Let's talk about some useless stuffs.
Skin.
The condition of my skin has probably not been this good ever since I stopped taking care of myself, started skipping meals and incorporating weird sleep patterns into my lifestyle.
Over the past few days, however, I have simply been lying on my sweet bed, closing my burning eyes, rubbing my throbbing temples, and letting sleep claim me for as long as it wants.
Twice now I have awoken at the usual time but returned to sleeping for another five hours,
And when the dizziness returns, I lie down and do nothing except for some music.
It actually really, really helps,
And though it wasn't my intention to heal my skin as well as my aching body,
It'd worked.
Of course, I have been feeding myself rather decent meals for the past three days,
Been drinking loads of green tea, and taking better care of my skin.
So yes, sleep is the best remedy for all.
Mind.
It is filled with many things as per usual, but at least I'm no longer drowsy all the time, concentration doesn't exhaust me, and memorization is clearer than before.
Once again, I have only the sleep gods to thank; but who knows how long I can keep this up, and therefore how long the effect will last?
Weight.
I've been hesitating when it comes to talking about this, because no one else has noticed and the only difference is when I take the rare weighing scale test. (Yeah.. I just can't be bothered)
Ever since PW struck, it's been a total loss of 5kg. While that's a tiny number, it has actually succeeded in making me feel less bloated and look slightly better. But no one seems to be able to tell the difference, so for now I suppose I'll just treat it as a number: nothing more, nothing less.
I know that it's due to my terrible appetite and negligence, and part of me wants to blame the bad people who led me to that two-week period of sadness, but part of me wants to be honest, too.
Truth is I haven't been dieting; I love my food too much.
Yet it isn't enough for me to turn to it for solace when upset; If anything, I have the habit of avoiding food till I'm happy again, and it isn't enough for me to monitor that I eat regularly and with decent amounts, for if I'm feeling unwell, chances are I skip eating altogether to alleviate the discomfort.
And that has never served me well.
That's why, this coming year I have really gotta eat and sleep more, as much of a glutton as that makes me sound.
Studies.
I know, I'm a broken recorder.
Thus I shall only talk about the things I've accomplished so far,
Because I've heard that that helps reduce stress levels and increase self satisfaction.
I completed the 100 hour programme inclusive of both assessments in two weeks, I've worked through lit guidebooks, an entire stack of GP model essays, much of math and quite a bit of bio since then.
There's still chemistry, and the horrifying prospect that I haven't yet touched it,
But I think what's most important is that I take things singularly, devote myself to that for short periods of time so that whatever should be salvaged, is redeemed (sorta), before I then move on to
other weak points of mine.
There is no reason for me to freak out now,
Because I have been, all year,
And that too has never served me well.
Well.
Instead of a notebook for consolidation in Bio, I am now utilizing flash-card-like ring-bound ones that should probably help me better in memorizing and structure in doing so.
Math requires way more practice, but the basics are almost covered so that's something.
I'll be looking into doing audio recording and seeing if it helps with memorization in Bio, but perhaps that is excessive and my usual methods will work.
Then there's literature, and GP, and for now I'll simply read as much as I can, consolidate the important parts and churn out more notebooks to be flipped through.
Reviewing things and loads of practice will be the key to next year, so that's that.
There's still so, so much to be done.
.... Oh pray, me, relax for god's sake!
Were those my New Years resolutions?
Ah, I've got nooooo ideaaa.
Just know, that studying will be my top priority starting tomorrow
And that it doesn't rob me of my personality or my life,
Because that's what's truly important for now.
One year of mugging, one year of effort,
One year of,
This,
And I will (very hopefully) get to where I hope to be in the future.
In a meritocratic society, this is the best thing to do for yourself, after all.
(And I've got a dream,
Things I want to learn and stuffs I gotta do.
It might sound ironic that I'm studying hard now so that I can study something else harder in the future,
But that is mostly true; I don't want a degree for the sake of it.
I have subjects and languages that interest me,
And getting the A levels done, and done well would enable me to study all that without worry. Right now there isn't enough time, or resources, and only after the A levels can I truly pursue every single Psychology book I can get my hands on, or dip my head into Philosophy, or the books on the market in China and the history of Japan. (And these are verrrrryy subject to change, btw)
Furthermore, I'll probably get into the course I want if I study really hard, so that's that-
It all starts with A levels,and the effort that has to go into that.
I will tell you more about my dreams, in detail,
But it won't mean shit if the most basic of all things-
A levels, isn't yet settled and gotten out of the way.
Saturday, 31 December 2016
Thursday, 29 December 2016
Fades of lavender
"She wasn't bitter. She was sad, though. But it was a hopeful kind of sad, the kind of sad that just takes time."
This pops into my head whenever I think of a certain someone,
And it made me conscious of the fact that each and every one of us are trying to recover from something, that we are all lugging around a specific sack of bleeding guts, both latched and unpatched, both the rotting and the fresh, both the sewn and the open that flaps around in the wind.
Each of us has a little sandstorm billowing around on the inside,
And sometimes when we speak, a little of the dust blows itself outwards
In this little spiral that may or may not has gold glitter in it, depending on the cloudiness of the day and the clarity of the heart.
Such people,
Sad people,
Write beautifully.
They utilise metaphors like it actually depicts all that needs to be said but gets trapped inside,
And they mould tears into a restricted funnel that only allows for selected gems to go through.
They understand emotions.
They feel intensely, so much so that a part of them will always be out of shape,
Abstract and consistent in how it morphs between different dimensions and art styles.
Yet it's such a heavy burden to bear when you take them on,
When you smile at them with the best one you can muster
And you try to take their baggage along with yours,
All whilst running to catch up to the plane that never takes flight,
Only to remain on the endless runway, toddling ever, ever, ahead of you.
They bring so much, but they carry loads, too
And it's a give and take situation where their beauty bedazzles you,
But their shape shifting abilities and pots of rare stones scratch and cut you.
Hold onto the reins, you beg.
Crying whilst atop a flying open-air carriage makes your tears turn into streams of speech bubbles, each smaller than the last,
Till it turns into mere twinkles in the dust
And the moon shines,
Just as blue and green and white as that one first night.
This pops into my head whenever I think of a certain someone,
And it made me conscious of the fact that each and every one of us are trying to recover from something, that we are all lugging around a specific sack of bleeding guts, both latched and unpatched, both the rotting and the fresh, both the sewn and the open that flaps around in the wind.
Each of us has a little sandstorm billowing around on the inside,
And sometimes when we speak, a little of the dust blows itself outwards
In this little spiral that may or may not has gold glitter in it, depending on the cloudiness of the day and the clarity of the heart.
Such people,
Sad people,
Write beautifully.
They utilise metaphors like it actually depicts all that needs to be said but gets trapped inside,
And they mould tears into a restricted funnel that only allows for selected gems to go through.
They understand emotions.
They feel intensely, so much so that a part of them will always be out of shape,
Abstract and consistent in how it morphs between different dimensions and art styles.
Yet it's such a heavy burden to bear when you take them on,
When you smile at them with the best one you can muster
And you try to take their baggage along with yours,
All whilst running to catch up to the plane that never takes flight,
Only to remain on the endless runway, toddling ever, ever, ahead of you.
They bring so much, but they carry loads, too
And it's a give and take situation where their beauty bedazzles you,
But their shape shifting abilities and pots of rare stones scratch and cut you.
Hold onto the reins, you beg.
Crying whilst atop a flying open-air carriage makes your tears turn into streams of speech bubbles, each smaller than the last,
Till it turns into mere twinkles in the dust
And the moon shines,
Just as blue and green and white as that one first night.
Wednesday, 28 December 2016
Privileges
A shame, you seemed an honest man.
We all have obligatory things we ought to do,
Be it to be a good person to someone dear,
Or to do something that in your mind is right.
And if you're gonna do something, you jolly well do it to the best of your ability.
That's what I believe in anyway, cuz it's a simple logic: You're doing it regardless, so you might as well put your heart into it and make it count.
I'm not sure if I should say this.
Okay, let's not be specific then.
I've put this off because of a couple of reasons,
And mainly because it makes me uncomfortable.
But it's correct to do so, and it'll make so many people happy.
And no, it's not some noble sacrifice; Call it family duty if you will.
I should have done it long ago, and I shouldn't have taken the free will I'd been given as a privilege to be indulged upon. When my parents don't force me into things, (and they never do), it's because they're loving and nice people.
They believe in giving choice, they believe in respect and freedom,
And they believe in me.
But I'd used it as an excuse; a reason to be selfish about my needs.
Truth is, there are times where you will have to do things that you don't necessarily feel comfortable about doing, but you do it anyway because it's right.
I do care, and I do feel, but we aren't close and it really does make me uncomfortable.
And there is guilt, guilt in that I can have compassion for others and yet run away from someone familial like that- even if we aren't on intimate terms.
And, well,
You really shouldn't give in too much to the excuses in your mind- It's a little too self-centred.
So in the end I did do it, and I did try to be sensitive about her needs and be careful.
It really saddened me to see her like that, and it occurred to me that I really ought to have done this much, much, earlier.
Ugh, I'm not good enough at heart am I.
If I were, I wouldn't have had these kinds of thoughts in the first place.
Some things, you just gotta do.
Don't be so heartless, me.
We all have obligatory things we ought to do,
Be it to be a good person to someone dear,
Or to do something that in your mind is right.
And if you're gonna do something, you jolly well do it to the best of your ability.
That's what I believe in anyway, cuz it's a simple logic: You're doing it regardless, so you might as well put your heart into it and make it count.
I'm not sure if I should say this.
Okay, let's not be specific then.
I've put this off because of a couple of reasons,
And mainly because it makes me uncomfortable.
But it's correct to do so, and it'll make so many people happy.
And no, it's not some noble sacrifice; Call it family duty if you will.
I should have done it long ago, and I shouldn't have taken the free will I'd been given as a privilege to be indulged upon. When my parents don't force me into things, (and they never do), it's because they're loving and nice people.
They believe in giving choice, they believe in respect and freedom,
And they believe in me.
But I'd used it as an excuse; a reason to be selfish about my needs.
Truth is, there are times where you will have to do things that you don't necessarily feel comfortable about doing, but you do it anyway because it's right.
I do care, and I do feel, but we aren't close and it really does make me uncomfortable.
And there is guilt, guilt in that I can have compassion for others and yet run away from someone familial like that- even if we aren't on intimate terms.
And, well,
You really shouldn't give in too much to the excuses in your mind- It's a little too self-centred.
So in the end I did do it, and I did try to be sensitive about her needs and be careful.
It really saddened me to see her like that, and it occurred to me that I really ought to have done this much, much, earlier.
Ugh, I'm not good enough at heart am I.
If I were, I wouldn't have had these kinds of thoughts in the first place.
Some things, you just gotta do.
Don't be so heartless, me.
Tuesday, 27 December 2016
Hums of floral fabric
I had one of the nicest days.
There is so much to be shared,
But, well, I'm just really happy right now.
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=KkGVmN68ByU
.
I am honestly at a loss when people so lavishly sprinkle me with compliments,
Because I'm not used to that- Never have, probably never will be.
And perhaps this is all that 'lack of confidence' thing going on,
But I really would just describe it as one of those 'I don't know how to react' moments.
Because they're beautiful, too,
And I love a lot about them-
It's just that I'm not social enough to state it aloud like that, and on such a frequent basis.
Cuz it wasn't the flattery that you hate but genuine compliments, generously aimed at you from a hose that has its opening pinched shut, thereby making it gush forward in full force.
And you know what, everyone's having fun aiming the hose at pretty much everyone else,
We're on a freshly mowed lawn, daisies swinging in the wind, flowy white dresses dancing to the hum of the whimsical fairies.
It's all so.. bright, and sweet.
Thing is,
My personality makes people assume different sides of me to be the whole of me,
And while I'm with them the quieter one, the girly side, and the crazier one pops up,
And when we had that light-hearted Christmas gift-exchange party thing today
I got fake jewel-ish things, a wand, a two-dollar version of the Titanic necklace, and pink fluffy socks- Stuff that supposedly reminds them of me.
Words can't describe how absolutely happy that makes me feel;
Since I have always, always wanted for people to not judge me for being honest about my vain side, for wanting to doll up sometimes and look good, for the ones who told me I was burly and brusque for my less-than-'feminine'-voice and everything else about me.. to stop commenting on how being a typical girl doing typical girly things is wrong, and that it doesn't fit me.
If you're a long term reader you'd know about this,
And I didn't mean for it to be repeated this much,
But it really does make me oh so satisfied, and happy.
I am accepted and welcomed for the different dimensions in me,
Just like everyone else. These new people aren't like the bad ones I've had before;
They won't tell me what I am and therefore what I should always be,
They won't jeer at me for just trying to be myself.
Of course people's opinions don't matter that much,
But most of us are sensitive humans who don't necessarily need verbal affirmation;
We just need you to stop being rude and mean and judgy about things.
Especially so, if you're gonna mock us for every action we take
And bring in the entire group to reinforce that joke that really isn't all that funny.
Honestly, that is all I've wanted.
And today I realised that my little dream has come true,
All without me realising it.
It's crazy, but they go beyond acceptance;
They aren't afraid to show appreciation, love, and warmth
And that's what I love so much about them.
Me,
I'm a little awkward and a little bulky,
And I compliment less but it always comes from the heart.
Side note: This gift exchange is always a culmination of jokes, whereby every gift is supposed to embody the recipient, or make a joke out of him.
Passive aggression earns a floral knife, someone gets a yellow trash can with the phrase 'I got you your home', someone adorable gets window-wiper glasses, and so on.
One thing I didn't expect tho
was how much they'd liked my jokes of giving the guy who cares a lot about hair- a book on Justin Bieber when he had the Bieber-hair, alongside a free bedroom poster of the guy in all his hair glory
Or the one about giving the girl who helps out sex workers and always talks about the topic maturely- a collection of pictures on chickens named "Cocks" in bold print.
I probably killed all the humour by explaining that,
But hah.
There you go,
I'm not funny.
*whispers* I did get the MVP award for my gifts though. *cough* Please, include it in my resume.
.
There is so much to be shared,
But, well, I'm just really happy right now.
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=KkGVmN68ByU
.
I am honestly at a loss when people so lavishly sprinkle me with compliments,
Because I'm not used to that- Never have, probably never will be.
And perhaps this is all that 'lack of confidence' thing going on,
But I really would just describe it as one of those 'I don't know how to react' moments.
Because they're beautiful, too,
And I love a lot about them-
It's just that I'm not social enough to state it aloud like that, and on such a frequent basis.
Cuz it wasn't the flattery that you hate but genuine compliments, generously aimed at you from a hose that has its opening pinched shut, thereby making it gush forward in full force.
And you know what, everyone's having fun aiming the hose at pretty much everyone else,
We're on a freshly mowed lawn, daisies swinging in the wind, flowy white dresses dancing to the hum of the whimsical fairies.
It's all so.. bright, and sweet.
Thing is,
My personality makes people assume different sides of me to be the whole of me,
And while I'm with them the quieter one, the girly side, and the crazier one pops up,
And when we had that light-hearted Christmas gift-exchange party thing today
I got fake jewel-ish things, a wand, a two-dollar version of the Titanic necklace, and pink fluffy socks- Stuff that supposedly reminds them of me.
Words can't describe how absolutely happy that makes me feel;
Since I have always, always wanted for people to not judge me for being honest about my vain side, for wanting to doll up sometimes and look good, for the ones who told me I was burly and brusque for my less-than-'feminine'-voice and everything else about me.. to stop commenting on how being a typical girl doing typical girly things is wrong, and that it doesn't fit me.
If you're a long term reader you'd know about this,
And I didn't mean for it to be repeated this much,
But it really does make me oh so satisfied, and happy.
I am accepted and welcomed for the different dimensions in me,
Just like everyone else. These new people aren't like the bad ones I've had before;
They won't tell me what I am and therefore what I should always be,
They won't jeer at me for just trying to be myself.
Of course people's opinions don't matter that much,
But most of us are sensitive humans who don't necessarily need verbal affirmation;
We just need you to stop being rude and mean and judgy about things.
Especially so, if you're gonna mock us for every action we take
And bring in the entire group to reinforce that joke that really isn't all that funny.
Honestly, that is all I've wanted.
And today I realised that my little dream has come true,
All without me realising it.
It's crazy, but they go beyond acceptance;
They aren't afraid to show appreciation, love, and warmth
And that's what I love so much about them.
Me,
I'm a little awkward and a little bulky,
And I compliment less but it always comes from the heart.
Side note: This gift exchange is always a culmination of jokes, whereby every gift is supposed to embody the recipient, or make a joke out of him.
Passive aggression earns a floral knife, someone gets a yellow trash can with the phrase 'I got you your home', someone adorable gets window-wiper glasses, and so on.
One thing I didn't expect tho
was how much they'd liked my jokes of giving the guy who cares a lot about hair- a book on Justin Bieber when he had the Bieber-hair, alongside a free bedroom poster of the guy in all his hair glory
Or the one about giving the girl who helps out sex workers and always talks about the topic maturely- a collection of pictures on chickens named "Cocks" in bold print.
