinking too overuses certain elements and turns it into a savoured repetition
But it doesn't change the warmth and airiness that studying with a great friend brings.
And so
It shall be continued--- the thinking, the looking forward, the enjoying, and of course---the stashing.
Reciprocal of feelings and a similar thought pattern resulting in an atmosphere you can only hope for with the others-
Studying together is only fun when it isn't driven by impure wishes
The fun is in the silence and intense concentration
The fun is in the sharing of chips and gummies
The fun is in the talking of anything and everything as a study break.
The fun is in the companionship
It is to literally sit next to one another and do things as you would when alone.
It is to interpret the term 'to study together' in its most literal form.
It isn't anything like working on a common topic or subject
It isn't in hopes of directly helping one another
It perhaps could be, yet isn't really, for it can not be.
It isn't any of those things condemned onto a damned list.
It is everything on the empty list,
Yet to be listed and filled.
It is
Everything not yet expected or believed
Everything of what once experienced will be chucked away safely within the trove of feathery wishes, rusting and yet protected in the drawer.
It is everything beautiful and magical
It is something to be stashed away with a secretive smile and a locked album.
Speaking of it somehow makes it lose its magic
Writing somehow amplifies the simplicity of it, distorting it into something overly beautified
Thinking too overuses certain elements and turns it into a savoured repetition
But it doesn't change the warmth and airiness that studying with a great friend brings.
And so
It shall be continued--- the thinking, the looking forward, the enjoying, and of course---the stashing.
Monday, 7 September 2015
Some days I unknowingly do stuff like these.
I might have accidentally flashed this blog in a picture meant for schoolwork
Well, not that anyone would notice
But it still feels like something private was exposed.
I might have been tactless in replying to certain people too
And it's not just me; my entire family has the tendency to experience a sudden drop in EQ whenever distracted or overly focused on something else.
This isnt good..
Well, not that anyone would notice
But it still feels like something private was exposed.
I might have been tactless in replying to certain people too
And it's not just me; my entire family has the tendency to experience a sudden drop in EQ whenever distracted or overly focused on something else.
This isnt good..
Fun piece of homework
Poem on War: "Sneaky Pants".
We are all good friends.
It starts off a little something like this:
We are all good friends.
That is; till death or conflicts do us apart.
What conflict, you say?
Why, that stubby trunk of giggles ate my cookie.
If there's one thing I hate, it's cookie burglars.
No one steals my cookies.
No one.
And it was the sticky one with melted chips and gooey bits, too.
So
I raised my fist,
A declaration of war.
Comrades are non-existent unless they share the same pain-
Taking their cookie away was a strategy.
Oh yes, I am smart.
The war zone is already filled with cries of anguish
Pudgy cannons in the air,
Ready to take my side.
This is where I strike,
Because, well, I strategize like that.
Waddling over, my vision blurring, my steps unsteady,
I take aim.
One,
Two,
Three.
Beneath the chaos is a burning desire to exact revenge.
Following my lead-
Hey, don't look at me like that.
I'm a natural leader-
Following my lead,
They rush forward,
A slow amble,
A time movement both painful and sticky.
Comrades defeat opponents,
Snatching up what would have been theirs in the first place
Collating treasure not for the leader buy themselves.
But of course, there too are a few slimy ones who squish and glue themselves to their territory, hiding their share of the treasure beneath smudged shirts.
Those---are the clever ones.
But not as clever as me!
For I have raided five times worth my loss
I have gotten revenge,
Led a revolution,
Inspired a massacre,
And none of them had for a second their radars trained on me.
They fear--- They follow.
And I, Lead.
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