I probably killed all the humour by explaining that,
But hah.
There you go,
I'm not funny.
*whispers* I did get the MVP award for my gifts though. *cough* Please, include it in my resume.
.
Friday, 23 December 2016
Unshackled
You must have seen this coming.
Oh... well. Let's go.
I just love how Yuri on Ice ended the way it did.
First off, it was adorable how Yuri wanted Victor to stay as his coach for the rest of his life at first, and it was like a marriage proposal.
But even better than that was the fact that Yuri realised, all on his own, that asking that of Victor was a selfish thing to do- alike to when your spouse tells you to resign from your job for the sake of marriage, 'settling down', or out of 'love' for him/her.
It's basically wanting someone to give up on his passion and dreams in order to devote his life to you, and while this is cute and sweet and loving at first, eventually it'll kill you because your life and personality is robbed away from you, and you're left with nothing but the love that you have chosen to devote yourself to.
It is actually the fastest way to killing yourself,
And it's stated rather clearly by Yuri in this last episode: "But that'll kill Victor slowly on the inside, as a competitive skater. Your time spent with me as a coach wasn't wasted, and I'm the only one in the whole world that can prove that."
Aka, Yuri really appreciates and loves Victor for doing what he did, because that's what got him to where he is now. But he can't tie Victor down like this, for it isn't right nor is it good for him. Instead, true love is when you choose what's best for your partner- in this case, it's Yuri ensuring that Victor remains an independent individual with his own dreams and passion.
The best part about it is that Yuri doesn't retire either, and this is inspired and reinforced by both Victor and Yurio.
I've done a lot of summarizing up till here, which is bad for a commentary,
But damn I just wanted to spell out how absolutely surprising and beautiful this is,
That the relationship they have between them is so so much stronger than mere physical attraction,
Or gratitude, or chemistry, or a mere sharing of common interests.
It is so mature that it shocks you,
And it really does go beyond the traditional 'I love you and will do anything for you, including the sacrificing of my own life in every sense of the phrase.' trope that we're so used to seeing in shows, where it's romanticised into unconditional love..
When in truth it's basically offering your heart and soul up to be killed,
To reduce the perimeters of your world by your own accord,
And to make yourself boring and dependent on someone who gets to see the world whilst you play the supporting role.
A true relationship consists of both parties surpporting one another,
Just like how Yuri ensures that Victor doesn't abandon his dreams,
And Victor tells him to 'in exchange, become a five-year world champion at least'.
They'll become rivals in ice skating whilst their relationship reaches new heights of being able to deal with that, of choosing to retain their passions in life whilst pursuing each other as a romantic partner, all at the same time.
Frankly, this is one of the rare kinds of relationship that will work for sure,
Because neither of them will cause the other's downfall,
And it's because of the fact that they remain individuals unshackled by love,
That they continue to be what the other fell in love with at the start.
They will continue to fall for each other, over and over, repeatedly, till the end of time.
Ah, well,
That's the idealistic side of me speaking.
But they're fictional, so that's kinda what happens, wouldn't you agree?:)
Anyways the one thing I've always thought about when it comes to marriage is the fact that many of us would ask for the other to give up something for the sake of love,
And while marriage is a compromise,
It shouldn't be a sacrifice.
And women shouldn't give up their jobs to take care of potential kids,
Passionate people shouldn't give up on their dreams to be 'less busy',
Etc etc.
If you're too busy for love, you can't be making promises for commitment.
And if someone falls in love with the driven, independent and focused you,
They shouldn't want for you to turn into someone else just for the sake of them.
This hardly covers what I'm trying to say
But I think I'm getting boring here, so I'll stop.
Oh... well. Let's go.
I just love how Yuri on Ice ended the way it did.
First off, it was adorable how Yuri wanted Victor to stay as his coach for the rest of his life at first, and it was like a marriage proposal.
But even better than that was the fact that Yuri realised, all on his own, that asking that of Victor was a selfish thing to do- alike to when your spouse tells you to resign from your job for the sake of marriage, 'settling down', or out of 'love' for him/her.
It's basically wanting someone to give up on his passion and dreams in order to devote his life to you, and while this is cute and sweet and loving at first, eventually it'll kill you because your life and personality is robbed away from you, and you're left with nothing but the love that you have chosen to devote yourself to.
It is actually the fastest way to killing yourself,
And it's stated rather clearly by Yuri in this last episode: "But that'll kill Victor slowly on the inside, as a competitive skater. Your time spent with me as a coach wasn't wasted, and I'm the only one in the whole world that can prove that."
Aka, Yuri really appreciates and loves Victor for doing what he did, because that's what got him to where he is now. But he can't tie Victor down like this, for it isn't right nor is it good for him. Instead, true love is when you choose what's best for your partner- in this case, it's Yuri ensuring that Victor remains an independent individual with his own dreams and passion.
The best part about it is that Yuri doesn't retire either, and this is inspired and reinforced by both Victor and Yurio.
I've done a lot of summarizing up till here, which is bad for a commentary,
But damn I just wanted to spell out how absolutely surprising and beautiful this is,
That the relationship they have between them is so so much stronger than mere physical attraction,
Or gratitude, or chemistry, or a mere sharing of common interests.
It is so mature that it shocks you,
And it really does go beyond the traditional 'I love you and will do anything for you, including the sacrificing of my own life in every sense of the phrase.' trope that we're so used to seeing in shows, where it's romanticised into unconditional love..
When in truth it's basically offering your heart and soul up to be killed,
To reduce the perimeters of your world by your own accord,
And to make yourself boring and dependent on someone who gets to see the world whilst you play the supporting role.
A true relationship consists of both parties surpporting one another,
Just like how Yuri ensures that Victor doesn't abandon his dreams,
And Victor tells him to 'in exchange, become a five-year world champion at least'.
They'll become rivals in ice skating whilst their relationship reaches new heights of being able to deal with that, of choosing to retain their passions in life whilst pursuing each other as a romantic partner, all at the same time.
Frankly, this is one of the rare kinds of relationship that will work for sure,
Because neither of them will cause the other's downfall,
And it's because of the fact that they remain individuals unshackled by love,
That they continue to be what the other fell in love with at the start.
They will continue to fall for each other, over and over, repeatedly, till the end of time.
Ah, well,
That's the idealistic side of me speaking.
But they're fictional, so that's kinda what happens, wouldn't you agree?:)
Anyways the one thing I've always thought about when it comes to marriage is the fact that many of us would ask for the other to give up something for the sake of love,
And while marriage is a compromise,
It shouldn't be a sacrifice.
And women shouldn't give up their jobs to take care of potential kids,
Passionate people shouldn't give up on their dreams to be 'less busy',
Etc etc.
If you're too busy for love, you can't be making promises for commitment.
And if someone falls in love with the driven, independent and focused you,
They shouldn't want for you to turn into someone else just for the sake of them.
This hardly covers what I'm trying to say
But I think I'm getting boring here, so I'll stop.
Wednesday, 21 December 2016
Trivia.
I was out on one of those solitary trips
When I held up a shirt to myself and happened to glance at the shopkeeper.
She was looking, too,
But she had the dullest eyes I've ever seen
And I don't mean exhaustion.
It was different from the red-rimmed, strained ones that hurt people have,
It was not the ones that oozed withheld tears and secrets.
It was rather lifeless, beyond boredom, and almost emotionless;
A sharp contrast from when a certain switch was flipped on inside her
And she spoke with both animation and colourful vivacity.
It was almost like a mask; and
I don't know, but the image really stuck with me.
Does she not enjoy her job or her life?
.
I'm gonna go out again soon,
And it's probably gonna be alone like most of my trips because frankly speaking
That's when you have the most fun-
Being quiet, doing things at your own pace and all.
I really don't go out enough..
Cuz who knew that there were sales this time of year,
And that there would be so many humans up and about?
Christmas, or someday close-
We're gonna go take a stroll out in the lighted streets and cool, crisp air.
This festival has never meant much to me,
But I suppose I'm just in a holiday mood
That happens to meld together with the festive ones hanging all around me.
.
Some days your dreams are too rich,
Full of jokes that make you snigger in your sleep,
Full of certain fulfilments that only happens in a dream,
Full of silent libraries (for once) and nice, nice things.
Some days you sleep too much,
Because upon waking up a drowsiness and dizziness pushes you,
Forcefully, back onto the bed
And the alarm you've set goes ignored,
And you sleep,
too, too, much.
Part of being an early riser means that these kinds of things-
Waking up at 10:30 instead of 7,
Having lost the best part of a day-
Pisses you off about yourself.
But some days it's worth it,
Some days you see,
The sleep had felt so powerful in what it'd given.
.
I was feeling a little stressed yesterday,
And I thought, 'What better idea is there than to watch some light-hearted movie to cheer myself up'?
I'd ended up with Titanic, then The Aviator,
And I almost went on to The Imitation Game,
But thank god I didn't cuz that'd have been too much in one day.
Surprisingly, though,
It was a good-dreams night.
.
I've scrapped the lavender nails;
They're now black, with one white one on each hand for sth different,
And one rose-gold glitter one that you can't quite notice
until the light catches it to bounce off them sparkles.
One of the black nails has this midnight blue and white glitter layered onto it,
The left hand is different from the right, and
I'd show you a picture, but it's so much trouble. (Oh, the irony)
People find it odd,
But, well, I like it. 🤓
It feels cool.
One solid colour on all nails is kinda mainstream, after all.
(Though that'd probably look better)
When I held up a shirt to myself and happened to glance at the shopkeeper.
She was looking, too,
But she had the dullest eyes I've ever seen
And I don't mean exhaustion.
It was different from the red-rimmed, strained ones that hurt people have,
It was not the ones that oozed withheld tears and secrets.
It was rather lifeless, beyond boredom, and almost emotionless;
A sharp contrast from when a certain switch was flipped on inside her
And she spoke with both animation and colourful vivacity.
It was almost like a mask; and
I don't know, but the image really stuck with me.
Does she not enjoy her job or her life?
.
I'm gonna go out again soon,
And it's probably gonna be alone like most of my trips because frankly speaking
That's when you have the most fun-
Being quiet, doing things at your own pace and all.
I really don't go out enough..
Cuz who knew that there were sales this time of year,
And that there would be so many humans up and about?
Christmas, or someday close-
We're gonna go take a stroll out in the lighted streets and cool, crisp air.
This festival has never meant much to me,
But I suppose I'm just in a holiday mood
That happens to meld together with the festive ones hanging all around me.
.
Some days your dreams are too rich,
Full of jokes that make you snigger in your sleep,
Full of certain fulfilments that only happens in a dream,
Full of silent libraries (for once) and nice, nice things.
Some days you sleep too much,
Because upon waking up a drowsiness and dizziness pushes you,
Forcefully, back onto the bed
And the alarm you've set goes ignored,
And you sleep,
too, too, much.
Part of being an early riser means that these kinds of things-
Waking up at 10:30 instead of 7,
Having lost the best part of a day-
Pisses you off about yourself.
But some days it's worth it,
Some days you see,
The sleep had felt so powerful in what it'd given.
.
I was feeling a little stressed yesterday,
And I thought, 'What better idea is there than to watch some light-hearted movie to cheer myself up'?
I'd ended up with Titanic, then The Aviator,
And I almost went on to The Imitation Game,
But thank god I didn't cuz that'd have been too much in one day.
Surprisingly, though,
It was a good-dreams night.
.
I've scrapped the lavender nails;
They're now black, with one white one on each hand for sth different,
And one rose-gold glitter one that you can't quite notice
until the light catches it to bounce off them sparkles.
One of the black nails has this midnight blue and white glitter layered onto it,
The left hand is different from the right, and
I'd show you a picture, but it's so much trouble. (Oh, the irony)
People find it odd,
But, well, I like it. 🤓
It feels cool.
One solid colour on all nails is kinda mainstream, after all.
(Though that'd probably look better)
Sunday, 18 December 2016
http://www.vox.com/world/2016/12/16/13974780/aleppo-explained-4-minutes
This really breaks my heart.
This really breaks my heart.
Friday, 16 December 2016
I think, that we all do this; We fall for someone twirling amongst the skies.
I realise now,
But my first crush was waaaay out of my league.
You know that feeling you get when you're climbing a mountain and there's someone dangling up top, high-fiving his best friend?
Yeah, that's what it feels like.
Envy, a sort of inspiration, a sort of fear and a certain sense of deficiency.
He's not perfect of course,
But he is really, really, great
And I see now that the first time I'd felt my heart move for someone,
The first time I started tensing up around a guy like this,
The first time I hoped for someone to see me in a different light...
It had all been for someone who was from a different world,
Who deserves the beautiful and talented girlfriend he's got now,
Who will never, in a million years, be suited for me.
And no,
This isn't about confidence or self-love.
I do really like myself.
And part of it is because he's four years older,
But most of it is due to the fact that I really am not good enough for someone like that.
I think,
That this is purely self-awareness
And I'm not being overly critical of myself or anything like that, though I do do that sometimes.
Well,
Now we know.
It's kind of a daunting feeling to know that it'll take me forever to get there,
But I think I will.
I think,
That when I look in the mirror,
I don't want to be chasing a shadow, or a mould of what I hope to become;
I want to be that little something that is an enhanced, more improved version of myself.
And that,
Will be what I'll be looking towards from now on.
Side note,
....Huh, never knew that my expectations of a partner were that high.
It's not a beautiful face we're looking at here,
Or a super sweet guy,
Or even someone who's rich. (Though honestly, that aspect makes me queasy. It's his money, not mine, so why would it matter?)
Frankly, I don't really care about all that 'conditions' set in place for perfection.
In fact, his physique and voice (you know I'm all about the voice)
Hadn't been that attractive to me.
But he is hardworking, really lovable and sociable, and good at what he does.
Most importantly, he is a pot of passion without too much eccentricity,
And the emotions that he brews are of such a flavoursome combination
That I couldn't help but be attracted by that.
He's intense, and doesn't show it.
He reads people, and there is a certain haughtiness in that,
A certain lack of experience and a certain youthfulness that is present in all of us.
He's not that confident, but
he does that people thing so well.
So I liked him,
Uhh..
But he's too good.
Waaay too great.
And someone's asked me before,
'So because of that, you're gonna settle for someone from the bottom?
Someone like ______?'
Before,
I'd have answered yes.
But that was doubt speaking.
And because we accept the love we think we deserve,
I am not looking for a compromise,
But I don't want to be overly arrogant in thinking that I'm all that great either.
Is that still the doubt in me singing,
Or am I just being truthful?
.
It actually does sadden me to realise this
And I do feel somewhat inadequate.
But since I'm mostly into older guys,
Their experience, expanded worlds, knowledge and vast personalities
Will probably always make me feel like this.
Doesn't mean tho,
That if I do ever find someone who's just as great,
And who feels the same towards me;
I wouldn't go for it.
Of course I would, wouldn't you? ;)
But my first crush was waaaay out of my league.
You know that feeling you get when you're climbing a mountain and there's someone dangling up top, high-fiving his best friend?
Yeah, that's what it feels like.
Envy, a sort of inspiration, a sort of fear and a certain sense of deficiency.
He's not perfect of course,
But he is really, really, great
And I see now that the first time I'd felt my heart move for someone,
The first time I started tensing up around a guy like this,
The first time I hoped for someone to see me in a different light...
It had all been for someone who was from a different world,
Who deserves the beautiful and talented girlfriend he's got now,
Who will never, in a million years, be suited for me.
And no,
This isn't about confidence or self-love.
I do really like myself.
And part of it is because he's four years older,
But most of it is due to the fact that I really am not good enough for someone like that.
I think,
That this is purely self-awareness
And I'm not being overly critical of myself or anything like that, though I do do that sometimes.
Well,
Now we know.
It's kind of a daunting feeling to know that it'll take me forever to get there,
But I think I will.
I think,
That when I look in the mirror,
I don't want to be chasing a shadow, or a mould of what I hope to become;
I want to be that little something that is an enhanced, more improved version of myself.
And that,
Will be what I'll be looking towards from now on.
Side note,
....Huh, never knew that my expectations of a partner were that high.
It's not a beautiful face we're looking at here,
Or a super sweet guy,
Or even someone who's rich. (Though honestly, that aspect makes me queasy. It's his money, not mine, so why would it matter?)
Frankly, I don't really care about all that 'conditions' set in place for perfection.
In fact, his physique and voice (you know I'm all about the voice)
Hadn't been that attractive to me.
But he is hardworking, really lovable and sociable, and good at what he does.
Most importantly, he is a pot of passion without too much eccentricity,
And the emotions that he brews are of such a flavoursome combination
That I couldn't help but be attracted by that.
He's intense, and doesn't show it.
He reads people, and there is a certain haughtiness in that,
A certain lack of experience and a certain youthfulness that is present in all of us.
He's not that confident, but
he does that people thing so well.
So I liked him,
Uhh..
But he's too good.
Waaay too great.
And someone's asked me before,
'So because of that, you're gonna settle for someone from the bottom?
Someone like ______?'
Before,
I'd have answered yes.
But that was doubt speaking.
And because we accept the love we think we deserve,
I am not looking for a compromise,
But I don't want to be overly arrogant in thinking that I'm all that great either.
Is that still the doubt in me singing,
Or am I just being truthful?
.
It actually does sadden me to realise this
And I do feel somewhat inadequate.
But since I'm mostly into older guys,
Their experience, expanded worlds, knowledge and vast personalities
Will probably always make me feel like this.
Doesn't mean tho,
That if I do ever find someone who's just as great,
And who feels the same towards me;
I wouldn't go for it.
Of course I would, wouldn't you? ;)
Wednesday, 14 December 2016
December breeze
Still in love.
Strands of hair coiling this way and that around the sides of your face,
Hair up in a bun that couldn't be neat even if you tried
Nails a pale lavender, specs riding high, clouded and over-used geeky trendy
Days spent in the library, grueling hours of gawking at math
And the slow progress that ensues.
The little triumphs, the little pieces of satisfaction to be used for warmth and hope.
The Miniaturist in one hand, earphones in another,
You curl up in that little room of yours
The one with Christmas lights and dreamcatchers,
The one with all your collection of papers and notebooks.
You listen to the rain, you tap your fingers to the tune in your head.
Fingers outstretched, you ignore the runners that give you weird looks even though you aren't in their way
Quietly, you allow the flurries of air to gush hurriedly past your finger tips,
A bit like flustered squirrels and spontaneous bartenders,
A bit like blushing humans under a hot gaze.
When it gets a little colder,
You put on your grainy, mildly green sweatpants
And just dance around to your latest drug.
You try on clothes for the heck of it,
Not because you're preparing to go out
But because you're imagining the social life you don't have,
And you watch Sherlock and various shows.
You plan to watch How the Grinch Stole Christmas soon,
And you plan on watching hyped up Korean dramas and comment on them in that smartarse way of yours when you're all alone.
You've got a thing for socks, too. And mugs.
Frankly the only reason why you're calling them a 'collection' is so you can sound somewhat normal about the things you love, and justify the things you do.
Sent a picture of you wearing socks
Supposedly reminiscent of Anna from Frozen
With the line, 'Increasing my sex appeal'
Which garnered the response,
'Ooh take me now you sexy beast.'
'Thanks, I shall.'
Really,
In what way is life incomplete when you're now able to do this with friends you've recently just made? Not to mention, that she's one who shares an interest in anime as well.
.
All I have to say is that all of this is really ideal,
And that I am very happy with the way things are going,
In particular, the studying.
Because at seventeen turning on eighteen,
This is the one best thing you can do for yourself.
Strands of hair coiling this way and that around the sides of your face,
Hair up in a bun that couldn't be neat even if you tried
Nails a pale lavender, specs riding high, clouded and over-used geeky trendy
Days spent in the library, grueling hours of gawking at math
And the slow progress that ensues.
The little triumphs, the little pieces of satisfaction to be used for warmth and hope.
The Miniaturist in one hand, earphones in another,
You curl up in that little room of yours
The one with Christmas lights and dreamcatchers,
The one with all your collection of papers and notebooks.
You listen to the rain, you tap your fingers to the tune in your head.
Fingers outstretched, you ignore the runners that give you weird looks even though you aren't in their way
Quietly, you allow the flurries of air to gush hurriedly past your finger tips,
A bit like flustered squirrels and spontaneous bartenders,
A bit like blushing humans under a hot gaze.
When it gets a little colder,
You put on your grainy, mildly green sweatpants
And just dance around to your latest drug.
You try on clothes for the heck of it,
Not because you're preparing to go out
But because you're imagining the social life you don't have,
And you watch Sherlock and various shows.
You plan to watch How the Grinch Stole Christmas soon,
And you plan on watching hyped up Korean dramas and comment on them in that smartarse way of yours when you're all alone.
You've got a thing for socks, too. And mugs.
Frankly the only reason why you're calling them a 'collection' is so you can sound somewhat normal about the things you love, and justify the things you do.
Sent a picture of you wearing socks
Supposedly reminiscent of Anna from Frozen
With the line, 'Increasing my sex appeal'
Which garnered the response,
'Ooh take me now you sexy beast.'
'Thanks, I shall.'
Really,
In what way is life incomplete when you're now able to do this with friends you've recently just made? Not to mention, that she's one who shares an interest in anime as well.
.
All I have to say is that all of this is really ideal,
And that I am very happy with the way things are going,
In particular, the studying.
Because at seventeen turning on eighteen,
This is the one best thing you can do for yourself.
Monday, 12 December 2016
My heartbeat didn't accelerate like it does when I'm witnessing murders, or when I'm being chased. It just felt.. cold.
You guys know how it is with me and dreams-
And so, it shouldn't come as a shock that I have, once again, dreamt about death.
I suppose what really affected me was how real it all was,
How numb and cold I felt,
How in denial I was.
It was one of those long ones whereby you actually have time to think, to reflect,
And I distinctly remember trying to recall the exact last words to her.
What hit me the most was how mundane it all was;
There wasn't any dramatic argument, or door slamming, or tears shed and saliva spewed.
There wasn't any terrible things done, there wasn't any horrendous spouting.
Yet I was unable to grieve;
I was unable to utter a word
And there was slight regret at not having done anything special
Because in movies they're always saying things like 'How could I have said that to her?'
But what struck you as heart wrenching was how could I not have said anything special to her.
We don't really have the habit of kissing each other goodbye,
Or vocalizing love and thanks all that much,
And I try my best to thank her often, to smile and to say I love you,
Even if it does go against my reserved and awkward nature.
Cuz if not now, then when?
But in the dream,
It wasn't enough.
It never is.
And the suddenness of it hit me so hard,
I never did register the cause of her passing.
It just occurred to me, repeatedly,
That it could have been more than a mundane afternoon,
That it could have been something else.
The thought I had was that in life,
Death comes as sudden as in the movies,
But it's nowhere as dramatic.
Most of the time, the regrets are there even if you've lived your life trying not to have those.
Most of the time, you wish it to be a little more special- but the contradictory thing to that is that you already try to do so in real life, but it's not always and it's not every single day because you're reserved like that.
And it's always, always, regret. But more so than that was that empty and numb feeling
Like it hasn't really happened,
Like you can actually be clear headed about it, and think.
.
I awoke in the middle of the night, crying.
I hugged Mom in the morning after telling her about the dream.
And the thing was that
Even after waking up, I'd thought it real till quite some time had passed, rather forgivingly on the heart.
And so, it shouldn't come as a shock that I have, once again, dreamt about death.
I suppose what really affected me was how real it all was,
How numb and cold I felt,
How in denial I was.
It was one of those long ones whereby you actually have time to think, to reflect,
And I distinctly remember trying to recall the exact last words to her.
What hit me the most was how mundane it all was;
There wasn't any dramatic argument, or door slamming, or tears shed and saliva spewed.
There wasn't any terrible things done, there wasn't any horrendous spouting.
Yet I was unable to grieve;
I was unable to utter a word
And there was slight regret at not having done anything special
Because in movies they're always saying things like 'How could I have said that to her?'
But what struck you as heart wrenching was how could I not have said anything special to her.
We don't really have the habit of kissing each other goodbye,
Or vocalizing love and thanks all that much,
And I try my best to thank her often, to smile and to say I love you,
Even if it does go against my reserved and awkward nature.
Cuz if not now, then when?
But in the dream,
It wasn't enough.
It never is.
And the suddenness of it hit me so hard,
I never did register the cause of her passing.
It just occurred to me, repeatedly,
That it could have been more than a mundane afternoon,
That it could have been something else.
The thought I had was that in life,
Death comes as sudden as in the movies,
But it's nowhere as dramatic.
Most of the time, the regrets are there even if you've lived your life trying not to have those.
Most of the time, you wish it to be a little more special- but the contradictory thing to that is that you already try to do so in real life, but it's not always and it's not every single day because you're reserved like that.
And it's always, always, regret. But more so than that was that empty and numb feeling
Like it hasn't really happened,
Like you can actually be clear headed about it, and think.
.
I awoke in the middle of the night, crying.
I hugged Mom in the morning after telling her about the dream.
And the thing was that
Even after waking up, I'd thought it real till quite some time had passed, rather forgivingly on the heart.
Thursday, 8 December 2016
A little confused.
There is always a clear line between
someone who has a private and secretive core to his personality
And someone who purposefully withholds things from certain people.
It isn't that 'I didn't happen to ask' or anything;
You just chose to tell someone about it and deliberately left me out of the equation-
When circumstances state that by logic, I should have been informed as well.
Frankly, it's a disregard for people when you do this,
And it's all rather unnecessary and... Strange.
I honestly can't ever be sure about the reasons that drive them to do this-
Does it make you feel more mysterious, or do you enjoy the feat of keeping others in the dark, ever guessing at things when it comes to you?
It really isn't that I'm used to people opening up to me and telling me all sorts of things about themselves, and some sort of twisted pride from that causes me to find it irksome that you intentionally exclude me from necessary information about you.
It wasn't something private that you may not wish for others to know,
And it was something I should have been told,
Yet you'd told all others, others except for me.
It's weird, and for once that isn't meant in a good way
because it's like you're playing a game that only you know the cards to,
And you extract a kind of fun from it that I can see satisfies you
but which is kind of sickening,
the way you seem to feel somewhat.. superior from making others know less about you.
Frankly, it's all very deliberate and annoying,
And sometimes I read too much into things but this doesn't seem like one of them.
Cuz really, I have observed those who truly are private and closed up,
And they don't selectively impart necessary information about themselves,
To certain people and 'create' secrets- you know what I'm saying-
Information that in no way should be used in some manipulative way.
It's just strange to me, the way some people do that.
.
My head's hurting, so it's probably time to finally catch up on some sleep.
someone who has a private and secretive core to his personality
And someone who purposefully withholds things from certain people.
It isn't that 'I didn't happen to ask' or anything;
You just chose to tell someone about it and deliberately left me out of the equation-
When circumstances state that by logic, I should have been informed as well.
Frankly, it's a disregard for people when you do this,
And it's all rather unnecessary and... Strange.
I honestly can't ever be sure about the reasons that drive them to do this-
Does it make you feel more mysterious, or do you enjoy the feat of keeping others in the dark, ever guessing at things when it comes to you?
It really isn't that I'm used to people opening up to me and telling me all sorts of things about themselves, and some sort of twisted pride from that causes me to find it irksome that you intentionally exclude me from necessary information about you.
It wasn't something private that you may not wish for others to know,
And it was something I should have been told,
Yet you'd told all others, others except for me.
It's weird, and for once that isn't meant in a good way
because it's like you're playing a game that only you know the cards to,
And you extract a kind of fun from it that I can see satisfies you
but which is kind of sickening,
the way you seem to feel somewhat.. superior from making others know less about you.
Frankly, it's all very deliberate and annoying,
And sometimes I read too much into things but this doesn't seem like one of them.
Cuz really, I have observed those who truly are private and closed up,
And they don't selectively impart necessary information about themselves,
To certain people and 'create' secrets- you know what I'm saying-
Information that in no way should be used in some manipulative way.
It's just strange to me, the way some people do that.
.
My head's hurting, so it's probably time to finally catch up on some sleep.
Sunday, 4 December 2016
I may have written too much.
I did it again...
I went full-saiyan mode over some ramble with my mom,
And I say 'with', but it's really just me shooting my mouth off like a machine gun over something I'm pretty passionate about. My mind fuzzes up with all the things I'd like to say, and I forget for a moment that I usually get my respite from talking with Mr Bear, my roommate. Then there's Maven, you know. And Floppy.
But obviously it's more fun talking to humans,
And I say 'talk' but it's simply a one-sided sharing session.
Basically what happens is this: I get some thought or whatever, and I just.. talk, with twice my usual speed, stop only to take breaths, and get legit sweaty over it because we talk in weird places (like in front of the air fryer while it's heating up food, for instance.) Then, I get short of breath and stare at my mom expectantly like 'how was that'?... only to be greeted with the most engaged facial expression in the world.
It's kinda bad huh.
I haven't really done that with as many people outside of family yet,
Because I can't, and I shouldn't,
But when I do... They usually just get this blank look on their faces like my mom does and I just remain overexcited regardless because I really want to talk about it!
Well, thus far I can only really afford to be this spoilt in front of my parents,
So that's kinda good in a way.
Still.
I have always hoped for someone to be able to get hyped up over talking about book exhibitions in the US, or book clubs there, or plain movie/book/drama reviews that threaten (I mean actually do so) to spill out of my brain as verbal diarrhoea while I enjoy most of it.
Mr Bear takes the brunt of the damage,
But really I've always hoped for my parents to have common topics and interests when it comes to the conversations we share, or for them to have something they have verbal diarrhoea over, too...so that I can learn something new every day from them, or for them to have different things to say after a week, or a month, and either have no basis for it or just substantiate it with deeper thinking or reading.
They are constant in that way, and that's one thing I love about them
But it's just been something I have wanted for quite a while now,
And it's something I rarely find in the friends I make, too.
Well, it is how it is and it is what it is,
My parents and the maternal side are the most beautiful-hearted in the world,
And growing up like that makes you believe that of the actual world too
So it both makes you simple-minded in that optimistic manner, and overly naïve
And while that too has brought me loads of troubles,
It too has formed the basis of who I am.
And I am always grateful for that.
I went full-saiyan mode over some ramble with my mom,
And I say 'with', but it's really just me shooting my mouth off like a machine gun over something I'm pretty passionate about. My mind fuzzes up with all the things I'd like to say, and I forget for a moment that I usually get my respite from talking with Mr Bear, my roommate. Then there's Maven, you know. And Floppy.
But obviously it's more fun talking to humans,
And I say 'talk' but it's simply a one-sided sharing session.
Basically what happens is this: I get some thought or whatever, and I just.. talk, with twice my usual speed, stop only to take breaths, and get legit sweaty over it because we talk in weird places (like in front of the air fryer while it's heating up food, for instance.) Then, I get short of breath and stare at my mom expectantly like 'how was that'?... only to be greeted with the most engaged facial expression in the world.
It's kinda bad huh.
I haven't really done that with as many people outside of family yet,
Because I can't, and I shouldn't,
But when I do... They usually just get this blank look on their faces like my mom does and I just remain overexcited regardless because I really want to talk about it!
Well, thus far I can only really afford to be this spoilt in front of my parents,
So that's kinda good in a way.
Still.
I have always hoped for someone to be able to get hyped up over talking about book exhibitions in the US, or book clubs there, or plain movie/book/drama reviews that threaten (I mean actually do so) to spill out of my brain as verbal diarrhoea while I enjoy most of it.
Mr Bear takes the brunt of the damage,
But really I've always hoped for my parents to have common topics and interests when it comes to the conversations we share, or for them to have something they have verbal diarrhoea over, too...so that I can learn something new every day from them, or for them to have different things to say after a week, or a month, and either have no basis for it or just substantiate it with deeper thinking or reading.
They are constant in that way, and that's one thing I love about them
But it's just been something I have wanted for quite a while now,
And it's something I rarely find in the friends I make, too.
Well, it is how it is and it is what it is,
My parents and the maternal side are the most beautiful-hearted in the world,
And growing up like that makes you believe that of the actual world too
So it both makes you simple-minded in that optimistic manner, and overly naïve
And while that too has brought me loads of troubles,
It too has formed the basis of who I am.
And I am always grateful for that.
Saturday, 3 December 2016
So much to say!
One thing I really really wanna make clear is that Yuri on Ice is truly not just a typical yaoi anime, where the focus is on stereotypical characters and a sexual relationship. I mean, don't get me wrong, sex is a part of healthy relationships and all but honestly LGBT relationships have been fetishized in anime, sexualized to the point where the characters don't even resemble real life people anymore, and the progression of their relationships escalate quickly to involve sex without much emotional buildup, attachment, and depth.
The thing is that LGBT relationships shouldn't be demonized, but they shouldn't be converted into porn-like material in order for it to be palatable, either.
It should be the beautiful love stories that we see in typical romance-tagged movies and dramas, where they face relatable issues and seem like real, genuine people.
To quote, Yuri on ice depicts a pure kind of emotional and physical attraction for one another without feitshizing those emotions, and that is why it's so amazing and groundbreaking.
Actual LGBT people can relate to the characters who actually have individuality to them,
And it perhaps helps the unaware realise or the ones in denial comes to terms with their sexuality.
I have friends from this community, so I suppose it's safe for me to say that this really is helpful; that LGBT people are constantly trying to find representation in media, and that it is truly scant, fetishized, and all in all rather terrible in the messages that it delivers.
Yuri on ice has meaning in it, and the characters, the relationship, is developed.
That's why I love it.
And to clarify, this really isn't an anime made for fujoshi (fan girls who nose bleed over yaoi, which is gay relationships without real people with connection and individuality). Of course it too is appreciated by them, but it really isn't an anime that can be reduced to mere fanservice.
Rather, it is something everyone should watch,
Because it not only portrays those of the LGBT community as normal humans with emotions, interests, and emotional vulnerability, thereby shedding light on the community itself and raising awareness that way; it too helps those of the LGBT community find themselves in media, and make them happy because of it.
I know that loads of people have been telling you about this anime,
In these exact words: "It's not yaoi but a sports anime that happens to have a gay relationship in it", but it really is true and we can't just demote and devalue it to a mere sexual show aimed at making people have nosebleeds.
Rationally speaking, even without fangirling over this anime like a lot of people are
you can love it for the wonderful meaning of having this anime out there in the first place,
And it just wonderful, ain't it?
.
I need to stop making things sound better than they are;
And please, Yuri on ice is a revolutionary literary product and I mean it with all my heart.
The buffet, however, actually didn't provide that much of a range in food,
Which meant that there wasn't many choices for me to choose from.
Dessert is the most important, and there was literally only one- Brownies.
That's it!
The meat were fresh and all, but you have to admit- they don't taste as great as they should be. I have had better tasting ones, ones with deeper flavour and stuffs.
I didn't get to try the heavenly steaks that I see Youtubers have,
And actually the truth of it all is that I was rather disappointed by the food.
There were only four types of ice cream, and they were far from being impressive, only satisfactory. There wasn't even chocolate or vanilla, and the toppings were pretty sad.
The fries were disgusting, soggy and over-salted,
But the sushi was really good.
The experience though was amazing;
I loved that I had it with friends and we had fun cooking the meat.
Actual meat-wise however, I've had so much better. Other than its freshness and range, there really isn't anything that makes me want to return to it.
That said, though, I'm glad this was my first buffet experience.
Overpriced and overhyped or not,
It really is more about the experience
even though I spent days fantasizing about what the food would be like.
I won't ever be back, not in a million years,
but I sure as anything am happy I did this at least once.
.
I reaaaallly do need to stop saying things I don't really mean just for the sake of being nice about things.
Up here, at least, I shouldn't.
It's not lying,
But it's a lot of withheld thoughts on my part and a lot of quiet smiles.
Of course, I said nothing about what I thought of the food since my friends seemed so happy over it, and I was happy that they made me happy, too,
And that was the right thing to do cuz what are you doing going around being overly honest and vocal and therefore insensitive and rude, commenting on things that other people clearly enjoy, right?
But I shall at least be honest about the food up here.
.
Ah, but let me stress that I did enjoy it! The experience, that is.
.
Meanwhile, I shall search for buffets with actual good food,
And plan roti prata buffets or dessert buffets even if I'm gonna end up going all alone.
The thing is that LGBT relationships shouldn't be demonized, but they shouldn't be converted into porn-like material in order for it to be palatable, either.
It should be the beautiful love stories that we see in typical romance-tagged movies and dramas, where they face relatable issues and seem like real, genuine people.
To quote, Yuri on ice depicts a pure kind of emotional and physical attraction for one another without feitshizing those emotions, and that is why it's so amazing and groundbreaking.
Actual LGBT people can relate to the characters who actually have individuality to them,
And it perhaps helps the unaware realise or the ones in denial comes to terms with their sexuality.
I have friends from this community, so I suppose it's safe for me to say that this really is helpful; that LGBT people are constantly trying to find representation in media, and that it is truly scant, fetishized, and all in all rather terrible in the messages that it delivers.
Yuri on ice has meaning in it, and the characters, the relationship, is developed.
That's why I love it.
And to clarify, this really isn't an anime made for fujoshi (fan girls who nose bleed over yaoi, which is gay relationships without real people with connection and individuality). Of course it too is appreciated by them, but it really isn't an anime that can be reduced to mere fanservice.
Rather, it is something everyone should watch,
Because it not only portrays those of the LGBT community as normal humans with emotions, interests, and emotional vulnerability, thereby shedding light on the community itself and raising awareness that way; it too helps those of the LGBT community find themselves in media, and make them happy because of it.
I know that loads of people have been telling you about this anime,
In these exact words: "It's not yaoi but a sports anime that happens to have a gay relationship in it", but it really is true and we can't just demote and devalue it to a mere sexual show aimed at making people have nosebleeds.
Rationally speaking, even without fangirling over this anime like a lot of people are
you can love it for the wonderful meaning of having this anime out there in the first place,
And it just wonderful, ain't it?
.
I need to stop making things sound better than they are;
And please, Yuri on ice is a revolutionary literary product and I mean it with all my heart.
The buffet, however, actually didn't provide that much of a range in food,
Which meant that there wasn't many choices for me to choose from.
Dessert is the most important, and there was literally only one- Brownies.
That's it!
The meat were fresh and all, but you have to admit- they don't taste as great as they should be. I have had better tasting ones, ones with deeper flavour and stuffs.
I didn't get to try the heavenly steaks that I see Youtubers have,
And actually the truth of it all is that I was rather disappointed by the food.
There were only four types of ice cream, and they were far from being impressive, only satisfactory. There wasn't even chocolate or vanilla, and the toppings were pretty sad.
The fries were disgusting, soggy and over-salted,
But the sushi was really good.
The experience though was amazing;
I loved that I had it with friends and we had fun cooking the meat.
Actual meat-wise however, I've had so much better. Other than its freshness and range, there really isn't anything that makes me want to return to it.
That said, though, I'm glad this was my first buffet experience.
Overpriced and overhyped or not,
It really is more about the experience
even though I spent days fantasizing about what the food would be like.
I won't ever be back, not in a million years,
but I sure as anything am happy I did this at least once.
.
I reaaaallly do need to stop saying things I don't really mean just for the sake of being nice about things.
Up here, at least, I shouldn't.
It's not lying,
But it's a lot of withheld thoughts on my part and a lot of quiet smiles.
Of course, I said nothing about what I thought of the food since my friends seemed so happy over it, and I was happy that they made me happy, too,
And that was the right thing to do cuz what are you doing going around being overly honest and vocal and therefore insensitive and rude, commenting on things that other people clearly enjoy, right?
But I shall at least be honest about the food up here.
.
Ah, but let me stress that I did enjoy it! The experience, that is.
.
Meanwhile, I shall search for buffets with actual good food,
And plan roti prata buffets or dessert buffets even if I'm gonna end up going all alone.
Friday, 2 December 2016
A series of minute records.
One of my all-time favourites.
First buffet date out with friends,
And it's at Seoul garden-
Which means that you have a lot, a lot, a looooot of meat.
I am a pretty hardcore meat lover myself,
So this was a really amazing experience for me.
Thing is, since it was my first time and all,
I may or may not have gotten overexcited for it and eaten a lot.
By a lot, I mean that I continued eating even after I felt full.
And by continue eating, I mean I continued till I literally couldn't stay sitting,
And my tummy hurt from all of it.
I did do the two silliest things you can do at a buffet, after all.
Rice as a first course, and glasses of water at the very end.
Home, and Mom tells me that her first experience ended up in puke and loads of pain.
I came close to that, but it wasn't nearly as horrifying a story.
I'm sorry, but I just had to chuckle at that- I mean, how alike can we get?!
I'm her daughter for a reason huh 😂
Well well wellll.
Please don't think me lame and silly;
Thank you.
.
Oh, if only my fourteen/fifteen year-old self could see me now.
To think,
That my best dreams have come true-
That this is only a small part of that endearing fulfilment:
First buffet date with friends, chatting and laughing over how they look like they're murdering food when cooking the meat, first karaoke date (which didn't go too well but was nonetheless fun), play-watching with people who have discussions with you on it afterwards, who get hooked on songs from musicals like you do, who sing along with you during cca sessions, shop dates with girly humans who text you pictures of their outfits, and loads, loads, loads of other great things that I once could only wish for; things like merely studying with friends who work hard at things alongside you, who are willing to help you slightly with math when you absolutely need it.
I know I've harped on it waaay too much last year,
But I'm just so happy, so glad, and so satisfied that I am finally doing all the things teenagers do, and that I have choices- choices in the sense that I've got people who share my interests of anime, people who can talk about books and movies and drama, and people who can talk about issues of the world in general.
My world is still small,
But it's no longer tiny,
And I'm no longer clammed up from sadness.
.
I've been studying at the school library with friends this entire week,
And it's just been really nice cuz I stayed for some of the night study sessions
(You know how I feel about dark nights and the silence of studying in it.)
I'm at the halfway point of the hours that I'm supposed to clock
I am completing roughly a math chapter a day,
And while that's slow, and the first couple days were nothing short of infuriating,
I'm gradually starting to see improvement.
It's actually starting to not seem impossible
Like all hope isn't lost, like things can be brushed up on, you know that?
I'll redo those tutorials for as many times as it takes for my answers to be accurate and for my brain to quit freezing up in exam situations. Oh, and for my speed to improve- that's kinda the major problem right now.
Then, there is Bio and Chem,
But for now we'll focus everything on Bio and Math,
Math being my first priority.
I can't help but feel like this is the ideal JC life-
Buffet with friends, studying with friends,
interests and conversations, and the happy results that come with it.
It's gon' work, I just know it!
One step at a time, that's how.
.
Meanwhile, I shall hope for my math lecturer to not tire of my constant texting
Every single day.
(I can't help it, I'm desperate and my actual math tutor is the type to tell me to consult her when needed in that nice manner, but blue-ticks the questions I send her or tells me to look at solutions-
In which case, seeeeeriously.. if I'd understood from the solutions, would I be asking you?)
So yes, I am low-key in love with my math lecturer for being so hardworking and patient with me. He isn't even obliged to help me, after all.
(Just goes to show, that some teachers are on an entirely different level from the others huh)
.
I've just found out today,
But someone I stayed away from a long time ago
for the reason that her mom seeks me out as a personal messenger alike to a domestic pigeon, and a personal in-house counsellor, gets me to teach her daughter for academic things, flatters me in that way you know I dislike, and in my opinion takes a little advantage of my mom's kindness-
Has been really nice about mentioning me to her friends (and therefore one of mine).
I don't know, I feel really bad-
It's not her fault her mom pressures people and isn't particularly genuine.
She is great when on her own, and we did get along really well.
I suppose it just caught me off guard that someone would have a somewhat fond way of remembering me aloud to others, when I had chosen to leave her life like that, for the sole reason of my own well being.
I feel a little guilty,
but still I'd stayed away because it really stressed me out and was really exhausting.
(We did use to hang out almost daily, after all)
Thing is,
She isn't the only one.
There has been others like her,
Other friends whom I've had
who made me feel like I was there for a purpose,
Not a strong relationship, or happiness, or fun,
But tangible goals to be ticked off a checklist,
Legitimate benefits that I should be bringing them every time I visit.
And even if I was indeed appreciated for it,
It didn't feel very good.
If I hadn't taken what people said that seriously,
It might have ended up slightly better.
Really, was staying away for the sake of myself the right thing to do?
I can't help but feel bad,
Because it seems like such a selfish reason.
First buffet date out with friends,
And it's at Seoul garden-
Which means that you have a lot, a lot, a looooot of meat.
I am a pretty hardcore meat lover myself,
So this was a really amazing experience for me.
Thing is, since it was my first time and all,
I may or may not have gotten overexcited for it and eaten a lot.
By a lot, I mean that I continued eating even after I felt full.
And by continue eating, I mean I continued till I literally couldn't stay sitting,
And my tummy hurt from all of it.
I did do the two silliest things you can do at a buffet, after all.
Rice as a first course, and glasses of water at the very end.
Home, and Mom tells me that her first experience ended up in puke and loads of pain.
I came close to that, but it wasn't nearly as horrifying a story.
I'm sorry, but I just had to chuckle at that- I mean, how alike can we get?!
I'm her daughter for a reason huh 😂
Well well wellll.
Please don't think me lame and silly;
Thank you.
.
Oh, if only my fourteen/fifteen year-old self could see me now.
To think,
That my best dreams have come true-
That this is only a small part of that endearing fulfilment:
First buffet date with friends, chatting and laughing over how they look like they're murdering food when cooking the meat, first karaoke date (which didn't go too well but was nonetheless fun), play-watching with people who have discussions with you on it afterwards, who get hooked on songs from musicals like you do, who sing along with you during cca sessions, shop dates with girly humans who text you pictures of their outfits, and loads, loads, loads of other great things that I once could only wish for; things like merely studying with friends who work hard at things alongside you, who are willing to help you slightly with math when you absolutely need it.
I know I've harped on it waaay too much last year,
But I'm just so happy, so glad, and so satisfied that I am finally doing all the things teenagers do, and that I have choices- choices in the sense that I've got people who share my interests of anime, people who can talk about books and movies and drama, and people who can talk about issues of the world in general.
My world is still small,
But it's no longer tiny,
And I'm no longer clammed up from sadness.
.
I've been studying at the school library with friends this entire week,
And it's just been really nice cuz I stayed for some of the night study sessions
(You know how I feel about dark nights and the silence of studying in it.)
I'm at the halfway point of the hours that I'm supposed to clock
I am completing roughly a math chapter a day,
And while that's slow, and the first couple days were nothing short of infuriating,
I'm gradually starting to see improvement.
It's actually starting to not seem impossible
Like all hope isn't lost, like things can be brushed up on, you know that?
I'll redo those tutorials for as many times as it takes for my answers to be accurate and for my brain to quit freezing up in exam situations. Oh, and for my speed to improve- that's kinda the major problem right now.
Then, there is Bio and Chem,
But for now we'll focus everything on Bio and Math,
Math being my first priority.
I can't help but feel like this is the ideal JC life-
Buffet with friends, studying with friends,
interests and conversations, and the happy results that come with it.
It's gon' work, I just know it!
One step at a time, that's how.
.
Meanwhile, I shall hope for my math lecturer to not tire of my constant texting
Every single day.
(I can't help it, I'm desperate and my actual math tutor is the type to tell me to consult her when needed in that nice manner, but blue-ticks the questions I send her or tells me to look at solutions-
In which case, seeeeeriously.. if I'd understood from the solutions, would I be asking you?)
So yes, I am low-key in love with my math lecturer for being so hardworking and patient with me. He isn't even obliged to help me, after all.
(Just goes to show, that some teachers are on an entirely different level from the others huh)
.
I've just found out today,
But someone I stayed away from a long time ago
for the reason that her mom seeks me out as a personal messenger alike to a domestic pigeon, and a personal in-house counsellor, gets me to teach her daughter for academic things, flatters me in that way you know I dislike, and in my opinion takes a little advantage of my mom's kindness-
Has been really nice about mentioning me to her friends (and therefore one of mine).
I don't know, I feel really bad-
It's not her fault her mom pressures people and isn't particularly genuine.
She is great when on her own, and we did get along really well.
I suppose it just caught me off guard that someone would have a somewhat fond way of remembering me aloud to others, when I had chosen to leave her life like that, for the sole reason of my own well being.
I feel a little guilty,
but still I'd stayed away because it really stressed me out and was really exhausting.
(We did use to hang out almost daily, after all)
Thing is,
She isn't the only one.
There has been others like her,
Other friends whom I've had
who made me feel like I was there for a purpose,
Not a strong relationship, or happiness, or fun,
But tangible goals to be ticked off a checklist,
Legitimate benefits that I should be bringing them every time I visit.
And even if I was indeed appreciated for it,
It didn't feel very good.
If I hadn't taken what people said that seriously,
It might have ended up slightly better.
Really, was staying away for the sake of myself the right thing to do?
I can't help but feel bad,
Because it seems like such a selfish reason.
Monday, 28 November 2016
Time to studyyyyyy
I have cleaned up my closet.
*coughs*
Yeah, not like that took any effort or time at all.
Goodness me, what an achievement.
I suppose I'll pass for the annual clean-up of my room this time round,
Where I dig out every single thing in here, flip it upside down and rearrange stuffs.
In case you didn't know, my room used to be a storeroom.
It took a couple spring-cleans to get to this stage, but I'm happy with it
And so can afford to be less nitpicky about this- for now, at least.
Let's just leave the huge operation till after the A levels, shall we?
Side note: Half that time spent was really just trying on every single clothing item and sieving through the ones that are never worn, that should be given away/sold/thrown away because I tend to keep broken bags, shirts from decades ago, things that don't fit, and stuffs that I just keep for some reason.
Sentiment shouldn't be my way of life, seriously.
*coughs*
Yeah, not like that took any effort or time at all.
Goodness me, what an achievement.
I suppose I'll pass for the annual clean-up of my room this time round,
Where I dig out every single thing in here, flip it upside down and rearrange stuffs.
In case you didn't know, my room used to be a storeroom.
It took a couple spring-cleans to get to this stage, but I'm happy with it
And so can afford to be less nitpicky about this- for now, at least.
Let's just leave the huge operation till after the A levels, shall we?
Side note: Half that time spent was really just trying on every single clothing item and sieving through the ones that are never worn, that should be given away/sold/thrown away because I tend to keep broken bags, shirts from decades ago, things that don't fit, and stuffs that I just keep for some reason.
Sentiment shouldn't be my way of life, seriously.
Saturday, 26 November 2016
Loved it, actually.
Swiss Army Man
A man stranded on an island tries to commit suicide but gets interrupted by a corpse washed onto the shore. He befriends him, and so begins the surreal journey back home.
^Loosely quoting here, really.
Alllright, let's get this one going.
I've just finished it ten minutes ago, and my mind is fuzzing up with all those stuffs in the film.
And before you go on, lemme warn you, there are perhaps spoilers in this and I strongly recommend you watch it before reading this.
First off, Swiss Army Man is not a movie that you would want to watch if you like straightforward, traditional and logical things. It is whimsical, odd- very, very, odd- hilarious to say the least, exotic, daring, and all in all rather beautiful.
It doesn't provide actual closure, but it isn't open-ended and thought provoking like Life of Pi or other well-known movies that provide endings that are somewhat satisfactory in how it provokes thought.
Rather, it has crude jokes inserted that causes most viewers to detract from the main essence of the film. Those very same jokes however, are really moving and beautiful when it comes down to the meaning of things, and I do agree that this movie is ultimately about celebrating your own uniqueness- thereby making it one of the best films of this year.
Personally, I found it amazing how the corpse is used as a mere prop with flexibility to cater to every situation. When the protagonist requires emotional support, Manny becomes a friend.
When he needs a reason to propel him forward and something to fill up his mind so as to distract him from the messed up thoughts and emotions in him, Manny acquires the role of a young child alike to a new born, and the need to fulfil Manny's need for knowledge forces him to teach and therefore put his burdens aside for the moment.
When that succeeds, Manny 'ages' and becomes a friend, one who does things that are considered gross in others' eyes- obnoxious farting, and so on.
He talks about masturbation openly, both with the innocence and curiosity of a child and the simplicity of honesty. Likely, Manny speaks of Hank's darkest thoughts as well as everyone else's forbidden thoughts, and sheds light on them. By doing so, Hank projects his deepest darkest persona upon Manny and thus succeeds in avoiding responsibility of his own thoughts because it isn't him who is speaking, but Manny, and this helps him face his most hidden sides as an outsider of the entire situation would.
Simply put, he runs away and faces himself simultaneously through the mouthpiece that is Manny, the corpse with no definitive personality.
As the film goes on, hints dropped at Hank's past begins to be explored, and in the same way that masturbation is. To me, it is a metaphor for the taboo, and people's avoidance of talking about it. Whenever it gets too hard for Hank to face things, his and Manny's roles are swapped, and Manny becomes Hank whilst he plays the role of the supportive friend.
At first a simple humourous cross-dressing scene, it later progresses on to signify, in the bus scene where he role plays as the crush that never knew him--- how Hank is truly the master at bending reality to his will, and how he is capable of escaping into different personas in order to mould things to his ideal, or to face the reality that which was not ideal.
The fact that Hank has complete control here is constantly being parodied and subtly made fun of when he takes off his wig the moment Manny digs into his past in front of his crush, which he imaginarily role-plays. Interestingly enough, Hank both knows that all of it is in his head, and thinks of it as somewhat real.Once again, it starts off funny but quickly gets heavy while still retaining the beauty of it all.
However, he slowly comes to terms with things as the movie goes on, and it isn't exactly the remedy that most of us are accustomed to but a mere way of peeling his character open for the audience to see. As he approaches civilisation and therefore help, he settles down to a conversation in which he fantasizes about staying there forever- And very unsurprisingly, Manny agrees with him. Before this, Manny has been both a great companion and the voice of reason or friendship. He saves him in all senses, from perilous situations and his own grief at the depressing events of the life that he has led. Here however, he doesn't say what is politically correct, and doesn't remind Hank of the purpose he set out with (which is to escape the deserted island and get help). In a way, he plays the ideal partner that provides the emotional support in the form of words you most want to hear when you're lost and confused and all messed up inside. It's all very sad, but Manny could have been a mouthpiece here once again, parroting Hank's thoughts in the warm manner that Hank craves- friendship.
Hank seeks solace in Manny, be it through facing himself or running away from it or simply needing a place of fantasy to live out his desires for once.
I loved the film up to here,
But it went slightly downhill with the mixing in of reality and how harsh it all is.
What starts off as a theory of Hank possibly cooking up an imaginary friend in Manny from the holes in his heart or the desperate desire for insanity not to claim him when he's all alone in the forest quickly escalates into insanity, which is a fine line away.
One thing I didn't appreciate was how the media was brought in, and how that alone ridiculed him and therefore the beauty set on the table by Hank and Manny's fragile bond, however 'illogical'. Hank is made to go on camera, and other unnecessary elements are brought in. It felt like a beautiful star-lit picture being tainted with black mud, because the peaceful sanctuary that Hank found in Manny, the companionship, love, acceptance, strength to go on... All became exposed to reality and how it screams logic. The spotlight leaves that bond acquired thus far, and goes straight on to insanity.
The sacredness brought about by the abstract feeling from the film is eradicated,
And Hank's arrest, his crush's reaction to him is as of disgust and shock, all accentuates that.
Then Hank does what some of us would really like to do-
He remains rooted in his belief that Manny is truly alive and he tries to repair that shattered bond- shattered by the bringing in of outsiders- and tries to convince the masses of that.
Of course he fails, and this only further breaks down the delicate balance between insanity and fragile, upsetting imagination used for comfort and solace established from the beginning of the film.
The rest of it, to me, is merely Hank winning over reality yet again with his imagination,
And he either sets both himself and Manny free by letting Manny speed off into the ocean with his farts of cannon, or he simply manages to 'prove' to everyone that Manny was indeed alive. This is a rather feeble attempt at an open ending in my opinion, and I think of the second option as more plausible.
Thing is, Hank once again shatters under the pressure of having to face reality in the form of other people's reactions (and therefore confirmation) of his insanity, and he now whisks himself off (signified by Manny speeding into the ocean) into the land of his own mind and fantasies, this time taking other people's reactions into account because they help strongly in alleviating the grief and stress that he was that close to crumbling under.
All in all, Swiss Army Man is an uncommon movie bursting with creativity and originality. Due to its rarity, it is very easy to get caught on the web of the explicits, such as the plot device of farts and fart jokes, and fail to see past all that to realise just how great of a movie this is.
It is simply an innovation, one dark, slightly silly, slightly ridiculous, and slightly mad, but nonetheless underlined with interesting takeaways and beauty. Wrapped up in carefully constructed ambience and both crude humour and subtle parodies, the film utilises really good music that is used in time and in appropriation to the moments and dialogues, thereby highlighting all of that rather well.
Perhaps one fatal flaw is its failed attempt at something overly ambitious like meshing reality and fantasies together, and an open ending which doesn't sit quite right, particularly so if you include how they identified Hank as Manny and vice versa.
It attempts to complicate things, and while this swapping of identities may be a confirmation of my theories earlier, it just seems so... excessive.
There were moments which could have been more subtle, such as the 'I had a thought, which led to other thoughts...' , and there were moments which could have been much slower so that the audience can actually catch what the jam packed glimpses were about.
I really enjoyed this movie, but I wasn't a fan of the ending.
And to loosely quote again, it is rather amazing, but when you try to explain it, it all falls apart.. til you actually see it.
My review's pretty disorganized and all over the place, but I hope I've at least interested you in watching that movie if you haven't already. This is the first proper movie review that I've ever tried my hand at, after all.
Or perhaps
I should just stick to the extremely vocal comments that I've been doing for past posts, since this one right now exposes too much of my (lack of) literary talent.
And yes, the sexual innuendos in this might make you reconsider watching it with someone, particularly one who judges something he is unaccustomed to. The humour is just fantastic though.
And I think this just might be my new favourite movie.
A man stranded on an island tries to commit suicide but gets interrupted by a corpse washed onto the shore. He befriends him, and so begins the surreal journey back home.
^Loosely quoting here, really.
Alllright, let's get this one going.
I've just finished it ten minutes ago, and my mind is fuzzing up with all those stuffs in the film.
And before you go on, lemme warn you, there are perhaps spoilers in this and I strongly recommend you watch it before reading this.
First off, Swiss Army Man is not a movie that you would want to watch if you like straightforward, traditional and logical things. It is whimsical, odd- very, very, odd- hilarious to say the least, exotic, daring, and all in all rather beautiful.
It doesn't provide actual closure, but it isn't open-ended and thought provoking like Life of Pi or other well-known movies that provide endings that are somewhat satisfactory in how it provokes thought.
Rather, it has crude jokes inserted that causes most viewers to detract from the main essence of the film. Those very same jokes however, are really moving and beautiful when it comes down to the meaning of things, and I do agree that this movie is ultimately about celebrating your own uniqueness- thereby making it one of the best films of this year.
Personally, I found it amazing how the corpse is used as a mere prop with flexibility to cater to every situation. When the protagonist requires emotional support, Manny becomes a friend.
When he needs a reason to propel him forward and something to fill up his mind so as to distract him from the messed up thoughts and emotions in him, Manny acquires the role of a young child alike to a new born, and the need to fulfil Manny's need for knowledge forces him to teach and therefore put his burdens aside for the moment.
When that succeeds, Manny 'ages' and becomes a friend, one who does things that are considered gross in others' eyes- obnoxious farting, and so on.
He talks about masturbation openly, both with the innocence and curiosity of a child and the simplicity of honesty. Likely, Manny speaks of Hank's darkest thoughts as well as everyone else's forbidden thoughts, and sheds light on them. By doing so, Hank projects his deepest darkest persona upon Manny and thus succeeds in avoiding responsibility of his own thoughts because it isn't him who is speaking, but Manny, and this helps him face his most hidden sides as an outsider of the entire situation would.
Simply put, he runs away and faces himself simultaneously through the mouthpiece that is Manny, the corpse with no definitive personality.
As the film goes on, hints dropped at Hank's past begins to be explored, and in the same way that masturbation is. To me, it is a metaphor for the taboo, and people's avoidance of talking about it. Whenever it gets too hard for Hank to face things, his and Manny's roles are swapped, and Manny becomes Hank whilst he plays the role of the supportive friend.
At first a simple humourous cross-dressing scene, it later progresses on to signify, in the bus scene where he role plays as the crush that never knew him--- how Hank is truly the master at bending reality to his will, and how he is capable of escaping into different personas in order to mould things to his ideal, or to face the reality that which was not ideal.
The fact that Hank has complete control here is constantly being parodied and subtly made fun of when he takes off his wig the moment Manny digs into his past in front of his crush, which he imaginarily role-plays. Interestingly enough, Hank both knows that all of it is in his head, and thinks of it as somewhat real.Once again, it starts off funny but quickly gets heavy while still retaining the beauty of it all.
However, he slowly comes to terms with things as the movie goes on, and it isn't exactly the remedy that most of us are accustomed to but a mere way of peeling his character open for the audience to see. As he approaches civilisation and therefore help, he settles down to a conversation in which he fantasizes about staying there forever- And very unsurprisingly, Manny agrees with him. Before this, Manny has been both a great companion and the voice of reason or friendship. He saves him in all senses, from perilous situations and his own grief at the depressing events of the life that he has led. Here however, he doesn't say what is politically correct, and doesn't remind Hank of the purpose he set out with (which is to escape the deserted island and get help). In a way, he plays the ideal partner that provides the emotional support in the form of words you most want to hear when you're lost and confused and all messed up inside. It's all very sad, but Manny could have been a mouthpiece here once again, parroting Hank's thoughts in the warm manner that Hank craves- friendship.
Hank seeks solace in Manny, be it through facing himself or running away from it or simply needing a place of fantasy to live out his desires for once.
I loved the film up to here,
But it went slightly downhill with the mixing in of reality and how harsh it all is.
What starts off as a theory of Hank possibly cooking up an imaginary friend in Manny from the holes in his heart or the desperate desire for insanity not to claim him when he's all alone in the forest quickly escalates into insanity, which is a fine line away.
One thing I didn't appreciate was how the media was brought in, and how that alone ridiculed him and therefore the beauty set on the table by Hank and Manny's fragile bond, however 'illogical'. Hank is made to go on camera, and other unnecessary elements are brought in. It felt like a beautiful star-lit picture being tainted with black mud, because the peaceful sanctuary that Hank found in Manny, the companionship, love, acceptance, strength to go on... All became exposed to reality and how it screams logic. The spotlight leaves that bond acquired thus far, and goes straight on to insanity.
The sacredness brought about by the abstract feeling from the film is eradicated,
And Hank's arrest, his crush's reaction to him is as of disgust and shock, all accentuates that.
Then Hank does what some of us would really like to do-
He remains rooted in his belief that Manny is truly alive and he tries to repair that shattered bond- shattered by the bringing in of outsiders- and tries to convince the masses of that.
Of course he fails, and this only further breaks down the delicate balance between insanity and fragile, upsetting imagination used for comfort and solace established from the beginning of the film.
The rest of it, to me, is merely Hank winning over reality yet again with his imagination,
And he either sets both himself and Manny free by letting Manny speed off into the ocean with his farts of cannon, or he simply manages to 'prove' to everyone that Manny was indeed alive. This is a rather feeble attempt at an open ending in my opinion, and I think of the second option as more plausible.
Thing is, Hank once again shatters under the pressure of having to face reality in the form of other people's reactions (and therefore confirmation) of his insanity, and he now whisks himself off (signified by Manny speeding into the ocean) into the land of his own mind and fantasies, this time taking other people's reactions into account because they help strongly in alleviating the grief and stress that he was that close to crumbling under.
All in all, Swiss Army Man is an uncommon movie bursting with creativity and originality. Due to its rarity, it is very easy to get caught on the web of the explicits, such as the plot device of farts and fart jokes, and fail to see past all that to realise just how great of a movie this is.
It is simply an innovation, one dark, slightly silly, slightly ridiculous, and slightly mad, but nonetheless underlined with interesting takeaways and beauty. Wrapped up in carefully constructed ambience and both crude humour and subtle parodies, the film utilises really good music that is used in time and in appropriation to the moments and dialogues, thereby highlighting all of that rather well.
Perhaps one fatal flaw is its failed attempt at something overly ambitious like meshing reality and fantasies together, and an open ending which doesn't sit quite right, particularly so if you include how they identified Hank as Manny and vice versa.
It attempts to complicate things, and while this swapping of identities may be a confirmation of my theories earlier, it just seems so... excessive.
There were moments which could have been more subtle, such as the 'I had a thought, which led to other thoughts...' , and there were moments which could have been much slower so that the audience can actually catch what the jam packed glimpses were about.
I really enjoyed this movie, but I wasn't a fan of the ending.
And to loosely quote again, it is rather amazing, but when you try to explain it, it all falls apart.. til you actually see it.
My review's pretty disorganized and all over the place, but I hope I've at least interested you in watching that movie if you haven't already. This is the first proper movie review that I've ever tried my hand at, after all.
Or perhaps
I should just stick to the extremely vocal comments that I've been doing for past posts, since this one right now exposes too much of my (lack of) literary talent.
And yes, the sexual innuendos in this might make you reconsider watching it with someone, particularly one who judges something he is unaccustomed to. The humour is just fantastic though.
And I think this just might be my new favourite movie.
FWP reminds me of an emoji for some reason.
Some days the rain falls in that gentle way that looks like it's suspended in air, trapped in time, lost in the sheer amount present, and confused in that slanted angle by which it floats downwards.
It catches what little sunlight passes through it, sieves it through and gives off a mellow whiteness alike to shaved milk ice in a bowl of refreshing dessert.
When gathered together, it looks almost like sheets of carefully arranged glass tubules that run parellel to each other, determining the one and only route in which the rain can choose to fall in.
And the sweet, soft demeanour of it
As though it were frightened of making its presence known, as though it were afraid of hurting the gravel floor, as though it were terrified of the prospects of even causing a slight disturbance to the quiet of the car park whose circumference consists of blocks and blocks of cements and barred windows, and the peaceful high-rise buildings who in all their arrogance, only ever seem to be rooted in one spot, stagnated and one-dimensional.
Some days,
The rain looks like snow.
Well, not that I'd have any idea of what snow looks like in real life anyway.
.
Sweatpants define luxury;
The amount of comfort that it brings is unreal.
But then again,
It's not like I know what luxury feels like, soooo...
.
Now if you're interested in more first world issues like mine,
Trying to find high waisted shorts is pretty difficult here because for some reason, sizes run extremely small and it's always too short and tiny.
Not that I am extremely tall or round; and not that I mean it in a rude way- it's just that the people here tend to be rather petite and slender, and so manufacturers don't really factor me in I suppose. And as far as a healthy bmi goes, I have never been able to find stylish shorts that fit me.
The same goes for shoes, and even dresses if they're not from typical apparel shops that come from the US.
You can imagine the joy it brought me when I finally managed to get my very first pair of high waisted shorts yesterday, that actually looks half decent, is befitting of my age, n has everything I've been looking for when it comes to shorts.
So yes, I just wanted to share how happy that made me, up here.
Not that you're interested are you (hahaha...ha.)
.
As for shoes, though,
The struggle continues.
.
It catches what little sunlight passes through it, sieves it through and gives off a mellow whiteness alike to shaved milk ice in a bowl of refreshing dessert.
When gathered together, it looks almost like sheets of carefully arranged glass tubules that run parellel to each other, determining the one and only route in which the rain can choose to fall in.
And the sweet, soft demeanour of it
As though it were frightened of making its presence known, as though it were afraid of hurting the gravel floor, as though it were terrified of the prospects of even causing a slight disturbance to the quiet of the car park whose circumference consists of blocks and blocks of cements and barred windows, and the peaceful high-rise buildings who in all their arrogance, only ever seem to be rooted in one spot, stagnated and one-dimensional.
Some days,
The rain looks like snow.
Well, not that I'd have any idea of what snow looks like in real life anyway.
.
Sweatpants define luxury;
The amount of comfort that it brings is unreal.
But then again,
It's not like I know what luxury feels like, soooo...
.
Now if you're interested in more first world issues like mine,
Trying to find high waisted shorts is pretty difficult here because for some reason, sizes run extremely small and it's always too short and tiny.
Not that I am extremely tall or round; and not that I mean it in a rude way- it's just that the people here tend to be rather petite and slender, and so manufacturers don't really factor me in I suppose. And as far as a healthy bmi goes, I have never been able to find stylish shorts that fit me.
The same goes for shoes, and even dresses if they're not from typical apparel shops that come from the US.
You can imagine the joy it brought me when I finally managed to get my very first pair of high waisted shorts yesterday, that actually looks half decent, is befitting of my age, n has everything I've been looking for when it comes to shorts.
So yes, I just wanted to share how happy that made me, up here.
Not that you're interested are you (hahaha...ha.)
.
As for shoes, though,
The struggle continues.
.
Friday, 25 November 2016
That satisfaction 🤓
I'm just really happy right now because I've just done the annual looking through of my savings,
And, well, it probably wouldn't be much once I start working and all
But for a student, it's quite a lot- to me at least.
It's more than I've saved in the past, and having been moderate in spending like that really does make me somewhat proud of meself.
...Make a guess at what I'm gonna do with it,
Splur-
Naahh, I really meant to throw it all into the bank.
I'm kinda boring huh :p
Still, I could afford some shopping.
Black Friday would be awesome if it were a huge thing here as well.
Some converse look-alike sneakers would be rather nice,
Since brand doesn't matter whereas design does
Some plaid-ish shirt to feed my ever growing obsession would be great
And some egg tarts from KFC (apparently discontinued a few days ago 😨)
or biscuits from Popeyes would be absolutely beautimous.
And, well, it probably wouldn't be much once I start working and all
But for a student, it's quite a lot- to me at least.
It's more than I've saved in the past, and having been moderate in spending like that really does make me somewhat proud of meself.
...Make a guess at what I'm gonna do with it,
Splur-
Naahh, I really meant to throw it all into the bank.
I'm kinda boring huh :p
Still, I could afford some shopping.
Black Friday would be awesome if it were a huge thing here as well.
Some converse look-alike sneakers would be rather nice,
Since brand doesn't matter whereas design does
Some plaid-ish shirt to feed my ever growing obsession would be great
And some egg tarts from KFC (apparently discontinued a few days ago 😨)
or biscuits from Popeyes would be absolutely beautimous.
Thursday, 24 November 2016
Lethargic.
I've been having congee for a few days now because of my cramps and whatnot,
And it's just strange since my period is the type to skip or continue on and off for weeks (some of you'd know what I'm talking about), and I'm almost never free from bloating or a general discomfort.
Perhaps it's time to seek a doc, hm.
Anyways
throwing simple ingredients together really does help:
Rice, water, potatoes, marinated ground pork, a lil bit of stirring and time, and it tastes somewhat decent. I like mine all mashed up into starchy goodness, but most peeps I know don't, so it's up to you how you get it done. Or you could have canned beans (the.. Asian ones? It ain't the ones you have with fries) with the ground pork, or even one egg per bowl of congee if you feel like it. Just don't ever leave out a little garlic and ginger for a more warming effect and a better smell (?)
I don't really know, it just feels right, heh.
I'm no cook but at the very least when it counts I guess I can afford not to starve and/or poison myself, so that's useful in a way.
Welp
Simmering some apple or pear in water helps, too, for a mellow drink.
Oh and lemon water somehow doesn't cause as much bloating.
I suppose I'm just rambling on now,
But it's so uncomfortable and I'm just wondering when and how it'll all go away.
And it's just strange since my period is the type to skip or continue on and off for weeks (some of you'd know what I'm talking about), and I'm almost never free from bloating or a general discomfort.
Perhaps it's time to seek a doc, hm.
Anyways
throwing simple ingredients together really does help:
Rice, water, potatoes, marinated ground pork, a lil bit of stirring and time, and it tastes somewhat decent. I like mine all mashed up into starchy goodness, but most peeps I know don't, so it's up to you how you get it done. Or you could have canned beans (the.. Asian ones? It ain't the ones you have with fries) with the ground pork, or even one egg per bowl of congee if you feel like it. Just don't ever leave out a little garlic and ginger for a more warming effect and a better smell (?)
I don't really know, it just feels right, heh.
I'm no cook but at the very least when it counts I guess I can afford not to starve and/or poison myself, so that's useful in a way.
Welp
Simmering some apple or pear in water helps, too, for a mellow drink.
Oh and lemon water somehow doesn't cause as much bloating.
I suppose I'm just rambling on now,
But it's so uncomfortable and I'm just wondering when and how it'll all go away.
Tuesday, 22 November 2016
It goes on!
When there's a pink ribbon Velcro and a chopstick in your frizzy curls
And you're chilling with a mask on for the first time in a long while,
And you juuust so happen to go pantless and braless whilst alone at home
And someone knocks at the door-
Which, exactly, do you correct first?
.
Dreams are strange;
Full of people I know and repeated exams that are already over.
They are jam packed with cold sweat that rains upon me when I awaken,
As well as the erratic heartbeats that come with violent dreams, blood, and running.
I've blacked out for twelve hours again and I've begun revision,
I've finally watched Lord of the Rings and am finally embarking upon the journey of the Harry Potter series,
I've had my pizza and I've got my first buffet date out with friends booked n ready to go.
.
Life goes on and self-pity shouldn't ever be something you swim in,
forever.
Oh, yes. You have to watch this.. you just have to. At first I'd thought it fanservice, but no it wasn't and there is a legitimate gay relationship in a sports anime. Ain't that awesome? It isn't a shounen ai tag, it's real it's happening and it's a legit lgbtq relationship like any other relationship.
That's representation right there,
That's something right there.
Aaaand it's so adorable, too.
.
You know,
I'm glad for the emotions in me.
They sometimes make me feel too much,
But that's the thing;
They make you feel.
They make you, you.
And so I shall always remain,
in that mesh of confusion between fear of loneliness
and a certain detachment from people,
A certain sort of anger at the protests in Taiwan against gay marriage,
And the acceptance that my parents will always remain traditional and closed to it,
A certainty that I'll die alone- not because I can't be loved, but for the way that I am,
And the desire for something like that even if any romantic encounters thus far haven't been right, not in the slightest.
.
I think,
Even with all that's happening in our lives and in our separate worlds,
Love will always triumph
that it will always, always, heal, bring strength, and harbor purpose,
That meaning will always,
Lie within it
Like the desperation of a vampire with thirst-
It is everlasting
And powerful.
(Alright now that was quite the terrible comparison there wasn't it)
And you're chilling with a mask on for the first time in a long while,
And you juuust so happen to go pantless and braless whilst alone at home
And someone knocks at the door-
Which, exactly, do you correct first?
.
Dreams are strange;
Full of people I know and repeated exams that are already over.
They are jam packed with cold sweat that rains upon me when I awaken,
As well as the erratic heartbeats that come with violent dreams, blood, and running.
I've blacked out for twelve hours again and I've begun revision,
I've finally watched Lord of the Rings and am finally embarking upon the journey of the Harry Potter series,
I've had my pizza and I've got my first buffet date out with friends booked n ready to go.
.
Life goes on and self-pity shouldn't ever be something you swim in,
forever.
Oh, yes. You have to watch this.. you just have to. At first I'd thought it fanservice, but no it wasn't and there is a legitimate gay relationship in a sports anime. Ain't that awesome? It isn't a shounen ai tag, it's real it's happening and it's a legit lgbtq relationship like any other relationship.
That's representation right there,
That's something right there.
Aaaand it's so adorable, too.
.
You know,
I'm glad for the emotions in me.
They sometimes make me feel too much,
But that's the thing;
They make you feel.
They make you, you.
And so I shall always remain,
in that mesh of confusion between fear of loneliness
and a certain detachment from people,
A certain sort of anger at the protests in Taiwan against gay marriage,
And the acceptance that my parents will always remain traditional and closed to it,
A certainty that I'll die alone- not because I can't be loved, but for the way that I am,
And the desire for something like that even if any romantic encounters thus far haven't been right, not in the slightest.
.
I think,
Even with all that's happening in our lives and in our separate worlds,
Love will always triumph
that it will always, always, heal, bring strength, and harbor purpose,
That meaning will always,
Lie within it
Like the desperation of a vampire with thirst-
It is everlasting
And powerful.
(Alright now that was quite the terrible comparison there wasn't it)
Sunday, 13 November 2016
Indulgence
It's probably bad how much I'm crying these days.
I mean, don't get me wrong, I'm still me but
There's a lot of anxiety and negativity in me that isn't usually there,
And I really really want pizza- have looked forward to the promise of it for months now, but that promise has gone unfulfilled time and time again, only to be renewed once every few days.
.
You know what,
I'm just gonna order it in myself-
Even if the only reason why I haven't still
is because it would be stretching the buck further if it were a one-for-one deal that I can't possibly finish alone
..and for the simple reason that food tastes better shared.
Thing is, the way I handle money makes it really difficult for me to make a decision like that- to spend twenty bucks on something I can't clear.
But, well, no one in this family cares about pizza enough.
They don't get that the ooey goodness is what life's all about.
I'm the middle child
But I may as well be that overexcited kid in the family that no one emphathiseswith.
God, the thought of that piping hot dish makes me feel almost desperate.
That will definitely make things better,
Because in this one month I have lost a little weight,
And I know it's first world problems or whatever,
But three kilos in one month is kinda scary if you think about it-
I haven't dieted once in my life and my skipped meals are finally having an impact...
(Seriously, what the hell am I doing to myself)
I've been really sad these days, and I don't want that.
This is when we need a little magic in our lives, ya know?
Magic in the form of pizza, and cheese.
I shouldn't harp on it anymore,
But the little things are really getting to me
I'm a bit of a mess
And I'm hoping that pizza changes all that because when I had to face those things at school the thought of 'at least there's pizza tonight' (or should have been according to sweet promises- yeah, my family has that habit) has honestly acted as my sole source of fuel.
Then it was disappointment almost every night
(told you, I'm not exactly grown up when it comes to this)
I am
this close to ordering pizza at midnight cuz I just wanna get rid of this feeling,
But Mom would probably set fire to it, or to me.
I mean, don't get me wrong, I'm still me but
There's a lot of anxiety and negativity in me that isn't usually there,
And I really really want pizza- have looked forward to the promise of it for months now, but that promise has gone unfulfilled time and time again, only to be renewed once every few days.
.
You know what,
I'm just gonna order it in myself-
Even if the only reason why I haven't still
is because it would be stretching the buck further if it were a one-for-one deal that I can't possibly finish alone
..and for the simple reason that food tastes better shared.
Thing is, the way I handle money makes it really difficult for me to make a decision like that- to spend twenty bucks on something I can't clear.
But, well, no one in this family cares about pizza enough.
They don't get that the ooey goodness is what life's all about.
I'm the middle child
But I may as well be that overexcited kid in the family that no one emphathiseswith.
God, the thought of that piping hot dish makes me feel almost desperate.
That will definitely make things better,
Because in this one month I have lost a little weight,
And I know it's first world problems or whatever,
But three kilos in one month is kinda scary if you think about it-
I haven't dieted once in my life and my skipped meals are finally having an impact...
(Seriously, what the hell am I doing to myself)
I've been really sad these days, and I don't want that.
This is when we need a little magic in our lives, ya know?
Magic in the form of pizza, and cheese.
I shouldn't harp on it anymore,
But the little things are really getting to me
I'm a bit of a mess
And I'm hoping that pizza changes all that because when I had to face those things at school the thought of 'at least there's pizza tonight' (or should have been according to sweet promises- yeah, my family has that habit) has honestly acted as my sole source of fuel.
Then it was disappointment almost every night
(told you, I'm not exactly grown up when it comes to this)
I am
this close to ordering pizza at midnight cuz I just wanna get rid of this feeling,
But Mom would probably set fire to it, or to me.
Saturday, 12 November 2016
7 things.
1) The rain.
I can't describe the amount of happiness that it brings me,
But dancing under it or being sheltered from it is such a joyous occasion that the pattering on the windows acts as such a melody radiating from your heart strings... That you simply can't not feel like it's washing away all your sadness and anger.
It is uplifting and sweet, and that's the best part.
'Dear god, it hurts'
2) Food.
I have no appetite and the cramps ain't helping,
But hey, a little chocolate ice cream never fails.
"A tired girl starts her day
3) Hot showers.
Or cold showers. Water on the body; It just feels soooo good.
4) Positivity on social media.
As rare as that is,
It'd seem as though with every upsetting thing that's happened there'll always be an inspirational and caring hashtag that is invented, or a gesture like the safety pin atop your clothes. It is always enlightening and beautiful, that is.
5) Beverages.
The number of times that a steaming cup of Milo has brought me energy, literally, when I've skipped lunch and dinner after taking in so much shit from people, is uncountable.
It just fills up that vast, spacious emptiness so quickly, that you can't help but feel that a little of your lethargy has silently melted off your shoulders and back.
6) People.
The good ones are why we still function so wholesomely.
7) Anime. Books. Movies.
It cheers you up so.
I can't describe the amount of happiness that it brings me,
But dancing under it or being sheltered from it is such a joyous occasion that the pattering on the windows acts as such a melody radiating from your heart strings... That you simply can't not feel like it's washing away all your sadness and anger.
It is uplifting and sweet, and that's the best part.
'Dear god, it hurts'
2) Food.
I have no appetite and the cramps ain't helping,
But hey, a little chocolate ice cream never fails.
"A tired girl starts her day
With a sigh like the moan of a violin
A cherry bursts in her mouth
This was before we had met
This is the first time I’ve ever felt like,
I could see that your pretty eyes were filled with contempt
I could see that your pretty eyes were filled with contempt
But I had to go home
Even at the bus stop, you gave me the cold shoulder
The fireworks in the sky pulse
In a silhouette of love
With a little magic
Two sets of lying lips
Lock together
You see
God...
I’d like to be a naughty girl,
I’m tired of being good,
So, please
It’s for a good reason,
So let me be bad for once,
By flipping my skirt,
I’ll be back soon,
It looks like Saturday is going to be sunny,
God, it has already started."
Or cold showers. Water on the body; It just feels soooo good.
4) Positivity on social media.
As rare as that is,
It'd seem as though with every upsetting thing that's happened there'll always be an inspirational and caring hashtag that is invented, or a gesture like the safety pin atop your clothes. It is always enlightening and beautiful, that is.
5) Beverages.
The number of times that a steaming cup of Milo has brought me energy, literally, when I've skipped lunch and dinner after taking in so much shit from people, is uncountable.
It just fills up that vast, spacious emptiness so quickly, that you can't help but feel that a little of your lethargy has silently melted off your shoulders and back.
6) People.
The good ones are why we still function so wholesomely.
7) Anime. Books. Movies.
It cheers you up so.
Friday, 11 November 2016
Do you need a hug?
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=hsd74vBLE-k
I do need a hug.
I think all of us do,
I think that life has just been kind of terrible lately.
It's true that you gotta accept things and make the best out of it,
But uh I suppose stuffs haven't been the best,
So we just gotta try to smile despite it all.
Listen.
.
Maybe if I didn't censor myself so much up here,
I wouldn't still be holding on to so much anger.
That fiend said that I was 'arrogant' while speaking to the bish,
And that I should 'correct my attitude' or else it is completely right that the bish intentionally skipped me the explanation of her idea.
So it was my fault that someone targets me like that,
Someone who skips over my slides during a group rehearsal
So much so that I have to blandly tell them to return to those slides before I can rehearse.
It was my fault that she'd use her worst handwriting and worst pen in writing my name on the divider, and it is only for me that she painstakingly goes out of her way to ensure that I have to do extra things, things that will make whatever should be normal, be normal. I have to be extra careful in checking that she's not done shit like switching from a nice pen to a bad one, for the specific purpose of bringing me trouble. I have to be cautious and check things ten times over, resolve it myself, and it's because someone like that is trying to screw things over for me. I had to blandly ask for a permanent marker and rewrite my name, rub it off or whatever,
And the things that she does doesn't just end there.
It goes beyond, above and beyond interrupting my every conversation, being extremely rude, beyond what a proper 'group leader' should do.
I know that it is trivial,
But she does this at every opportunity that she gets,
And it is so freaking annoying.
Imagine someone, throwing money at you- literally
When they're supposed to pay you for something you bought for the project.
Someone talking behind your back to most people,
Someone who acts like a victim after all that,
Someone who doesn't do shit work,
Someone who intentionally pauses to interrupt your next sentence,
And it's with a sweet tone.
Of course I have to say something for myself-
Was that.. wrong?
Are you seriously telling me that I should submit myself to her the way you, fiend, have done because you're a coward who exploits the ones who're nice to you
...And that that is 'humble', and not 'arrogant'?
Oh, I hope you burn.
Sincerely.
.
The thing is that I really don't want to rant up here like this,
I know it's bad and I know it's terrible for the readers, too.
Still, this may as well be my only outlet
And I'd cuss,
But I'm too busy censoring myself
So this detail will have to do.
For goodness' sake, I really do hope they burn.
Karma needs to exist; People need to be treated the way they treat others.
But that's not how the world works!
All of us have our lives to lead,
The thing is that bitches like that usually lead great lives..
And that's the worst part.
Hypocrites get love and bitchiness gets rewarded.
I know that the world isn't.. just.. This
But it just angers me so much that they can be so flipping horrendous on the inside and yet still get what they want despite it, and for, it.
I've been trying to stay positive for so long,
I just want to be unfiltered for once,
I just want a good night's sleep for once.
I do need a hug.
I think all of us do,
I think that life has just been kind of terrible lately.
It's true that you gotta accept things and make the best out of it,
But uh I suppose stuffs haven't been the best,
So we just gotta try to smile despite it all.
Listen.
.
Maybe if I didn't censor myself so much up here,
I wouldn't still be holding on to so much anger.
That fiend said that I was 'arrogant' while speaking to the bish,
And that I should 'correct my attitude' or else it is completely right that the bish intentionally skipped me the explanation of her idea.
So it was my fault that someone targets me like that,
Someone who skips over my slides during a group rehearsal
So much so that I have to blandly tell them to return to those slides before I can rehearse.
It was my fault that she'd use her worst handwriting and worst pen in writing my name on the divider, and it is only for me that she painstakingly goes out of her way to ensure that I have to do extra things, things that will make whatever should be normal, be normal. I have to be extra careful in checking that she's not done shit like switching from a nice pen to a bad one, for the specific purpose of bringing me trouble. I have to be cautious and check things ten times over, resolve it myself, and it's because someone like that is trying to screw things over for me. I had to blandly ask for a permanent marker and rewrite my name, rub it off or whatever,
And the things that she does doesn't just end there.
It goes beyond, above and beyond interrupting my every conversation, being extremely rude, beyond what a proper 'group leader' should do.
I know that it is trivial,
But she does this at every opportunity that she gets,
And it is so freaking annoying.
Imagine someone, throwing money at you- literally
When they're supposed to pay you for something you bought for the project.
Someone talking behind your back to most people,
Someone who acts like a victim after all that,
Someone who doesn't do shit work,
Someone who intentionally pauses to interrupt your next sentence,
And it's with a sweet tone.
Of course I have to say something for myself-
Was that.. wrong?
Are you seriously telling me that I should submit myself to her the way you, fiend, have done because you're a coward who exploits the ones who're nice to you
...And that that is 'humble', and not 'arrogant'?
Oh, I hope you burn.
Sincerely.
.
The thing is that I really don't want to rant up here like this,
I know it's bad and I know it's terrible for the readers, too.
Still, this may as well be my only outlet
And I'd cuss,
But I'm too busy censoring myself
So this detail will have to do.
For goodness' sake, I really do hope they burn.
Karma needs to exist; People need to be treated the way they treat others.
But that's not how the world works!
All of us have our lives to lead,
The thing is that bitches like that usually lead great lives..
And that's the worst part.
Hypocrites get love and bitchiness gets rewarded.
I know that the world isn't.. just.. This
But it just angers me so much that they can be so flipping horrendous on the inside and yet still get what they want despite it, and for, it.
I've been trying to stay positive for so long,
I just want to be unfiltered for once,
I just want a good night's sleep for once.
Wednesday, 9 November 2016
The world is in shock.
Nuff' said, huh.
It'll be a tough future for America, with a president like that.
I was watching it live via Facebook, so it's been a tense day with a finale that's left many of my friends speechless.
Just imagine what happens to the groups of people that he discriminates against.
What kind of a message does this send out,
That a powerful country like that has a representative that's gotten support for spouting nonsense and attacking all kinds of people?
There's so many things wrong here, that I have no idea where to start.
It's simply frightening to think that such an election has taken place in our generation,
When our graduation means a possible scholarship to the US under his term,
Or a simple hope of expanding things overseas before we return here.
That aside, though,
This is truly a historical event that's left many of us reeling from shock.
Articles explaining their analysis of Trump's triumph and Clinton's loss will be popping up soon, so that'll be interesting.
There's a lot more to say, but for now I suppose we're all just staring in disbelief at something so unbelievable, and are having trouble with coming to terms with it.
I hope you are okay,
I hope you aren't on the verge of tearing your hair out.
(So just ignore what comes after this)
.
Sigh.
Conversely, my troubles are so insignificant and yet still hurtful.
This world is full of shitty people, ain't it?
Right after my previous post my past-friend had messaged me to ask to work on a future project together.. can you believe that?
I was gonna let it go; I was gonna let her go without spitting it to her face.
But she had the audacity to act so.. pure, and kind, and sweet, that I couldn't help telling her all that I wanted to say to her.
I was aggressive enough for once and I stood up for myself. But she had no remorse, she was ugly and she was absolutely terrifyingly disgusting.
We argued, but she acted like a saint and pretended not to understand when I told her not to victimise herself, or that she was just doing whatever was most convenient for her whilst using fake apologies as her tool. I told her that she took advantage of the fact that I wouldn't treat her the way I treated the douche or the bish.
But she said a lot of terrible things back, and, well, obviously it gets to me.
Sometimes... it doesn't matter if you are good at expressing yourself or standing up for yourself. Sometimes, the ugliness of someone else's heart is way more powerful,
And they will not feel sorry for it,
Nor will they give a shit about you.
And, well,
It hurts.
It hurts like a paper cut-
Painful
Without shattering the core of your being.
She did tell me that I was self centred and so on,
And I told her that 'All of us are, but the key thing is how you deal with it. You dealt with it in the ugliest way possible, and you aren't even repenting or reflecting. You're just like the douche, because you point out trivialities for the reason that you can't even provide a sound argument for yourself. And you're worse than the bitch, because you do all these horrendous things and yet you're self-righteous about it.'
But it didn't matter,
Because she went round and round in her circular argument again,
And didn't even once admit that she'd done something bad.
That even though I would have given in either way,
She'd stepped on me, a friend, with a complete lack of humanity.
She did start off her message with 'I forgot what I said to you that day', after all.
It makes a fool out of people, huh. Cuz it didn't affect her in the least bit,
And I am not just convenient, but easy and dumb and soft and useful for her survival.
.
Maybe it was her ugliness,
Maybe it was the paper-cut-feeling it gave me,
But my hopes at sleeping well that night were shattered
And along with it, a tiny piece of me.
I finished two drafts of the reflection the next morning,
But it was consecutive sobs and fitful sleep before that
And I suppose I've been a little haggard lately
Because I wouldn't eat again, and almost threw up afterward when I forced it down.
... I'm alright now though.
People like that aren't worthy of affecting you,
But they get to you regardless.
And since I've been through worse,
It doesn't lead to a disappointment in people in general.
Rather, it's just a temporary cut to the heart-
One that I just need to get over.
This is alright... I just needed to cry.
I did, after all, resolve all those issues on my own.
The project was on the homeless in Singapore (yes it's something I feel strongly for),
the idea on housing here,
And I'd read every single scheme offered by HDB, did my own research,
Wrote my own script, rehearsed it all by myself,
figured out how to do slides & animations (you know how it is with me and technology)
And befriended the other two members so that my situation would improve.
I spoke up for myself against the two of them ugly souls, too.
And I did, after all, learn something.
But I still feel pretty terrible,
And for now I'll just direct that towards other, more important things.
That fiend isn't worth it, after all.
It'll be a tough future for America, with a president like that.
I was watching it live via Facebook, so it's been a tense day with a finale that's left many of my friends speechless.
Just imagine what happens to the groups of people that he discriminates against.
What kind of a message does this send out,
That a powerful country like that has a representative that's gotten support for spouting nonsense and attacking all kinds of people?
There's so many things wrong here, that I have no idea where to start.
It's simply frightening to think that such an election has taken place in our generation,
When our graduation means a possible scholarship to the US under his term,
Or a simple hope of expanding things overseas before we return here.
That aside, though,
This is truly a historical event that's left many of us reeling from shock.
Articles explaining their analysis of Trump's triumph and Clinton's loss will be popping up soon, so that'll be interesting.
There's a lot more to say, but for now I suppose we're all just staring in disbelief at something so unbelievable, and are having trouble with coming to terms with it.
I hope you are okay,
I hope you aren't on the verge of tearing your hair out.
(So just ignore what comes after this)
.
Sigh.
Conversely, my troubles are so insignificant and yet still hurtful.
This world is full of shitty people, ain't it?
Right after my previous post my past-friend had messaged me to ask to work on a future project together.. can you believe that?
I was gonna let it go; I was gonna let her go without spitting it to her face.
But she had the audacity to act so.. pure, and kind, and sweet, that I couldn't help telling her all that I wanted to say to her.
I was aggressive enough for once and I stood up for myself. But she had no remorse, she was ugly and she was absolutely terrifyingly disgusting.
We argued, but she acted like a saint and pretended not to understand when I told her not to victimise herself, or that she was just doing whatever was most convenient for her whilst using fake apologies as her tool. I told her that she took advantage of the fact that I wouldn't treat her the way I treated the douche or the bish.
But she said a lot of terrible things back, and, well, obviously it gets to me.
Sometimes... it doesn't matter if you are good at expressing yourself or standing up for yourself. Sometimes, the ugliness of someone else's heart is way more powerful,
And they will not feel sorry for it,
Nor will they give a shit about you.
And, well,
It hurts.
It hurts like a paper cut-
Painful
Without shattering the core of your being.
She did tell me that I was self centred and so on,
And I told her that 'All of us are, but the key thing is how you deal with it. You dealt with it in the ugliest way possible, and you aren't even repenting or reflecting. You're just like the douche, because you point out trivialities for the reason that you can't even provide a sound argument for yourself. And you're worse than the bitch, because you do all these horrendous things and yet you're self-righteous about it.'
But it didn't matter,
Because she went round and round in her circular argument again,
And didn't even once admit that she'd done something bad.
That even though I would have given in either way,
She'd stepped on me, a friend, with a complete lack of humanity.
She did start off her message with 'I forgot what I said to you that day', after all.
It makes a fool out of people, huh. Cuz it didn't affect her in the least bit,
And I am not just convenient, but easy and dumb and soft and useful for her survival.
.
Maybe it was her ugliness,
Maybe it was the paper-cut-feeling it gave me,
But my hopes at sleeping well that night were shattered
And along with it, a tiny piece of me.
I finished two drafts of the reflection the next morning,
But it was consecutive sobs and fitful sleep before that
And I suppose I've been a little haggard lately
Because I wouldn't eat again, and almost threw up afterward when I forced it down.
... I'm alright now though.
People like that aren't worthy of affecting you,
But they get to you regardless.
And since I've been through worse,
It doesn't lead to a disappointment in people in general.
Rather, it's just a temporary cut to the heart-
One that I just need to get over.
This is alright... I just needed to cry.
I did, after all, resolve all those issues on my own.
The project was on the homeless in Singapore (yes it's something I feel strongly for),
the idea on housing here,
And I'd read every single scheme offered by HDB, did my own research,
Wrote my own script, rehearsed it all by myself,
figured out how to do slides & animations (you know how it is with me and technology)
And befriended the other two members so that my situation would improve.
I spoke up for myself against the two of them ugly souls, too.
And I did, after all, learn something.
But I still feel pretty terrible,
And for now I'll just direct that towards other, more important things.
That fiend isn't worth it, after all.
Monday, 7 November 2016
...And stop letting it get to you, you soft, mushy thing!
You with the sad eyes,
"Don't be discouraged, oh I realize
It's hard to take courage
In a world full of people,
You can lose sight of it all
The darkness inside you
Can make you feel so small.
Show me a smile then,
Don't be unhappy
Can't remember when
I last saw you laughing
This world makes you crazy,
And you've
Taken all you can bear."
.
I've never looked so neat in my life-
My hair hasn't been in a tidier ponytail
And I haven't worn white socks for a year, now.
I ended up forgetting lunch again today
Til the friendly cleaner who smiles a lot asked me if I had eaten,
And at this point it's just typical, and not very smart of me,
And I'm just wondering why my brain hasn't shrunken from all that non-existent nutrients.
Anyways
*deeeep breath*
It's over,
PW is oveerrrr!!
All this shit I've had to take..
All that shit that could have built a dung castle if you stacked it all up together.
It could have been much worse, but it was still pretty bad.
Ah, well, as planned I've already done up three drafts of the graded reflection anyway,
So chuck in one or two more and we're ready to wrap this all up on Friday, the submission date
Pretty great, huh? 😎
I am reaaalllyy exhausted though.. These past few months really hasn't been easy on us- any of us.
Still, revision begins for realz tomorrow- aka. Voting day in the US. I don't think this is a platform for sharing my thoughts on that, but I'm kiiiinda holding my breath for it.
Neither of them are good enough, but it's obvious who shouldn't be elected and who can only be judged according to their actions after election. Either way, I hope the system of only having two candidates changes soon.
I just can't believe that Trump has even made it this far. Still, Clinton ain't that great either, and I am sick of those posts shoving propaganda down our throats- be it feeding incomplete information, blowing things out of proportion, or simply convincing us that one is better than the other.
Trump deals low blows and Clinton doesn't deal them back- but we don't need to have it harped on; sometimes it's just a tactic and it's obvious that by not fighting back she has already won.
(And I'll briefly mention that even the teachers here sometimes inevitably push their opinions onto us, but that's the thing: People are always gonna force what they think upon you no matter the tone; It's normal and you just have to filter it through your own mind. Still, media is the one thing that shouldn't become a mouth piece, but it has and it will continue to be.
Anyway, that's just me and what I think-
You don't have to agree.
.
Now back to my mundane life,
I've been wondering about this
And I didn't really want to confirm it or anything,
But I just have this feeling, y'know?
It's just an instinct churned out by my guts,
And I honestly am not trying to brag.
But, well...
I've been wondering if the bish is actually.. jealous of me.
And this is perhaps the first time that something like that has escalated like this,
Because I've had this one talented actress before, giving me death stares after a performance, and her avoidance of me after my rehearsals improved. (She's transferred now, though, thank god for that)
I don't really know, but that's as far as it has ever gotten,
And I've never felt like anyone would ever be jealous of me, you know that?
I mean, it's me.
I have my strengths and my weaknesses and I like myself.. a lot - I've changed and tweaked huge parts of me just to get to where I am now, and I will continue to do so for as long as possible.
Why else do you think I reflect so much?
Uhh, I am constantly stuck between 'I like me' and 'hey, it's just little me',
And I suppose what I'm really trying to say, is that
I find it shocking that someone would get jealous of me,
And even though it's just a gut feeling,
Something tells me that it's exactly why the bish really dislikes me,
Why,
when I fell out with my only friend of two years
and I managed to befriend the other two group mates
despite her saying things about me to them,
She glares at me and tries to interrupt my conversations with them..
Why,
When I'm done with my presentation and get compliments for it,
She falls into an even deeper, sour mood, as if it wasn't terrible enough before.
Ah, but like I said, it's just a feeling-
Bish is with my past-friend and, well,
I hope they're happy with the way things are
Because I'm still hurt and I think I will be for a little while more,
But I most definitely won't turn back and let any of them step on me.
And if she thinks that by snatching the idea and my friend away,
She'll be happy, then so be it.
I'm left with much better things now;
I am socialising more and I am improving myself.
I try to soften the way I deliver opinions, I really do.
I try my best to ask questions about how people feel about things,
And when I comment on things I make it a point to be polite.
I am being honest when I say this,
Because I really just want to do things right
And if I've done everything I could,
And you're still doing these things,
Then the problem lies with you and not with me
And I can stop wasting my life pondering over it.
So, bitch,
You be you,
And I'll be me.
Today marks the last day of your bitchiness,
And I sincerely hope to God (even though I don't really pray)
That you stop, just, stop... targeting me.
I guess what I wanna say is that jealousy doesn't flatter you,
It just makes you wonder if you're doing something wrong,
And if you aren't, just how sad and pathetic the entire cause is.
Cuz, after all,
If you don't feel good enough,
Isn't improving yourself and being happy right there and then
The smartest thing to do?
.
I watched Trolls today, but for now I suppose I'll shower and sleep and get my energy back before I spam you with more words. 🤗
"Don't be discouraged, oh I realize
It's hard to take courage
In a world full of people,
You can lose sight of it all
The darkness inside you
Can make you feel so small.
Show me a smile then,
Don't be unhappy
Can't remember when
I last saw you laughing
This world makes you crazy,
And you've
Taken all you can bear."
.
I've never looked so neat in my life-
My hair hasn't been in a tidier ponytail
And I haven't worn white socks for a year, now.
I ended up forgetting lunch again today
Til the friendly cleaner who smiles a lot asked me if I had eaten,
And at this point it's just typical, and not very smart of me,
And I'm just wondering why my brain hasn't shrunken from all that non-existent nutrients.
Anyways
*deeeep breath*
It's over,
PW is oveerrrr!!
All this shit I've had to take..
All that shit that could have built a dung castle if you stacked it all up together.
It could have been much worse, but it was still pretty bad.
Ah, well, as planned I've already done up three drafts of the graded reflection anyway,
So chuck in one or two more and we're ready to wrap this all up on Friday, the submission date
Pretty great, huh? 😎
I am reaaalllyy exhausted though.. These past few months really hasn't been easy on us- any of us.
Still, revision begins for realz tomorrow- aka. Voting day in the US. I don't think this is a platform for sharing my thoughts on that, but I'm kiiiinda holding my breath for it.
Neither of them are good enough, but it's obvious who shouldn't be elected and who can only be judged according to their actions after election. Either way, I hope the system of only having two candidates changes soon.
I just can't believe that Trump has even made it this far. Still, Clinton ain't that great either, and I am sick of those posts shoving propaganda down our throats- be it feeding incomplete information, blowing things out of proportion, or simply convincing us that one is better than the other.
Trump deals low blows and Clinton doesn't deal them back- but we don't need to have it harped on; sometimes it's just a tactic and it's obvious that by not fighting back she has already won.
(And I'll briefly mention that even the teachers here sometimes inevitably push their opinions onto us, but that's the thing: People are always gonna force what they think upon you no matter the tone; It's normal and you just have to filter it through your own mind. Still, media is the one thing that shouldn't become a mouth piece, but it has and it will continue to be.
Anyway, that's just me and what I think-
You don't have to agree.
.
Now back to my mundane life,
I've been wondering about this
And I didn't really want to confirm it or anything,
But I just have this feeling, y'know?
It's just an instinct churned out by my guts,
And I honestly am not trying to brag.
But, well...
I've been wondering if the bish is actually.. jealous of me.
And this is perhaps the first time that something like that has escalated like this,
Because I've had this one talented actress before, giving me death stares after a performance, and her avoidance of me after my rehearsals improved. (She's transferred now, though, thank god for that)
I don't really know, but that's as far as it has ever gotten,
And I've never felt like anyone would ever be jealous of me, you know that?
I mean, it's me.
I have my strengths and my weaknesses and I like myself.. a lot - I've changed and tweaked huge parts of me just to get to where I am now, and I will continue to do so for as long as possible.
Why else do you think I reflect so much?
Uhh, I am constantly stuck between 'I like me' and 'hey, it's just little me',
And I suppose what I'm really trying to say, is that
I find it shocking that someone would get jealous of me,
And even though it's just a gut feeling,
Something tells me that it's exactly why the bish really dislikes me,
Why,
when I fell out with my only friend of two years
and I managed to befriend the other two group mates
despite her saying things about me to them,
She glares at me and tries to interrupt my conversations with them..
Why,
When I'm done with my presentation and get compliments for it,
She falls into an even deeper, sour mood, as if it wasn't terrible enough before.
Ah, but like I said, it's just a feeling-
Bish is with my past-friend and, well,
I hope they're happy with the way things are
Because I'm still hurt and I think I will be for a little while more,
But I most definitely won't turn back and let any of them step on me.
And if she thinks that by snatching the idea and my friend away,
She'll be happy, then so be it.
I'm left with much better things now;
I am socialising more and I am improving myself.
I try to soften the way I deliver opinions, I really do.
I try my best to ask questions about how people feel about things,
And when I comment on things I make it a point to be polite.
I am being honest when I say this,
Because I really just want to do things right
And if I've done everything I could,
And you're still doing these things,
Then the problem lies with you and not with me
And I can stop wasting my life pondering over it.
So, bitch,
You be you,
And I'll be me.
Today marks the last day of your bitchiness,
And I sincerely hope to God (even though I don't really pray)
That you stop, just, stop... targeting me.
I guess what I wanna say is that jealousy doesn't flatter you,
It just makes you wonder if you're doing something wrong,
And if you aren't, just how sad and pathetic the entire cause is.
Cuz, after all,
If you don't feel good enough,
Isn't improving yourself and being happy right there and then
The smartest thing to do?
.
I watched Trolls today, but for now I suppose I'll shower and sleep and get my energy back before I spam you with more words. 🤗
Saturday, 5 November 2016
Passing thoughts
It's strange,
How we are able to use our strongest spikes against
The bad and the terrible people
Yet we can't do the same thing to someone who
Once was close to us.
We can only ignore,
We can only say whatever needs to be said in a quiet manner,
When all we want to do is cry, or walk away.
We aren't as confident,
we don't pack as much power into our words and
We don't try to get a rise out of them
Or to get them to not be able to say anything back.
I suppose sadness gets in the way,
I suppose that when it comes to something like that,
We are all pretty soft people on the inside.
It all comes down to this:
you just can't use that usual mockery or contentious sentences against someone who once was important.
It's...strange,
The way that works.
If you ever are able to do it,
You'da been amazing;
Because I can't
And I sometimes wish I could.
How we are able to use our strongest spikes against
The bad and the terrible people
Yet we can't do the same thing to someone who
Once was close to us.
We can only ignore,
We can only say whatever needs to be said in a quiet manner,
When all we want to do is cry, or walk away.
We aren't as confident,
we don't pack as much power into our words and
We don't try to get a rise out of them
Or to get them to not be able to say anything back.
I suppose sadness gets in the way,
I suppose that when it comes to something like that,
We are all pretty soft people on the inside.
It all comes down to this:
you just can't use that usual mockery or contentious sentences against someone who once was important.
It's...strange,
The way that works.
If you ever are able to do it,
You'da been amazing;
Because I can't
And I sometimes wish I could.
Thursday, 3 November 2016
Trying my best to let things come and go by letting it out and letting it go. This is better than suppression or denial, no?
Friends that turn out to be fiends are why relationships end.
Yeah, well, I had to try that out at least once, however overused. :p
I suppose I should mention that she has been trying to become friends again, but it's with the manner that ignores everything wrong from the past we share, and the look that makes it seem like you're doing something bad to her.
It's okay, it doesn't matter anymore
Friends come and go; I need to learn this.
Surprisingly, I can make friends-
I just have to have that actual desire enough.
.
I shouted at the douche of the class today; I told him to think for others, and to quit disturbing us with his constant door slamming.
I suppose the details will only bore you, but yes- he wasn't capable of saying anything logical except for repeated 'what's your problem's and 'shut-up's in Hokkien, one of the dialects here.
Then I'd responded to one of those shut-ups with 'You can't say anything back/argue, that's why you ask for others to shut up!' and yeah he couldn't say anything back.
I then rounded it all off with 'do you have a brain?!' to which I was greeted with silence,
And we stared at each other for a couple of seconds before he finally backed off.
Aka.
“你说不过别人，所以你才叫人家安静
你有脑吗你！”
Loosely translating it here kinda makes it lose the tone I used, though.
One thing I wanna say,
Is that if you ever catch me using Mandarin like this,
Chances are you have pissed the hell out of me.
Like all other humans, that subconscious switch to your mother language is the clearest marker to losing control,
And I've only just realized now
but somehow I'm not the type to cuss when angered.
Not aloud, anyway.
Is that a good or bad thing?
Ugh, and I haven't shouted at anyone for six years now..
Even when the bish-of-the-group did all that I didn't ever shout,
Which makes it kind of dumb for someone worthless like that to get a rise out of me..
But still. There has always been a limiter to the amount of douchness that he exihibits on a daily basis- door slamming once or twice a day has become the norm, playing unwanted, loud music using the class projector is selfish but it is possible to block it out using earphones and concentration, and loads of other things like commenting on girls' underwear aloud or asking dumb questions for attention and not knowledge.
Thing is, I've simply ignored his existence for the entire year, and we didn't ever go head to head like this.
Today, however, it was five or six door slams over the course of, what, two minutes?
After playing music from the beginning of the day, too.
Hello sweetie, do you think you're creating music or something with that tempo and rhythm there?
Are you working out with that new found exercise of yours?
Initially I'd lowered my voice as with all agitated moments,
And it was 'Can you stop that? People are in here, you come in here, you slam the door, you disturb us. Terrify us, even.'
But logic is not to be used against someone like that,
And that was why I questioned his ownership of a brain because
Clearly, it's empty in there.
Oh, dear, I told you the details anyway.
But he insulted my mom. 'Terrify? Terrify your moooothher.' in that stereotypical manner that was more than enough for me to snap. I had gone 'wow', smiled, and told him that he had 'class' and for him to 'continue'- all in Mandarin.
And of course he couldn't say anything back except for the two phrases as aforementioned.
I can't believe people like that exist, I just can't.
You're seventeen, we're seventeen; how can we all be so egocentric, dumb, and immature?
I have wasted my breath on you, but it had to be done.
.
Oh no, me,
You do not dwell on this any longer.
We will finish that Lit guidebook by next week,
We will focus on Math for now.
Let it out, and let it go.
... Still, I can't believe I lost control; I'm usually good at keeping my voice in check even if my heart is thumping in the worst way possible.
Yeah, well, I had to try that out at least once, however overused. :p
I suppose I should mention that she has been trying to become friends again, but it's with the manner that ignores everything wrong from the past we share, and the look that makes it seem like you're doing something bad to her.
It's okay, it doesn't matter anymore
Friends come and go; I need to learn this.
Surprisingly, I can make friends-
I just have to have that actual desire enough.
.
I shouted at the douche of the class today; I told him to think for others, and to quit disturbing us with his constant door slamming.
I suppose the details will only bore you, but yes- he wasn't capable of saying anything logical except for repeated 'what's your problem's and 'shut-up's in Hokkien, one of the dialects here.
Then I'd responded to one of those shut-ups with 'You can't say anything back/argue, that's why you ask for others to shut up!' and yeah he couldn't say anything back.
I then rounded it all off with 'do you have a brain?!' to which I was greeted with silence,
And we stared at each other for a couple of seconds before he finally backed off.
Aka.
“你说不过别人，所以你才叫人家安静
你有脑吗你！”
Loosely translating it here kinda makes it lose the tone I used, though.
One thing I wanna say,
Is that if you ever catch me using Mandarin like this,
Chances are you have pissed the hell out of me.
Like all other humans, that subconscious switch to your mother language is the clearest marker to losing control,
And I've only just realized now
but somehow I'm not the type to cuss when angered.
Not aloud, anyway.
Is that a good or bad thing?
Ugh, and I haven't shouted at anyone for six years now..
Even when the bish-of-the-group did all that I didn't ever shout,
Which makes it kind of dumb for someone worthless like that to get a rise out of me..
But still. There has always been a limiter to the amount of douchness that he exihibits on a daily basis- door slamming once or twice a day has become the norm, playing unwanted, loud music using the class projector is selfish but it is possible to block it out using earphones and concentration, and loads of other things like commenting on girls' underwear aloud or asking dumb questions for attention and not knowledge.
Thing is, I've simply ignored his existence for the entire year, and we didn't ever go head to head like this.
Today, however, it was five or six door slams over the course of, what, two minutes?
After playing music from the beginning of the day, too.
Hello sweetie, do you think you're creating music or something with that tempo and rhythm there?
Are you working out with that new found exercise of yours?
Initially I'd lowered my voice as with all agitated moments,
And it was 'Can you stop that? People are in here, you come in here, you slam the door, you disturb us. Terrify us, even.'
But logic is not to be used against someone like that,
And that was why I questioned his ownership of a brain because
Clearly, it's empty in there.
Oh, dear, I told you the details anyway.
But he insulted my mom. 'Terrify? Terrify your moooothher.' in that stereotypical manner that was more than enough for me to snap. I had gone 'wow', smiled, and told him that he had 'class' and for him to 'continue'- all in Mandarin.
And of course he couldn't say anything back except for the two phrases as aforementioned.
I can't believe people like that exist, I just can't.
You're seventeen, we're seventeen; how can we all be so egocentric, dumb, and immature?
I have wasted my breath on you, but it had to be done.
.
Oh no, me,
You do not dwell on this any longer.
We will finish that Lit guidebook by next week,
We will focus on Math for now.
Let it out, and let it go.
... Still, I can't believe I lost control; I'm usually good at keeping my voice in check even if my heart is thumping in the worst way possible.
Wednesday, 2 November 2016
Forgotten dinner, again
13 hours of sleep,
That's what I did.
Believe it or not, it hadn't been my intention
But I just blacked out at 6pm after a rehearsal and 5 hours of editing at school,
and I really should do this more often.
Afterall, I was on the brink of death yesterday.
*yawns* mm, maybe dancing in the rain to Love is Blindness the day before wasn't that great an idea.
Well, showers work magic and I tried pomegranate and Korean rice cakes for the first time, so life is good anyways.
Still, I need sleep.
It has come to a point whereby I'm functioning without realising this, anymore.
And that has to end.
The worst of it is pretty much over,
The brunt of the damage has been done to me,
And I can afford less strained eyes and strengthless speech.
Two more drafts for the graded reflection to go,
Two more consultations,
One more tech run,
More practice and preparation.
*wobbles* Yep, I can do this.
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=dj4VoPO-2pE
That's what I did.
Believe it or not, it hadn't been my intention
But I just blacked out at 6pm after a rehearsal and 5 hours of editing at school,
and I really should do this more often.
Afterall, I was on the brink of death yesterday.
*yawns* mm, maybe dancing in the rain to Love is Blindness the day before wasn't that great an idea.
Well, showers work magic and I tried pomegranate and Korean rice cakes for the first time, so life is good anyways.
Still, I need sleep.
It has come to a point whereby I'm functioning without realising this, anymore.
And that has to end.
The worst of it is pretty much over,
The brunt of the damage has been done to me,
And I can afford less strained eyes and strengthless speech.
Two more drafts for the graded reflection to go,
Two more consultations,
One more tech run,
More practice and preparation.
*wobbles* Yep, I can do this.
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=dj4VoPO-2pE
Sunday, 30 October 2016
Twirl.
I don't usually do this but...
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=4GUMP6NNacc
^This is unbelievably sexy.
I close my eyes, tell myself, that my dreams will come true.
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=CaksNlNniis
Simply beaut.
Why, yes, I am simply spamming you with my latest loves, now.
What else, what else..
I know that there are quite a few other songs,
but I happen not to be able to recall them right now.
Anywayz
Have a great day, won't ya?;)
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=4GUMP6NNacc
^This is unbelievably sexy.
I close my eyes, tell myself, that my dreams will come true.
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=CaksNlNniis
Simply beaut.
Why, yes, I am simply spamming you with my latest loves, now.
What else, what else..
I know that there are quite a few other songs,
but I happen not to be able to recall them right now.
Anywayz
Have a great day, won't ya?;)
Saturday, 29 October 2016
Still gotta wake up and be someone.
Still gotta wake up and be someone.
"In a way, you are a truly balanced person. You have a good sense of self, but you have periods of worry and self doubt. You don't like to be alone a lot, but you don't like being constantly surrounded, either. You can be shy in some situations and bold in others. You can tell people how you feel, but you don't wear your heart on your sleeve. You aren't "TOO" anything: You aren't too shy, you aren't too aggressive, you aren't too extroverted, you aren't too introverted. However at any one time you can be any combination of these things.
You tend to adapt yourself to match the situations in which you find yourself. You may be quiet and sensitive with some people, or joking and loud with others. These are all facets of your personality. People tend to perceive you as they want to perceive you. They may even tend to idealize you a bit. Then, when you do something that doesn't fit their concept of who you are (like have an outburst of anger, or a fit of shyness, or make an insensitive joke)they can be shocked and surprised. Does anyone know the real you?
Your daemon would represent your multi-faceted and ever-changing personality, as well as people's tendency to idealize you. He or she would get angry when you did not, be calm and poised when you felt ruffled and anxious, and always be the voice of emotion and reason in your ear.
Suggested forms: Swan, Elephant, Koala, Panda, Chameleon, Wolf."
.
So that was one of those quizzes that somehow rings extremely true.
Oh, and that one song that is absolutely amazing in describing what it feels right now.
"Doesn't matter who you are or what you've done,
something in the world will make a fool of you."
something in the world will make a fool of you."
It was recommended by one of the new people I'm getting to know,
And we texted each other for two hours yesterday-
And we texted each other for two hours yesterday-
For the first time, I've done something like this that is teenager-ish,
And, well, it's actually not too bad.
Awesome humans, huh? ;)
And, well, it's actually not too bad.
Awesome humans, huh? ;)
.
I'm doing a lot of unnecessary things.
This isn't the way to do it;
It's just adding unnecessary shit on top of everything else, really.
Uhh...
Those who cause your anguish really shouldn't be treated with nicely,
With truth, or even respect.
I don't know why I do it; something's wrong with me.
So,
I suppose I just gotta act like nothing's wrong because that works so much better, and they aren't humans worth all that heart.
At least I was able to resolve all of this through my own effort.
At least that's something to be proud of... I guess.
.
Apparently I've functioned on such a jacked up sleep cycle for so long,
I can't feel the effects any longer.
If I will myself to 'focus', the urge to deconstruct my brain right there and then disappears, and if I tell myself to 'let go and rest', I can do exactly that and I'll basically sleep for as long as possible before I wake myself up again.
Ah. All of us are sleep deprived, aren't we?
Let's set aside more time for that rejuvenative business, shall we?
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